One bundle of life, suspended in space,
Each life going by, it's own personal case.
Wonders so amazing, from high in the sky,
It's tranquilized beauty, hypnotising the eye.
Each breath-taking sight,
Can be seen in the night.
So wherever you are,
Remember by far.
This beauty,
Our duty.
Yet again, I am open to improvements about my work. I have seemingly edited it, since I decided to add some loast minute changes.
ReplyDeleteI have already read the past few posts, and I have to admit; They are all exceptional. Lets hope I can keep the good work going!
=D
this has got to be the most exceptional by far! lol
ReplyDeletewow!! great work b, keep it up:)
ReplyDeleteAwww. Thanks you two. ;D
ReplyDeleteBut I think the both of you wrote much better ones.
^^
The MEANING of your poem, and how you 'poetise' it (if there is such a word) is splendid. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as with the other members, you are struggling with the iambs. To help you (and the rest of them), I shall write out your first few lines with each stressed syllable in CAPITALS. Remember, an iambic verse should start with an unstressed, followed by a stressed and so on...
one BUNdle of LIFE, susPENded in SPACE
each LIFE going BY its own PERsonal CASE
This is very rhythmic and fluent, but it is not iambic. In fact (if you're interested)...
Line 1 = iamb, anapest, iamb, anapest
Line 2 = iamb, anapest, anapest, anapest.
Both your first two lines are, therefore, FOUR feet (or tetrameters).
Does that make any sense?
If you look closely at my exemplar about Canary Wharf, you will see that I broke from iambic meter on ONE occasion (and did so for a reason). Can you find where? Anybody?
I understand sir. The problem I was having was understanding where the actual iamb was. D=
ReplyDeleteThankyou for the comments sir, I will definately take that on board.
I'll take a look at Canary Wharf. ;D