Seen from above the sky weeps, clouds float down here.
There shadows over human heads give earth sadness.
Still radiance new projects old but still no love.
On high the love brings the dark silhouette madness.
Then when it sights a babies face love grows calmly.
When sighting of a wrinkled hand reach out to love.
Silhouette “that wound pierced love out of my heart”.
Your heart might be black but your soul as white as a dove.
With a passion for us we could not return to,
Understand ways to feel happy and very free.
Laugh but the creature can kill you in a quick flash
As it spreads throughout city what o what could it be?
As I came to the edge of the mysterious
The creature-dying eye was falling glazed and dim.
To see within the darkened room no help no cry.
The creature walked as I caught sight of the torn limb.
No gasping breath no thank you the creature lay dead.
Disintegrated in the sand what was that thing?
Ways in which you understand not all must be known.
Maybe that was our long lost mutilated king.
Hi frizzy,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting poem, and quite different from your previous ones. I like that you are testing your limits and experimenting with new thoughts.
In terms of technical stuff, it seems that you need a bit more time devoted to mastering anapestic tetrameter. Most of your lines have 12 syllables, so well done there. Do a careful re-read, because some lines do have 11 or 13 syllables, such as "As it spreads throughout city what o what could it be?"
Now, I will give you some examples of perfect anapestic feet, from your poem:
silhouette
sil-hou-ETTE (see? three syllables, the first two unstressed and the third stressed)
"With a passion for us we could not return to"
This line is PERFECT. Read it out loud to yourself until the rhythm makes sense and you understand why this line is perfect:
with a PASSion for US we could NOT return TO
(some could argue that "return to" isn't strictly anapestic, but I think you can totally get away with it here).
Sooo, keep practicing! Rhyme is perfect, quatrains are good (4 lines), syllable count is almost there, and I'm sure anapestic stuff will make sense really soon.
Keep it up!
Maria
Hi Frizzy,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Maria; your anapests do need work. I strongly recommend reading each line aloud, and really thinking about where the stress should fall within each word. If you're not sure, you could try saying the word as part of a normal, everyday sentence. By listening out for where your own voice places its emphasis, you should be able to figure out which syllables are stressed and which are unstressed.
Don't be disheartened, though. I really enjoyed the gothic feel of this poem, and I'm sure that you will master the formal elements with practice. Happy Christmas!
Helen
Hi Frizzy,
ReplyDeleteYou've left 2008 on a high note, as this is definitely my favourite poem you've yet produced!
The other mods have focused on the technical stuff, so if it's alright I'll look more at the poetic content (the imagery, theme, etc.) of this piece.
But before I get into that: there are some places where your sentence construction is a bit muddled, and your meaning crosses the line from ambiguity into a lack of clarity. I'd pick out line three as an example of this (I'd also reword this line to avoid the repeated 'still'). On line seven, your punctuation suggests speech - it took me a re-read to work out that it is the silhouette speaking (I think?! Please correct me if not!) Also, should line two read 'their' - as in the clouds' shadows? Some lines also seem too fragmented (perhaps to keep to the strict meter), such as line thirteen - 'the mysterious WHAT?', I ask!
As such, the poem is a bit disjointed and fractured, and at times it was difficult to follow your meaning. However, there are some fantastic images - 'their shadows over human heads gives earth sadness' is particularly fine, and I like the mysterious, fantastical image of 'disintegrated in the sand'. That final statement of metaphorical meaning ('maybe that was our long lost mutilated king') could seem like an over-statement, not leaving the reader with anything to work at as they leave the poem and get on with their lives. BUT! I don't think this, and here's why: i. your poem IS quite fractured, so that more graspable meaning is needed, I think ii. the 'maybe' makes it ambiguous - not a clear statement! and iii. 'mutilated king' is a clean, striking and vivid image.
In the last task I asked you to experiment more with imagery, particularly similie and metaphor, and you have done this in fine style. I'm really excited to read what 2009 will bring!