Beams of red light party across my eyelids, disrupting my dream, but they flee as the busy afternoon pries its way into my eyes.
I take a deep breath. I smell the remainder of his presence lingering in the air: toast, latté, and aftershave. The house is hushed except for settling noises; the whine of the fridge, the clock ticking, and the water dripping of the tap.
I roll to his side of the bed, wrapping the covers around me like a caterpillar obscured within its contented cocoon. His pillow smells of him and daz. I bury my face in it.
Hi Mechanical Angel,
ReplyDeleteI loved your piece. It seems to cover most of Mr Savage’s points, and I think provides a strong narrative, with an underlying hint of loss.
I would suggest trying to add metaphors, although I think this may detract from the beauty of this piece. The language is simple, much like the act of waking up. The piece seems still, but not static in time, more relaxed. If you wanted to add a bit of tension you may want to change some of the commas into full stops; “I smell the remainder of his presence lingering in the air. Toast. Latté. Aftershave.”
The first line seems a bit forced, although is a nice image. I like the idea of the lights partying across your eyelids, although it seems a bit busy and full of movement for what seems to be an essentially calm piece. I love the image of the caterpillar in the contented cocoon, and although the idea of being cocooned in happiness may be slightly clichéd I feel it work very well here, and immediately understood your imagery. The addition of the word contented added something more, and I really enjoyed it.
Well done
Kat
Hi Mechanical Angel,
ReplyDeleteThis is a vivid piece of work. Your sentences have a simplicity to them that is effective and illuminates the detail within the writing. The line: ‘Beams of red light party across my eyelids....’ is fantastic. The details of everyday life are carefully chosen and ground the piece. The
discipline that writing within a strict word limit demands has really been successful.
To improve this further...
You might want to think about the perspective of the piece in places.
Though the first sentence contains wonderful imagery, it is difficult to imagine how the character would know they had the beams of light on their eyelids. I’m sure you could keep that image, but perhaps it could be reworked? It may be an idea to go back through some of these sentences to make sure they are as sharp as they
can be.
Well done.
Liz
Thank you for your comments, but the light on the eyelids, is when your about to wake up and before you open your eyes you see red. I don't know if that made sense but thank you anyway!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was absolutely brilliant- I'm on a creative writing course at the moment, and a lot people wouldn't have come up with something this succinct and emotive.
ReplyDeleteI love the use of sounds and smells, really evocative with sensory stuff. To fix the problem of the red behind the eyes, you might want to go for 'blurs' instead of 'beams'.
Sorry can't give more criticism because I thought it was perfect!