Best Friend
You are close. Like my clothes to my skin. You are mine.
We go together ever so perfectly right.
You are better than others. You're something different.
You're so pure and comforting to all. You're my light.
We share trust ever strong and long lasting.
Our love bond grows all strong and belong ever more.
We have problems of course. But no; split we do not.
More over of course best friend you see I adore.
You have said many things, meaning full they always
Bring me up when I'm down, raise my sky; never frown.
Shine so bright by my side. Never cease to amaze,
I can be this lands king, you my queen wear a crown.
Memories are rare but with you it's not so hard
to make what can't be made with whoever is not
even close to being you. I protect you. Protect
me from difficulties. You are what they are not.
Fizzy
Just perusing the site and noticed that you had no comments on this attempt at all. I hope this won't have disheartened you.
ReplyDeleteThe anapestic rhythm has eluded you for a lot of this (might be worth looking back at the task itself, and comparing your attempt to some others?).
But I was struck by the way you have completely mastered caesura and enjambement, and I absolutely LOVED your final three sentences (lines 15-16).
I have chased your moderators today, and so hopefully you will get a couple more comments soon, to add to my brief one here. In the meantime, good luck with Task 34! :)
This is a really nice poem, your theme is really nice and you it is consistent throughout. I really like the idea of kings and queens (although I know some may see this as a little clichéd), and the line about memories. It is a really nice idea that the people you are with affect your ability to make memories.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed a couple of your lines that don’t quite make up the line length, line 5 and line 15. Also, although your meter seems to work, it feels a little contrived. I could read it in anapaest, but I had to remind myself where the stresses were supposed to go. I think your beginning is very strong, and the punctuation makes the stresses even more pronounced. Also, there are some lines that really fit the anapaestic meter well, such as 3, 10, 11. Try to read the poem through as you would if you did not know what meter it was supposed to be in and see where your stresses lie, then you can rework your lines to meet the task requirements.
Your use of internal rhyme is really good, it adds an extra element to the poem, and makes it more rhythmic and fluid. Also, your enjambment and caesura are really strong. I think as far as the content goes, this poem is lovely, however you need to concentrate more on the restraints of the tasks.
PS. I’m really sorry for the lateness of this reply, hope it reaches you in time to help your next project!