I’ll keep this short. Not so you don’t spend ages reading but I don’t want to waste time on something you’ll never read. I’m never able to talk to you so why write it down?
I can’t be bothered writing now. You’re never going to read it. You never take an interest in me, unless there’s something to brag. You won’t want to brag about this. I’ll be seen as weak not sticking up for myself. How can I? There’s about ten of them and only one of me.
I want to tell you but I’m weak enough in your eyes.
Hi Shingstar,
ReplyDeleteYour piece carries a great force behind it and instantly engages the reader. I like the direct address: ‘I’m never able to talk to you so why write it down?’ The final line struck me as very powerful, too: ‘I want to tell you but I’m weak enough in your eyes...’ You provide us with glimpses of the other character: ‘You never take an interest in me, unless there’s something to brag...’ This is effective because
you reveal an aspect of the character’s personality in a short sentence.
A few small points that you might want to consider....
The line: ‘I can’t be bothered writing now...’ leapt out. I realise this is a depiction of the character’s internal world, but it seemed to contradict the piece a little. There are some ambiguities too where it is not entirely clear what is happening. If you want to maintain this as a stand alone piece then although it is good to allow your character to have a world outside the immediate, you may want to make parts of the writing a little clearer.
Well done! It’s a very engaging piece.
Liz
Hi Liz
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. I was a bit worried about the 'I can't be bothered writing now'...I didn't know whether it would work but I just wanted to see what would happen and I completely agree with you.
Thanks once again.
Shiningstar :D
Hey Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteAnother gripping piece here – good work. Just a quick note to say I agree with everything Liz has said – so I won’t bore you by saying it all again.
What’s strange about this piece, and what I absolutely adore, is how there is so much story through not only so few words, but also such vague words.
Some of the other pieces that I have read seem to be trying to tell a little through a lot of details, but you seem to be doing the exact opposite. We have no idea what the situation between the daughter is, but it is the strife, the relationship, and not the cause, that seems to be important - you’ve hit the task’s theme requirements straight on the nail!
Other than the one that Liz pointed out, there is one line that I am slightly wary of, which is: ‘There’s about ten of them and only one of me.’ It does help build up your characters resentful voice, but I wonder if it is too specific for such a short piece? We are left wondering who the other people are and so the story feels slightly unfinished. I think a little rephrasing (‘I feel lost amongst the voices of all the others’?) might make it read slightly better.
Overall, though, an extremely strong piece for a very hard task. Well done!
~ Avani
Hi Shiningstar - I've come on board as your new moderator. Apologies for the lateness of this comment. Hopefully it'll help.
ReplyDeleteThe piece begins excellently - the first line is really engaging and plunges us straight into the character's world. I really like the directness and raw emotional power of the first paragraph.
However this bluntness does begin to grate a little by the end of the piece. As Avani points out, lines like "there's ten of them and only one of me" don't really add anything to the piece. Instead I think you would be much better off (and make it a more pleasant read) by starting to give little details about character, place etc as the piece goes on. As Liz pointed out, you need to take your character outside the immediate.
This is a promising piece though and could definitely be developed further.