Gone Forever
Now I am alone, filled with so much pain. He has gone. Everything happened so quickly, that I still wonder why he left me that day. He created a big gap in my life, and from that day on, my life was never the same. I still remember his laughter, his smile, his soft voice, but they have all gone, drifted away. I trusted him, and I gave him my heart, and in return he gave me betrayal. I wish I could go back to that day and amend it…I wish I could.
Life is unfair. And it always will be.
Hi Star,
ReplyDeleteI'm having some trouble connecting with your work this week, I'm afraid. You've got the basics of a break-up down, "pain", "big gap in life", "never the same", but you don't really scratch beneath the surface. Something like making breakfast, then having to put the extra fork back in the drawer, could be much more powerful, and a bit less cliched.
I'm glad that you've chosen a first person narrative, as this allows the character to indulge her emotions, for example "Life is unfair. And it always will be" can only really work in the narrative style that you've chosen.
I think that with a little more indepth detail, your work could be stronger. When you list what the narrator misses, you use two senses (sight and sound) which is a good start, but you could expand into touch, smell, or even taste. I like this section, especially as the narrator notices that her memories of her ex-boyfriend are fading, even as the pain from the break-up doesn't.
I feel like this piece of work has potential, you just need to work a little deeper into it.
Good luck!
Hiya.
ReplyDeleteWell done for getting this spot on 101 words; I thought it was less actually when I first read it, because it is so concise, and it doesn’t feel stinted.
It’s great that you’ve focused on the emotions involved, rather than an explanation of why this relationship has ended. However, in writing it’s always best to ‘show, not tell’. You’ve probably heard that a million times by now, but it’s true nonetheless. Writing is always more effective if the pain is implied, rather than stated. So rather than “filled with so much pain” perhaps you could use an image to describe the pain, or an action that shows the pain the narrator is in.
You’ve focused on some key emotions that plague you when a relationship ends, the questioning why, the sense of disbelief, the grief, the feeling that everything has changed, and the wish to go back in time. This is a lot to cover in just 101 words, so I think you’ve gone through these different stages really well.
This does feel a little clichéd though; while it’s good to show the common emotions in this situation, it’s always best to try and show these in new ways. Things like remembering “his laughter, his smile, his soft voice,” have kind of been done to death now. It would be better to concentrate on more original things that you could remember about him, something like the way one of his eyebrows was slightly higher than the other one, or the way he had of moving his hair out of his eyes—something really personal, and that shows the closeness of the relationship.
Well done, though, for this emotional piece; you’ve followed the rules of the task spot-on, and have created something moving from it.
Hello again,
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I don't feel as I can add anything helpful to the postings of my two predecessors, as I totally agree with them.
Certainly you have achieved a very pleasing consistency with your character and with the emotions she is conveying, in the sense that I can very much believe in her from start to finish and empathise with her dilemma.
However, while this is certainly a very strong skill to have in one's arsenal, I really did want to see more. You have very effectively laid the foundations for a very strong piece in the sense that you clearly have created a character you strongly believe in, therefore the next step is to flesh out that character by really finding what makes her unique; every relationship has its own unique drama and no break-up is ever the same; two people manacle themselves together because of a certain unique chemistry that neither have found elsewhere, and when this is torn apart it is likewise for reasons totally unique to the two concerned. Indeed this is what gives the subject matter its longevity; therefore I really want to see the unique drama between your two characters. This is not easy in 101 words but, as Frances has pointed out, it can only take a few small anecdotal words to suggest volumes...well Katie said it as well. And now I'm saying it as well. Though done of course in three extremely different ways. You can choose which of three seems most inspirational to you.
Anyways, enough of this unhelpful rehashing of two infinitely more incisive postings, but well done and I look forward to your next offering with all due anticipation,
Eoghan
Hi Moderators
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the advice and praise that you had on my work. I will take the advice on board next time.
Thank you
Star