He will stand on this very cliff. Crying, silently. He will watch the solitary, self-absorbed sun get snatched away by the bleak, darkness of the night. He will have no place to go; no one to run to. He will hear the excruciating screams that‘ll terrorise him forever. He will continue to get nightmares of his existence. His mind will scream out in agony; not a physical pain, but a much deeper, more grievous injury. He will have nothing to tie him to this world, and the promise and hope he had seen in the bright world of his childhood, will go dark, like the night sky. The whole planet will turn against him, piece by piece; his life will fall apart, and become an endless maze. There will only be one way out of this horror - by feeling pain for a second, minute, or even an hour. Suicide.
He will think of the possible ways to stop the heinous damage.
He will reflect the possibility of cutting his wrists, then realise how impossible it will be without a sharp object. Suffocation he will think a possible solution but not the easiest, so that’ll be a no. He will think the easiest way by reliving himself will be by shooting himself, if only he’ll say, due to the fact he will not be carrying a firearm. His family have already intoxicated him with venom; he’d be tormented - not dead!
He will come to a decision. It will be lingering under his nose. It’ll be right in front of him; terribly obvious. A shiver will tingle down his back, as a chill will sprint the length of his spine. He will stand on this cliff edge and work up the courage to finish what he will plan. He will be kaput, a flawed creation, and he will find nothing worth stopping this decision. He will jump off this cliff. His life will flash before his bold brown eyes. His legs and arms will feebly flap in the mid air. Gravity will be in control, making his fall radically rapid. He will feel the wind thwack his body. He will hit the ground, and it will hurt intensely. He will lay there, sprawled on the icy ground, blood blanketing his cold corpse. That is how he will die, in pain.
This piece doesn't seem as if it has anything to do with the picture but it gave me some sort of inspiration so I guess you could say the piece is a run up to the picture.
ReplyDeleteI hope you understand what I'm trying to say but if you don't please just ask,
Thanks
Mecanical Angel :D
Hi Mechanical Angel,
ReplyDeleteThe strength of this piece derives from the use of the third person narration. It seems to create the necessary distance from the character at the centre of the piece. If this story were told in the first person, the result would be very different as, no doubt, it would explore the mind and emotions of the person imagining this future event. It is interesting, too, that you have placed the suicide in the future, rather than in the present, or the past. By doing this you distance us from the act further, as it is not immediate. Still, the very fact that the act is confirmed to happen in the ‘will’ creates the energy in the writing, as we are looking, as readers, to a future moment.
Another strength would be that through this distance you have avoided the potential for melodrama. It is interesting that the piece goes through the character’s thought, quite rationally, and that, the act itself, seems removed from the character’s control.
There are some great images in this: the ‘self absorbed sun,’ for example. It is impressive that everything within the piece speaks of his internal life, while: ‘The world will turn against him, piece by piece...’ is poetic, melancholy, illuminating.
To improve this I think the text might benefit with some variations in tone. It seems very consistent but at the same time, it would be strengthened with some narrative shifts. At the moment, the text is dense, and it becomes easy to lose the narrative thread. Stand alone lines - as you do at the end of the first paragraph - give the reader a pause, a breath, and encourage us to read on. Perhaps one more of these interludes may help, and some further editing.
Thanks for posting! There are many strengths in this.
Liz
Hi Mechanical angel,
ReplyDeleteThe use of third person future does propel the narrative towards its inevitable end. Inspired choice.
As for editing, I'd look at the end of the paragraphs. See how they'd read if you left off the final one or two sentences.
The middle section is about the rational and practical issues of suicide. It's an important section to have, but I'm not sure that fits with the voice of the first and third sections. Think maybe about a shift in point of view and tone., one more in line with
" ...if only he’ll say, due to the fact ...
A pause in the middle?
Only a few places where I question your word choice. "that'll", "kaput".
Many tremendous images, as we've come to expect from you. Your poetic abilities transfer well to prose.
"He will watch the solitary, self-absorbed sun get snatched away by the bleak, darkness of the night"
"A shiver will tingle down his back, as a chill will sprint the length of his spine"
"He will feel the wind thwack his body."
The beauty doesn't detract from the emotional power but graces it with dignity.
You've managed a difficult subject well here. I found it moving and often profound Please do revise when you have time. The piece has a real future.
Hi Mechanical Angel,
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late post... I’m an awful time keeper; I promise I’ll be better in the future.
A very intense, strong piece, often chilling and a little scary. I can definitely see where it links to the photo. I love the third person narration and the future tense. It almost allows the reader some sort of dramatic irony. The mystery of why he wants to kill himself is very absorbing, and I found myself reading on to find out if we are told.
Having said this, anything longer, I feel would be too much work. It is a very heavy piece and I feel maybe a change in tone, something a bit lighter, may add some depth to the piece. A teacher once told me of a play where the actors sang a funny song to make the audience laugh until they realised what they were laughing about was a serious issue. It made it hit home, and increased the effect.
The only part I had difficulty reading was the sentence about shooting himself, which seemed a little muddled. Try reading it out loud and seeing if you can make it a tighter sentence.
One last point, it might be my eyes, but I found it quite hard to read in this colour. Maybe, if you really feel the colour was important, a darker red?
Brilliant piece, look forward to reading more
Kat
Thank you for all your comments and I will make changes in future tasks, Kat you said something about shooting himself, and how the sentence was abit muddled, well I think you need to read the last paragraph with speed, because it does mention that he jumps off the cliff :D It will make sense if you read it again having this in mind, well atleast I hope it does!
ReplyDeleteMechanical Angel