The abyss that awaits her is laden with pain,
And the infinite doubt of just what could have been.
she disowned all her treasures and pride, sobbing peers
Rendered useless for what they had forcefully seen.
The narcotics were key to relieve her provoked
Soul. Still, people refused to accept. They persist,
They intrude on his weakened defences, she falls
To her knees, letting all see what they had dismissed.
The narcotics, relied on extensively, hide.
Even Satan dares not to invade. Past the point of
All return. She, the anarchist, screams. The pain
Overpowers her. She needed someone to love.
Now all is said and done, the pain starts to set in.
The acidic rain falls from their faces, it stirs
Up a dish best served cold. She is now smiling down.
It was only right now, she could figure who cares.
Hey Mods,
ReplyDeleteCan't really say anything other than sorry for my lateness. My home computer is broke(please note the use of 'is' and not was). Because of this I was left stumped. It was only today that i realised my laptop was capable of posting so I quickly punched something out. Sorry if it's sub standard,
Sincere apologies,
Won't happen again,
Carlsberger.
Hey Carlseberger,
ReplyDeleteGood to see you "back." Just came across this, have transcribed it and will comment tomorrow (Fri.)after digestion.
pax
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteJust to get it out the way. The metre goes a bit screwy in lines 9-10. I couldn't think of a thematic justification for it, but maybe one was intended. Otherwise technically faultless.
I think you strike a good balance here between clarity and inventiveness. The narrative and overall theme are pretty clear, but there is enough space for interpretation and contemplation.
The tense shifts are initially confusing, but they do work. The future, "abyss that awaits", a very real present entity -"is laden with pain." The "infinite", which annihilates time,
is felt on earth as "the doubt of just what could have been." The unchangeable past,
ever-regretted. A frightening and universal truth.
Then the persona's pain is recalled within this past "she disdained all her treasures and pride...."
The shift to the present tense "she falls/ To her knees" (excellent enjambment) up to "Even Satan dares not to invade..." makes me think we are witnessing the persona's transition out of purgatory and into...? a heaven? or at least the ease of "She is smiling down."
That's how I saw the general structure. In the middle section I get a feeling of "They", the "people", at a funeral or some sort of service witnessing her fall. Ambiguity creeps in here which seems persistant, at least in this poem. It's mainly down to the pronouns.
"...They persist/They intrude on his weakened defenses"
Does "They persist" mean the people in the previous sentence, or the narcotics just before? And "his" really threw me. A sudden injection of a specific yet vaguely defined male charcter. If "They" are narcotics then the description of her fall could be a vision/hallucination? If "They" are people it could be their needling which provokes a (his?) visual memory, the infinite regret. (I realise I just used two drug puns - the poem's getting into my head!)
A similar ambiguity comes in
The acidic rain falls from their faces, it stirs/Up a dish best served cold.
Is "it" the "acidic rain" (nice, twist on old phrase) or the "pain"? Or both, linked by the excellent internal rhyme?
I imagine's "it's" the "rain." If so, the otherwise excellent subversion of the old saying about revenge could use a more precise word than "stirs." Perhaps, an action which tears could actually perform.
Okay. Thanks for the mental workout. Hope it's been helpful.
pax
Cheers for this - as ever, an interesting and very stimulating read! Advance apologies that my comments aren't as comprehensive as usual. I'm at dissertation stations at the moment, if that's any excuse.
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo. As Pugnax said, you've (again, as ever) got an extremely adept grasp of poetic form. It's remarkable how quickly you've got this meter. What else is there to say?!
Onto the content. I also like 'the infinite doubt of just what could have been' - a succinct stating (although not in any way an overstatement) of a sentiment many of your readers could doubtless relate to.
I don't understand the unexplained gender switch on line seven ('his' to 'she'). Is there a reason for this, or is the masculine form just a leftover from earlier ideas/drafts?
'She, the anarchist' seems a little unprecedented (sudden injection of politics) on line eleven, but then anarchism is wholly involved with the conflict between the individual and society. Of course, this is a driving conflict in the poem - although I'm still not sure whether the sudden 'anarchist' reference is a helpful explication of it. Also, line twelve's 'needed someone to love' struck me as a little conventional - and, again, a bit out of the blue.
In a couple of the other submissions I've been commenting on people's use of cliche, and suggesting that if cliche IS used, it should be twisted or re-contextualised. You do exactly this with 'a dish best served cold' - good work! Although pax makes a good point about that 'stirs' could be replaced with a verb that matches the capabilities of 'tears'.
I like the life-death/purgatory-hell-heaven conflict at the centre of this poem, which really injected a sense of form and a drove the work forwards. You've injected an old (the oldest?) conflict with a nice dose of pain, revenge, and narcotics, which can only be applauded. Over the course of these tasks I've found your developing and sustained use of religious (and often Christian) imagery extremely interested. I'm looking forwards to what you're going to cook up in 2009!
Oh, by the way - is the title a conscious Dan Brown reference?
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYep, this is very nearly perfect, technically. A difficult thing to do, but - as ever with your writing - you've impressed me!
The thing I'd say about this poem is that a sense of place is hard for the reader to imagine - there's just not quite enough establishing imagery. The abstracts "doubt" and "pride" are both used in the first stanza, which is a bit dangerous, because it gives the reader nothing concrete to get hold of. I'm not sure, either, that the implied personification of the abyss - if something's "laden", it suggests at least vague human characteristics - quite works; I'd suggest a less human-sounding simile. It's HER that's going to be "laden", and I realise the abyss is a metaphor, but somehow it just sounds a bit muddled to me.
This is impressive, though, and as usual I'm just being picky. Happy Christmas!
Penny
Thanks everyone,
ReplyDeleteI guess it's comments like those that keep it all worthwhile really, especially now that I've hit that 'can't be bothered' stage that every writer encounters sometime or another. Hopefully I'll be back on form next task.
P.S. to Sarah_C yeah the title was, but to be honest,I just saw the trailer for the upcoming film and Ithought it'd fit quite nicely into the piece.
Thanks again,
Carlsberger.