It's the word that won't live past it's sell by date; sealed
To some mould with no additives. Sorry? The word
Is a breath to you; effortless. Every dropped crumb
Left behind by that word is completely absurd.
It's the food that is sold with the fooling white smile;
It out-shines all the rest of it's kind. It's the pack
That you buy when you head into Tescos, the one
You'll consume when you need a good snack.
When your hunger is tamed, you go out to have fun
Whilst your sorrys perfect their aerobics. Inside
Your sick head you prepare the long speech that begins
With the sorry denials; you've lost before you've tried.
You are just like Mount Unzen, except it is you
Who will boil up more frequently. But you need
The insurance of sorry to aid your so wimpy escape;
Only sorry fulfills the completely wrong deed.
Dear all,
ReplyDeleteThis is not a brilliant excuse, but being ill really does have it's toll on the easiness in the flow of my imagination. My apologies if either I or my writing seem either a little 'off the ball' or weird this week; I'm just so exhausted (as most of us are at this time of year).
Apologies aside, I really hope I didn't do as awfully as I feel. ^^
E.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you're feeling rough - that's no good. I knew from this part:
'Is a breath to you; effortless. Every dropped crumb
Left behind by that word is completely absurd.'
That I was going to really enjoy this poem. You should also note that your metre, as far as I can tell, is spot on in this example, and largely fine throughout.
This line:
boil up more frequently. But you need
is an example of some lost metre I think:
'up more FRE-quent-ly BUT you need
I'm not sure that 'but' should be strong, and I think there's a missing syllable.
On a less technical note - I love the idea for this. I also enjoy your flights of figurative language, such as the 'aerobics' and 'Mount Unzen' - you evoke such grand things from something, whilst having a running theme of, fairly tame, sell-by dates. I think it's brilliant.
Oh - watch out for 'it's' in 'it's sell by date' - it's easy to do (I did it carelessly in your last blog) but: it is = 'it's' it (possessive) = its.
Well done - I hope you feel better knowing you've done something really good. Take care,
Andy
Dear E,
ReplyDeleteSorry you're not feeling on top of the world. Hope you feel better soon.
Andy has addressed some of the technical stuff, but I'd just like to say how impressed I am with your use of caesura and enjambement here. Brilliant! It really enhances the poem, and shows how sophisticated you are becoming as a writer.
I think this is a great piece of work.
Helen