If i could escape the cage that i am trapped in
it would be out of the pan and it would be in-
to the fire. Double edged sword of cliché and the
obvious joke that I'm telling is wearing thin.
I am the kettle and i am the pot that is
made up of chocolate, I'll melt if you don't do this:
Save me from me and myself and the jester in-
side of my brain it's tormenting. You get the gist?
I'll slay the dragon, you'll rescue the maiden in-
side of the tower, the curse will be lifted but,
you will be frozen in salt because you looked back.
Iron doors to my imagination are shut.
Leave me here where i can dwell on the past because
it's all i have and it's all i can bring to life.
i'll never innovate, someones already tak-
en my ideas, and gotten through all my strife.
Sorry It's a Bit Late. I was out saturday evening and didn't wake up until afternoon today.
Hope you enjoy.
Sorry for my lateness, too, Naboo. Just a quick comment to let you know I will be looking at this a little later.
ReplyDeleteHello again, once again you have show your prowess at thought-provoking offbeat poetry with a strongly self-conscious sense of humour. Indeed I won't dwell on this as your abilities in this field keep getting stronger and stronger, but your confidence with the technicalities of the task does need to increase.
ReplyDeleteThere are a number of technical errors in the poem;
In lines 1, 2, 5, 7, 9, 10, and 13 you stress "the" when the words around it are much more deserving of stresses
In line 4 you stress the final syllable of "obvious" when the first syllable needs to be stressed
In line 8 the middle syllable of "tormenting" needs to be stressed
Line 12 is a syllable short
In line 15 the first syllable of "never" needs to be stressed
These are all issues that can be easily rectified, however, and at the end of the day this is the first attempt at a new task. But as I say, your abilities at unique, assured writing are stronger than ever, you just need to fine-tune the technical side, which I'm sure you're more than capable of,
Well done,
Eoghan
Hey Naboo, so sorry this is such a late response. I am a silly-pie and this totally slipped my mind.
ReplyDeleteAs Eoghan has said, you seemed to have quite a bit of trouble with the new structure of stresses here. Often a where a stress is meant to be, there is a word that obviously shouldn't be stressed (e.g. 'the' in the first few lines).
I think perhaps you add in too many unstressed words in the second foot, which throws the rest out of balance. I have emphasized the natural places of stress in what you have written, and then where the structure demands it SHOULD be:
1.
if i COULD es-cape the CAGE---
should be
if i COULD es-cape THE cage---
which then doesn't fit right.
2.
it would BE out of the PAN---
should be
it would BE out of THE pan---
3.
leave me HERE where I can DWELL---
should be
leave me HERE where I CAN dwell---
Do you see what I mean? It is as if you have GOT a rhythm, but unfortuntely it is the wrong one.
The last word of every line should be an emphasised one. This is an easy one to spot. So why would you end your lines in obviously unemphasised words such as 'in', 'the' and 'is'? This seems a bit careless to me, but easily corrected, so that's something to look out for next time.
The many cut-off words at the end of the lines seem quite clumsy. I would advise against doing this unless it is for a certain effect. Here it seem it is just to desperately try and fit the rhythms (which unfotuntely it still doesn't).
Rhythms aside, you have a good idea here for your subject matter. I really loved the line:
I am the kettle and i am the pot that is
made up of chocolate
The progression of the image here is perfect.
You've got the correct rhyme-scheme too, so well done on that. Again, though, don't split words at the ends of lines just to fit with a structure. Make the structure work for YOU, not the other way around.
Don't forget to proofread for careless errors, such as not starting a new sentence with a capital letter.
Overall, I'd say you need a lot more practice with the rhythms of this type of poem, but not a bad attempt overall.
That was me, btw.
ReplyDeleteSophie