What is this that I see
With my very own eyes?
I came down for a drink
And was caught by surprise.
What a mess on the rug!
Didn't God give him eyes?
After helping Mum- Yet
He still eats my mince pies.
Then again, look at him
With his red rosy face.
Out of breath, never stops
Working hard, night and days,
In his workshop with elves,
And old Rudolph at hand
Giving presents to kids.
Father Christmas is grand!
Sorry for the late post.
ReplyDeleteHi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI'm really impressed with the anapestic rhythm in this poem! The only problem is that you were supposed to write in tetrameter, which is 4 feet per line. Each of your lines only has 2 feet. You can solve this problem by simply combining lines:
"What is this that I see with my very own eyes?
I came down for a drink and was caught by surprise."
Unfortunately, this now means that you are 2 stanzas short, but this is easily fixed by just expanding the poem.
Anyway, congratulations! Your anapestic rhythm is absolutely PERFECT. Yes. :)
So let's talk about content. This is a really sweet poem, and it's definitely putting me in the Christmas spirit. I just want to caution you with certain words that seem a little out of place, i.e. "yet" in line 7, "Then again" in line 9. These are both words/phrases that mean a shift in mood or opinion, but I'm not sure I fully understand the shifts that are meant to happen. I think expanding your poem will definitely help here, because you'll have more space to work on clarity.
Also, in terms of clarity, the "mess on the floor" is very vague. Am I meant to assume Father Christmas dropped a mince pie on the floor? And, what is the point of portraying him as clumsy? Just something to consider.
Good work, and happy holidays!
Maria
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteYeah, oops on the number of feet; but I suppose Santa's only got two.
This is light verse appropriate to the season and an anticipated break. After the intensity of your recent sonnets, you show good versatility here.
Minor quibble with rhymes. Repeating the "eyes" rhyme in the first two stanzas takes some of the fizz out of this. "Face" and "days", though, is an excellent fresh rhyme.
It is an old scene, catching Santa; but your empathy in the third stanza "Then again look at him" makes the character very physically present and sympathetic. A bit of muscle before the "pop" at the end.
pax
hunni da moderators are right nd dey gave u great tips, but i just wanted 2 say well done coz i kno u wer dreading this task nd i also think ur poems quite sweet nd fit for the season. :):):) keep up da gd work, coz u truly are a star dats shining within.:D
ReplyDeleteThanks all of you for your lovely comments they are greatly appreciated. Sorry about the feet-mental not: must read question properly. I get what you mean about the vagueness and the repetition.
ReplyDeleteThanks again!