The cascades of sweat seemed unanimously destined for doom. With every facial shudder the thoughts of rescue anxiously fled. The teardrops sped mournfully towards what most called ‘the trickle’. Every single one was destined for the trickle, the fall, the everlasting dive towards obliteration.
Everything was quite tense in the abortion clinic. Everyone seemed calm compared to her. She whispered harshly to herself, cursing and occasionally taking huge bites out of the skin by her fingernails. Her thoughts almost came up like cartoons in her eyes, jagged and graphic, jet black ink welling up in her tear ducts. She spat carefully into a tissue, as her capillaries bulged round her nose they slightly resembled the winding purple lines on the pages of the Rutland A-Z. The only thing that mysteriously contradicted her tense aesthetic was her hair, her hair hung loose. The hair was the thing, the thing that sparked interest, her hair shimmered innocently, and it graced her shoulders bouncing elegantly framing her eyes and cheeks perfectly. This juxtaposition provoked anger in her abortion room comrades; their jealousy orbited her, why? The mob couldn’t understand why she had time to get pregnant and do her hair. She couldn’t be desperate and beautiful, the room seemed to heat up with silent conflict, and this adopted truth cornered her and was about to seep into her flesh before her name was called for her consultation.
Hello HexMusicMan,
ReplyDeleteI admire the surreal qualities of this piece immensely. The concentration on detail creates a powerful sense of claustrophobia, slowing the pace of the writing so the feelings of the central character become illuminated. Often the imagery felt highly original. I love the way thoughts come up 'like cartoons in her eyes, jagged and graphic...' and the description of the capillaries resembling the '...winding purple lines of the Rutland A-Z.'It is interesting the emphasis placed on her hair towards the end of the piece, marking her out from the faceless 'abortion room comrades.'I thought the repetition used in relation to her hair gave a great rhythm to the piece.
A few small things that might be considered...
Perhaps the first paragraph should be italicised, as it felt more like a prologue or chorus.
Perhaps some of the more emotive language might be reign in - 'doom,' 'mournfully,' and 'obliteration,' all sit very closely to each other in the same paragraph. Using just one of these words would be more effective. I also felt that words that imply uncertainty might be edited out to give the piece added force. In the first sentence of the second paragraph you use 'quite,' and then in the third sentence of the same paragraph you have her 'thoughts almost came up..' You could just say, 'Her thoughts came up...' as this would create a greater sense of precision.
I thought the ending of the piece worked really well - we endure the waiting room with her and then the moment ends with the character being called for the consultation.
The piece has many great qualities, so keep going at it and tweaking.
Good luck, and well done!
Liz