A middle aged man sits in a flat with his Mistress.
He reads the paper while she sits in silence.
Man: (looking up from paper and around the room) You've really turned this place around you know.
Woman: (Fiddling with glass ornaments on the shelf) Yes, well, I do try...
Man: (reading paper) Yeah, looks really nice.
Woman: (Turning to face the man) Look, Nigel... I need to talk to you...
Man: (flicking pages of the paper) Honey, I'll tell Megan about us. Just, not now, you know...
Woman: I hate being in this flat on my own most days. I need company, Nigel... (she says looking down)
Man: It won't be like that soon. I told you, I'm going to tell Megan. Just...just, give me time.
Woman: How long will that b-
(Man interrupts violently)
Man: I said I'd fucking tell her! Just leave it at that ok?!
Woman freezes in shock
Man:... Honey... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to....(hugging her)
Woman: (tears roll down her face) Get off of me. You make empty promises, all the time. Nigel I'm sick of it.
Man kicks the table in anger
Man: You know its hard for me!
Woman: We've been sneaking around for 6 years now, I want a solid relationship with no secrets. Man: I know... (he says angrily, clenching his fists)
Woman: You always say that you're such a man yet you're not brave enough to tell Megan?
Man: YOU DON;T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO TELL HER! MEGAN IS YOUR SISTER! IT WOULD BREAK HER HEART! (shouting)
Woman: Oh, so now all of sudden you care about breaking her heart? You never seem to care about her in bed, with me.
Man breathes heavily with frustration
Woman: You know, I might just pop there tomorrow and tell her myself
Man: NO! (he says lashing out and punches her torso)
Woman falls to the floor in agony and clenches her stomach
Complete silence...
Woman: You animal. I don't even know you any more...(shaking her head in tears)
Man: I'm...I'm..sorry(rushing towards her)
Woman:You. You stay the fuck away from me
They both look down to the floor and notice blood
Man:(staring in shock)...What is that...?
Woman: I'm pregnant, Nigel.
Nigel falls to the floor with guilt
*curtains close*
Hi there
ReplyDeleteYou've got a good premise here - the tension behind an affair and its concealment has a lot of potential: one of those long-term situations that has been simmering for a while and suddenly boils over. You show us that moment of 'boiling over' effectively. The element of the woman being megan's sister is a nice addition, a sense of added complication and the 'plot thickening' that you build on even more at the end with the discovery of her pregnancy.
You might want to think through the actions again - I find it hard to picture them in a natural sequence. For example, there is no mention of him putting down a newspaper or getting out of his chair, but then he's hugging her. When he shouts, I don't know if he's shouting from the chair, or in her face (which would be more effective). Likewise, he punches her, and then his next movement is to 'rush towards her' - has he moved away in the meanwhile, shocked at his own actions? These are questions that I find myself asking as I read.
Also, I would like a sense - given that this scene is built so much on their past - whether we suspect that this relationship has a history of violence, or if it's really coming out of the blue. I expect it's the former, but I'd maybe like some clue that it's happened before...
keep it up!
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Claire's comments - this is a strong premise, and very nicely carried out. What I would like to see are perhaps reasons why the couple started this affair in the first place - you don't need to go into specifics (this would be too much for the length of this piece, and would seem a bit clunky if Nigel started saying "Remember the time..."!) but perhaps a few more indications of their familiarity with each other - and perhaps vestiges of affection? - would go a long way at the beginning of the piece. You do it a bit with his calling her "Honey", but it would actually up the tension to have a bit more of this more domestic talk before the real crux of the piece is established.
It has a good arc to it - really well done.
Penny
Hi,
ReplyDeleteSorry for being late with comments. Your interpretation of the Hopper painting added complications which I struggled with (that's a good thing!). Overall, the tension (the man's posture) underneath the apparent mundane scene is well-observed. I was thrown by the woman as mistress, although the red dress makes it a valid insight. Thanks for letting me see it in a new way.
I agree with the two other commentators that you've created a powerful dynamic and, if it were a longer piece, more details would emerge. However, in such a short piece, I think you need to pare back some of the complications - particularly the sister angle. This would help avoid the only flaws in the dialogue. The places where the characters say things that would be obvious after a six year affair in order to explain the plot. (e.g. "Megan is your sister" and the final lines).
As I read it, the reason this situation is boiling over is the pregnancy. There are a few subtle hints ("I need company. I'm sick of it.). If you concentrate on this angle you could, without spoiling the shock end, play with similarly subtle lines.
Psychologically this is an excellent study of frustration. The man tries to make things up and when he doesn't get what he wants he lashes out. The woman's frustration causes her verbal barbs. I think his final violent explosion should be triggered by this pattern, perhaps even after the line "You never seem to care about her in bed, with me" or something even stronger. The threat has probably been made before(?)
Finally, the blood from the blow makes it obvious that she was preganant. Think about revising the final two lines as if the man knows immediately the horrid thing he's done and why this situation has come to its tragic climax.
Hope this helps.
I agree that this has bags of potential, and you manage to capture the nuances of natural conversation with considerable skill. The only thing that jars with me is the violence/anger - not that I think it shouldn't be there, just that it is hard to contextualise in a short piece like this, especially occurring more than once. However, the other moderators' suggestions should help you resolve this, and you're more than capable of the challenge.
ReplyDeleteWell done on another original and excellent piece of work!