The meeting proceded despite his late arrival with the typical introductions and cheap refreshments (no alcohol).Joe, the leader was aware dealing with recovering alchoholics was lacking any sort of thrill or excitement that the majority of them were accustom to, so he tried a new tactic: retrospection.
Joe: "close you eyes, dont block nothing out. ask yourself why are you here?why?"
* * * *
A teenage boy is walking alone in the streets with a large rucksack, lonely, scared and frightend he squats on a doorway,the cold stone step a chilling reminder he is still alive. He removes his jumper; carefully placing it underneath his head as he settles down for another restless night, his only comfort the bottle of whisky that lies in his pocket.
* * * *
Ben's head rose sharply, like he was viciously awoken from a nightmare to see everyone else was in deep coversation with thier neighbour,except him. Realising this was one reason he didnt want to share he slowly crept out of the building, into the rain lookin for another doorstep to call home.
Hi Sparky
ReplyDeleteThis has the makings of a really strong piece of writing.
I think that throughout it you should stick with revealing what is happening through your narrator's own senses - he informs us of what is going on through what he hears, sees, smells.
Don't tell us he is in a room full of addicts! Stay with what he senses to impart this information.
In your second para, just have Ben hearing what Joe says to him, then he closes his eyes and is taken into this world of memory.
And his regresssion into this world can be your strongest paragraph. You begin to do this, but abandon it pretty quickly, and this para deserves more work on it. Ben is lonely and scared. What is going on around him that makes him lonely and scared? Is it day or night where he is? Is he in a city? What is the street like? Are there many people about? What is he afraid of?
And when he settles down for the night, you have a great opportunity to take the reader into his head and re-live with him some of the reasons why he has ended up sleeping in a doorway.
So his return to the reality of the room and the reality of his situation will be felt that much stronger when it happens.
There was one thing in the last para that made me think. 'Realising this was one reason he didn't want to share...'
What is this realisation? What is the reason for him not wanting to share? Is this an opening to his past that has been unexpectedly revealed? If so, it is worth exploring further!
This is a piece with much promise and really deserves more work on it.
Hope this helps
Best wishes
ann g
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI see that you've already been given a lot to go at. The structure of this piece is brilliant, and I really liked some of the details you include , like 'no alcohol' - it's so releaving without feeling overexplained.
That stuff works so well that I think it would make your story even better to pursue more hints, more little images, than to try to give us the situation.
The present tense you use is fantastic for the piece. Those first two lines are filled with sensory input, but also hint at the situation well enough to begin building an image. Lines such as 'the meeting proceeded' are good - they make sense - they build pace, but I would question whether you need them in such a short piece.
I know it might sound wierd to say that having a short space to work with means shortening things even more, but you don't need to prepare the reader or guide them along when their attention is being held more such brief amount of time.
This is a really good piece. My suggestion is just that you give yourself less work in some places, stripping the description down to just what you need to hit the reader with (sorry to get so violent with my figurative language).
I wish you luck if you're facing exams at all around now. If there's any that involve writing you deserve to be confident. Take care,
Andy