Clarence: Penelope?
Penelope: hmmm?
Clarence: I’ve been meaning to ask you this for some time now…
Penelope: (gulps deeply and refuses to look him in the eye) wh-what?
Faces her and Gets down on one knee pulling out a small velvet box from his pocket
Clarence: Will you do me the honour of making me the happiest man alive by becoming my wife?
Penelope’s eyes widen in shock as she physically recoils
Penelope: clearance, please don’t do this
Clarence: why not? I’ve never felt this way about anybody before; you make me so happy-
Penelope: it wasn’t suppose to happen like this, I -
Clarence: Is it that you need more time? Because I can wait
Penelope: No it’s just... You were the only one I had left and-
Clarence: I know, the fact that we both lost all of our family members proves that we’re supposed to be together… don’t you love me?
Penelope: I-I do, but there’s something you should know abo-
Clarence: then what’s the problem? Do you want me to-
Penelope: Listen! I can’t marry you because I’m your cousin! (Begins to sob)
(Pause)
Clarence: n-no, this can’t be happening, we-
Penelope: the day we met I knew that I had finally found you, I just wanted to get to know you a little better; I had no one to turn to
Clarence: but we… and we…
Penelope: Clarence I’m so sorry
Clarence walks to the window and sits precariously on the ledge
Penelope: (walks slowly towards him) I didn’t mean for this to happen
Penelope tries to take his hand
Clarence: don’t touch me! (Clarence violently snatches his hand back and in doing so he falls to his death)
Highly charged and compelling stuff - I especially like the wonderfully complex "but we... and we..." line, which I think is sheer genius.
ReplyDeleteHowever, in the end, the piece descends into soap opera melodrama, shedding the subtlety of the line above, and becoming rather over the top (like Yaz, ShiningStar etc.)
So, a great script in so many respects - you just need to steer clear of melodrama... :)
Hi Scarlet
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed the gradual build up of tension in this scene. I think you could do with more of a build up to Clarence's proposal. He could be more nervous and Penelope's dread of what he is going to ask her could build also. This would start to raise the tension from the outset.
Don't have Penelope physically recoiling from Clarence. He doesn't repulse her, surely? She could be shocked or upset, knowing that she has to reject him for a good reason. So you will be further building up the emotion as the encounter progresses.
How does Penelope make Clarence happy? Some backstory is needed here in the conversation to give this more depth. This also gradually reveals their stories to the audience.
Clarence needs to say more about his and Penelope's coming toether in tragedy and what this means for/has meant for him. This could provide backstory too.
This will strengthen this section when we realise what her rejection is going to do to him - and this section before he is told the truth really needs to be that much stronger, so we feel the pain he goes through a sentence or so later.
I wonder why Penelope didn't tell Clarence earlier that they were related? He could ask her this and she could have valid reasons why she didn't tell him. Again, this 'storytelling' gives depth to the whole piece.
I agree with englishguru about how you structure his realisation in language. With other revelations from the pair of them, his realisation will have much stronger meaning for the audience.
And you could keep your ending with Clarence just snatching his hand away. This is a very dramatic gesture in what has been up to now a quiet domestic tragedy. The falling to his death is completely un-necessary and melodramatic. You do not need it.
Hope this helps!
Best wishes
ann g