I have something to say, but it's hard when your there,
Your words they make me feel like I'm flying above;
Like I'm soaring and twirling and no one can stop,
What I'm feeling for you your my little white dove.
I feel joyful and happy when your here my dear,
I feel like i can do what i put my mind to.
There's no stopping me now I'm so in love with you,
In the dark all alone your my star your my moon.
Come with me be with me help me get through this life.
How can i win you over and gain all your love?
You've gained mine and much more; round you my world revolves,
Your my angel that lives in the heavens above.
I thank you, it's the end that's all i have to say
Yet there's still a bit more if you want to find out,
But those words won't come out till you get to my heart,
And then we'll be together and never apart.
so sori for the late post i just understood how to write them... nd i hope da rhyming's ok. :)
ReplyDeletethnxx
(sori agen)
Hello Capricorn 93, sorry for commenting late, I'm in a hostel right now and I can't always get to the internet when I'd like to.
ReplyDeleteSo, to your poem. You've done well with the anapestic tetrameter, you've got the correct number of stresses in each line, the correct amount of lines in each stanza, and it's correct. The first line, for example, has the stresses on 'some' 'say' 'hard' and 'there', some of the more important words of the line, and it fits in with the natural stress of 'something', so that's really good, well done. You've accomplished this at other times in your poem too, 'over', 'together', and 'alone' all fit in with the meter and their own natural stresses. Good job!
In some lines, maybe you could re-jig them so a strong word is emphasised more, for example, 'get' in line one stanza three. It's not an emotive word, a descriptive word, or a visual word, so it might be worth looking in a thesaurus to see if there is a better word you could substitute.
At times I did find your poem hard to read. I think that you need to use more commas in your poem because sentences run on, I got confused, and had to start again. Punctuation can give the poem more readability and extra caesura points too - always a bonus. I will use the third line of the third stanza for my example:
'You've gained mine and much more round you my world revolves'
I think that this line needs to have a comma or maybe even a semi-colon after 'more' to split the two thoughts. When I first read this, I stumbled after 'you' - '... much more round you' kind of makes sense as it's own sentence but it doesn't fit within the line. It's up to you as the writer to watch out for these kinds of obstacles. Another line which may also benefit from being more punctuated is the first line of the third stanza - give the reader a chance to catch their breath. I remember saying something sinilar to you on your last post, so try and remember for next time, as a comma here and a semi colon there can really help a poem out.
However, some lines work with low punctuation - in the first stanza for example, 'Like I'm soaring and twirling and no one can stop,/What I'm feeling for you'. In this line, the lack of punctuation emphasises the narrators lack of stopping power, and shows us his/her feelings rather than telling, as the reader is unable to stop with them. This is really good, and shows that you're thinking about what you're writing.
You've almost got the rhyme scheme down. In this style of poetry, the rhyme scheme is abcb - only the even lines in each stanza need to rhyme. In stanzas one and three, you've got this, awesome, however, in two and four, you do not, slightly less awesome. You got 'too' and 'moon', which do sound kind of similar, but don't actually rhyme. Then you have 'out' and 'apart', which again, have something similar in their sounds, but don't rhyme. If you get stuck for words that rhyme, click on the Rhymezone link over to the right of the page, it's really good.
You've got some internal rhyme in your lines, which is great to see, 'here' and 'dear' in line one of stanza two, 'do' and 'to' in line two of stanza two; this one is especailly nice because the rhyming words both fall on stresses. It's touches like these which can really elevate a poem, but I think that it might be worth reminding yourself of the rules again, and maybe reading some examples online so you feel more comfortable with it. I think that the more comfortable you get, the better your poetry will be.
I look forward to reading your next post. Enjoy the holidays!
Frances :o)
Capricorn93,
ReplyDeleteGreat attempt, as always, this week! I’m impressed with your first go at anapest poetry. Honestly, I didn’t even know what the rhyming scheme was until Mr. Savage explained it on the blog, so yeah, I’m very impressed.
To begin though, always make sure you have correct grammar and spelling in your poetry. I know that Wordvoodoo is informal, but it’s good to get in the habit of having correct grammar in your writing – it’s a significant tool. And, it’s an easy fix. Don’t get too comfortable with rushing; always look over your work.
You have some great lines in this. The first one that stood out to me was “In the dark all alone you’re my star, you’re my moon” (basic grammar fixes!). I just really like how it flows, alone and moon half-rhyme and it makes it sound very put together. Of course, too, the imagery of a star or moon at night, and the symbolism, is pretty clear. I like it a lot.
I like your use of repetition, little moments in your poem. It’s not necessarily the repetition of the same word, but even when you use two words to describe, like: soaring and twirling, star and moon, “come with me, be with me, help me”. It’s a very effective poetic device. Keep it up!
A suggestion would be to try incorporating enjambment and caesura a bit more into your next poem, it’s hugely effective. However, I understand that this was your first go at anapest, so I’m glad you concentrated mainly on that. As you feel more comfortable, you can begin looking at more devices.
Great work, again, and happy holidays!
Genevieve
thank you everyone that commented these were really helpfull tips :)
ReplyDeleteand happy holidays to you all. and have a happy new year:)
Wow!! honestly I am so impressed; your poem is really amazing. Well done and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!:D..I'm so proud of you!!
ReplyDelete