The deed is done. I never knew it would be this easy. All I had to do was take off my clothes and there he was, at my feet. Did he really think I was that stupid?
Two years on and he thought that I would forget. Two years ago he made me a widow. He let onto the authority that I was an unfit mother, he took away my baby;the only thing I could remember my husband by and he took it away, I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. He ruined my life.
It was my birthday. The day started off wonderfully. Sun shining on my skin, my husband, Harvey next to me; he made me breakfast in bed. I remember his touch when he was holding me against his body, his strong body, lovely skin and his fragrance. He held me up close to him and fed me; I felt as if I was in heaven. It took an hour for me to finish my breakfast; I didn’t want it to end. After that I don’t know what happened, I was mesmerised, enchanted. All I can say is that we became one, there and then. This was our new start; we were going to make a family. I didn’t want this moment to end.
I was fine the way we were but he wanted everything to be perfect. He bought me a present but because he knew I would find it somewhere in the house he left it at his friends and so he went to get it. I begged him to stay, I didn’t want a present I was already content. He wasn’t, he wanted to make this day even more special and so he went to get my present, and he never came back.
I wonder how long it will take for the neighbours to realise. He stank when he was alive so I don’t know about know. He stank of jealousy. Of hatred. You could see it in his eyes. I thought I was just seeing things, more fool me but it was true. He didn’t like our relationship. He wanted it to end.
I wonder what he felt. Having me all to himself. For the first and the last . That was the last time he would feel anyone so close to him. He will never love or be loved again.
I hope he doesn’t ever rest in peace, I hope he rots away in hell and pays for his sins.
Hello Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteThis is engaging but I have to say left me quite confused. Is there a third mysterious character who has ruined your narrator's life that you don't name? All the 'he's' and 'his'' make it very difficult to keep track of what is going on from paragraph to paragraph.
For example you say: 'he stank when he was alive...' - I don't know to whom this refers, the husband has only just been described as 'lovely' and fragrant, unless this is deadpan irony, in which case you need to make it very clear.
You need to take this as a starting point and add detail to the characters and plot, how has the un-named character ruined the woman's life, why did he want to ruin her relationship, what heppened to the child?
In the third paragraph there is some really strong, convincing writing and you articulate the main character's thoughts well, but elsewhere there is some lazy use of expression, 'ruined my life', 'rot in hell', 'he will never love or be loved again', those kind of phrases.
I think you have the basis for a quite twisted tale but need further dissection and clarification of the relationships and people involved.
The music you chose suggests something big about to happen and an escalation of some kind and there is certainly the opportunity for that here, just remember to remain original, clear in expression and intent, and keep an eye on grammar.
S.
I, too, am in two minds here. On the one hand, some of this is among the best writing you have produced. I particularly liked "He stank of jealousy. Of hatred. You could see it in his eyes." Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteHowever, like Simon, I am confused too. The man she seduces and kills: is he her husband, returned and showing his true colours? Or another man entirely? This sort of ambiguity weakens the narrative. Also, I am not convinced the music necessarily suggests a narrative so relatively static - but maybe that's just me...
I agree - the scenario is nearly there in suggesting the triumphant track you chose, but just misses the mark, somehow; it's difficult to say exactly how (which isn't very helpful, I know!). It seems that the narrator has found some reason to turn against this "perfect" husband (if it's the same man - I'm confused, too!) and has killed him in a fit of rage - but the reader needs to know WHY. (Then the song would make more sense, perhaps.) It's too tantalising not to tell us - we really want to know, and it would immediately resolve any difficulties between the first, "happy" section, and the vitriolic ending. That's if I've got it right, and the man is the same one! If this isn't the case, that needs to be clear, too.
ReplyDeleteThe other possibility I see is that the husband has been murdered by a man who wants the wife, who she then kills - if this is right, it's a very strong and interesting idea - but we need to know which it is! As I say, though, this just needs a little clarification, and the story will benefit. Well done on some atmospheric writing.