The distance it has grown and it left me alone.
And I’m falling to silence, with no one to hold
Me. I’m left with no choice but to hide on my own.
All the moments we spent are now left in the cold.
I’ll remember the past in my dreadful dark tears;
In the dark where my love is now left to survive.
It is true; I’m in search of your love to undo
The mistakes I’ve made, redness of pain seems alive.
I refused to believe I can go on without
You. My blood it is stirring in anger, my trust
Is destroyed and my smile it is fighting the truth.
And I’m living in lies that are covered in dust.
I’m so lost, with no hope and the past it remains
In my heart. You’re the answer my riddle has lost
And it’s only you who has the power to solve
It. I’m warm in a place full of crystal clear frost.
Yes. I trusted you, why did you break it apart?
All my thoughts of you; deadly virus in my mind.
You’re the piece that will fit in my puzzle of dreams
But my dream won't come true, but can't leave it behind.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteIt's cool to read your stuff again. I like the questioning, mind-wrenching feel this piece - you've made a good attempt at the metre too, and I like your rhymes.
I'll go through some picky examples in order - I hope these help:
'distance' would be DISTance - so it doens't quite fit. I'm sure you could fix it though.
'And I’m falling to silence, with no one to hold' - excellent. There's some great examples of metre in here, and the images are beautiful (I especially like 'puzzle of dreams') Well done.
dark tears - dark it strong. DARK (scary in capitals - I know).
refused - doesn't fit with the tense. Use 'refuse' or 'could.'
'my trust
Is destroyed' - great enjambement.
I haven't given you pointers on every missed bit of metre, and you do need to tighten it (so have a good re-read if you get chance), but you've done well. I hope that the examples above help you see where you've gone wrong, but, more importantly, I hope you can see what you should be proud of,
Thanks,
Andy
Hi,
ReplyDeleteWell done on this lovely imagery - a few metrical things to tweak, though.
Line 1: "it has" disrupts the metre, and it's not the best choice grammatically. How about "The distance has grown and it's left me alone"?
Lines 2-7 are perfect, and some great language there. Line 8: it needs to be "the mistakes that I've made" to fit with the anapest, but that'll mean you need a monosyllabic alternative for "redness" - the two syllables interrupt the metre.
There's a tendency for you to use "it is" instead of "is" in order to fit the metre. This is permissable perhaps once in a poem, but it sounds a bit forced: I'd suggest "my smile is still fighting the truth" in line 11.
I love "you're the answer my riddle has lost"!
Line 15 isn't quite right. It's a bit cheesy, but a quick fix would be "and it's you - only you - who has power to solve/It".
Line 18 needs fixing, too: "DEADly" interrupts the pattern. "How you poison my mind" would work, but isn't as good an image!
Just tweak these things and the poem will be a very satisfying anapestic one! Well done - anapests can be tricky, and you've made a poem that is strong in its concepts, not too caught up in the rhythm.
Penny
Hello again, and well done once more for managing a new set of poetic rules so admirably. The fact that Penny and Andy have pointed out a few wrinkles that need ironing out does show that you haven't nailed the form completely but you've still proved yourself to be amazingly confident on first attempt. But then the ace up your sleeve is your effortless control of imagery. Indeed usually when I comment on your poetry there are one or two really clever uses of imagery, whereas in this poem they are numerous, but my favourites include "dreadful dark tears", "redness of pain", "lies that are covered in dust", "full of crystal clear frost", and "piece that will fit in my puzzle of dreams".
ReplyDeleteBut in any case, I need to say something negative otherwise there really is no point in my doing this so I shall second Andy's comments on the misplaced stresses on 'distance' in the opening line, and Penny's comments on the ackward grammar of "it has grown" which could both be rectified together if you get rid of "it", move "distance" a syllable forward, and then put your free syllable inbetween "the" and "distance". For example, "The cold distance has grown and has left me alone".
In any case, I look forward to your next work, and well done as usual,
Eoghan