She's still. Cocooned in a porcelain paradise. Peaceful; at least she seems. Wires invade her angelic body, tubes tear through her throat. Life support machines are the only thing you hear; robots pumping her blood, pumps inflating her lungs. The room so sterile and white yet she feels infected and suppressed by fear.
She's hurt. Morphine cannot erase her pain. They're footsteps outside her room, nurses, doctors, family and friends. All going places but neglect her room. Still holding onto life but already forgotten.
She's stuck. Limbo never seemed so sad. In a trance of apocalyptic thoughts, she's screaming inside by no-one can hear her. She's stuck in a place far worse than hell. A place where feelings have no meaning, no love, no happiness, not even pain. She's reaching out for help,hope, happiness. Reaching recklessly for a helping hand. There's nothing.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteGlad you posted, especially with writing this strong. The first paragraph is brilliant - the alliteration captures the pulse in the music; the contradiction in "porcelain paradise" foretells the violence of the images which follow; the use of fear as an "infection" pervades the entire piece.
You've used the anaphora "She's..."x3 in a way that's not overpowering, but, as with the alliteration, reinforces the pulse.
I don't think the writing in second and third parts matches the high standard you set in the first, perhaps because the emotions come more to the surface. The idea of holding on when forgotten is worth exploring through images as strong as the first paragraph's.
I think the best line in the third paragraph is "limbo never seemed so sad" because it is poetic yet understated.
You've got great talent for images, so let them do most of the work.
(Have you read Under the Eye of the Clock by Christopher Nolan? Worth checking out when you get a break.)
Hope this helps.
Wow! This is definitely your best work so far, and manages sophistication without being overwrought - which is one hell of a balancing act. It is FULL of nuggets of brilliance, and best of all is the way you are able to exploit the power of short sentences and fragments - not to mention the brilliant feel you have here for the SOUND of the piece (alliteration is a tool you use masterfully throughout). A couple of minor typos are a shame ("they're" instead of "there are"; "by" instead of "but") but do not detract. This is, quite simply, brilliant. Well done you!
ReplyDeleteI was struck at one point by your use of the SECOND person (i.e. "you") in the first paragraph, and I wondered how the whole piece would work if that were sustained throughout - perhaps even by transferring that "you" to the patient herself, swapping each "she" for a "you" accordingly. That might make a brilliant piece even more strikingly original. What do you reckon?
This is an excellent example of how fragmentary sentences can capture the mood of a piece - it really fits with the music, and especially the rhythm of breathing. Masterfully done! In fact, your prose rhythms are almost flawless - this reads like a prose poem, and you balance the longer phrases, with dependented clauses (hypotaxis) and shorter ones with independent phrases (parataxis) really well.
ReplyDeleteA small point - I wonder if you need "She's stuck in a place far worse than hell"? Given the description either side, I think a case of "showing" rather than "telling" the reader what to think here might be effective - we can work it out from what's gone before. This might make the ending a little more subtle - not that it lacks subtlety as it stands, but it might make the reader "work" a bit more.
Very well done.