I lie on my cold bed. Alone. Waiting. Hoping.
For what? To see him again? Somewhere deep down inside me, i know that it'll never happen. I'll never see his sparkling emerald eyes. I'll never hear his booming laugh when I make one of my lame jokes. I'll never smell his strong cologne. I'll never feel his warm presence in my bed. I never thought how life would be without him. How empty and cold i'd feel. How my heart will never heal and open up to someone else. And all for what? Someone who was stupid enough to drink and drive.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYour piece follows a traditional tragic love story arc: the strong, enigmatic opening; the melancholic expansion; the twist at the end. There’s some really nice stuff here; the hollowness of the bereaved voice is communicated to the reader with the fragmentary “Alone. Waiting. Hoping”.
What’s unclear is the motivation of the speaker. It’s a sad truth that, as the saying goes, “Virtue writes white”; that is, anything too perfect lacks interest for the reader. So my suggestion is that, in the last sentence, there should be more bitterness. At the moment, it seems that the loved man was killed in an accident by someone else; but what if it was his own foolishness that had led to his death? Then the element of anger at the other character himself could come in – the speaker is devastated, but also furious with the other character for being so unthinking. It’s just a suggestion, but do you see how this could lend extra weight to the piece?
The other way in which the character could be made believable would be to just double-check the descriptions you’ve used, and question whether they really tell the reader anything new or insightful about the character. Instead of telling us of his “booming laugh”, why not give us a specific instance – “the way he’d laugh when I did my impression of Mrs Higginbottom from the shop”, for (rather pathetic) example. It just gives the reader a little something to believe in.
This is a piece which affects the reader with its sombre tone. Well done.
This is one of your stronger efforts, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThe ending line *makes* the story. Without it, there is no change. I was becoming worried that the whole piece would just be a lamenting lover: that would not have made a story. But by adding in that last line, you've created a story around it. As I said on eternity.forever's post, with stories as short as these, it is important to hint at the bigger picture, because it is impossible to fit the whole story into a hundred words or so.
As Penny mentioned, though, it might make the rest of the piece stronger if another emotion was reflected, depending on who the drunk driver was. If it was the man, then perhaps the narrator also feels anger at his stupidity. If it was the narrator, then perhaps they would feel angry at themselves. And if it was a third party... Well, you get the picture. In this way, an extra element of depth could be added to the piece.
Some parts of this sound a little clichéd. 'Cold bed, alone... etc' could be written a little differently. Perhaps you could say 'The sheets are cold without your body heat' - this way it is showing the reader that the protagonist is alone, rather than using clichéd phrases to tell them. Obviously, it's a bit tricky to do this kind of thing with so few words, but it is do-able.
'Sparkling emerald eyes' is also a bit of an over-used description, but I really liked 'booming laugh when I make one of my lame jokes'. That line gives us an insight into the original characteristics of the people in the story. Good stuff.
Please proof read your stories before you post, though. Look out for those lower-cased 'I's.
Overall, a great effort. Well done.
Furthermore I feel your structure to be very effective, and this is where I must echo Sophie (mainly because she was kind enough to echo my comments on your last task...for the last time I'm sure, in the sense that I am invariably the last person to comment) when she states that the final sentence is what makes your story. But I would go further than this and suggest that the structure for the rest of the piece is similarly solid. You begin with very vague and ambiguous details, and a tone of writing that verges, but never descends into, cliché, and it is after this point that you introduce the more personal details that bring the character to life, and as the piece continues and builds up to something of a crescendo as your narrator becomes more and more open, we as readers feel we understand and can predict the kind of story you're telling (that is one on a very emotional, intangible plain) and then you completely shatter this intangible, psychologic world you have created by presenting one simple, stark PHYSICAL detail; the manner of death. Indeed the last line is so different in style and content to the rest of the piece that it almost seems as if it is the first line of the next paragraph, rather than the last line of the only one. Consequently we feel we need to reassess the story you are telling, but you don't allow us to do this because you stop the narrative at this crucial point. Firstly this is very effective from a stylistic point of view, in the sense that it is wonderfully abrupt and dynamic; and secondly this is a very clever way of fulfilling the 'bigger picture' side of your narrative criteria. Indeed this is why I'm not really sure I would urge you to reveal the circumstances of the man's death, as we as readers really are forced to do alot of work for ourselves here, and we respond voluntarily to this as you have already very effectively built up an emotional reaction to the narrator.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, I thought it was another very strong effort,
Well done,
Eoghan
Hello again,
ReplyDeleteFirst off; fantastic title. If I was Jeffrey Archer I would probably steal it from you.
And second off; the story itself:
Well like my predecessors I thought it was a very strong effort. I felt you've challenged yourself more than in your last task, because the last task was actually rather similar; a very small script with very very little room for story-weaving, thus forcing you to hint at the bigger picture rather than fully delving into it. However your last task necessitated you use two characters, and this meant that hinting at the bigger picture was, in a sense, not too difficult as your two characters could be used for exposition, leading to your main challenge being to disguise this exposition as casual, realistic dialogue.
In this piece you have but one character, and are therefore attempting to succeed with one of the most difficult narrative forms because it is most susceptible to cliché. More than this, you are attempting to succeed with what Penny very succinctly terms the traditional tragic love story arc, within which it is exceptionally difficult to avoid cliché.
By and large, however, you succeed very admirably, in a variety of areas. Firstly you never drop out of character, in the sense that you commendably consistent, and in the sense that, just as in your beautifully written last task, there is no sign of an obtrusive author; I don't feel as if I am reading YOU or your life or agendas or mode of speaking, but from start-to-finish I feel as if I am reading a fictional character you have created.
Not only are you consistent in your character, but also in the mood of the piece generally. I have read pieces such as this by less skilled writers and although every sentence is centred around the same idea of a loved one dying, some sentences are very subtle and underplayed, whereas others are massively melodramatic and OTT, giving the piece a rather unfortunate feel as if 60 different narrators are all writing about their loss of this same person, in their own inimitable manner, and thus ridding the piece of any vestige of credibility. Your piece, however, very successfully avoids this. Your choice of language throughout very effectively and very subtle portrays a realistic character and her own manner of dealing emotionally with bereavement.
Hello everyone,
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to say thank you for your useful comments and i'll try and keep them in mind next time we are given a task like this.
crazylike_woah :)