(A 53 year old man greyed with age but with brilliant posture and designer clothes stands there in handcuffs outside his plush office)
(Turns his head to his work colleagues)
Marge, Beatrice, Marcy this is nothing but a big mistake don’t worry I’ll be back in an hour, hour and a half at a push; hold the fort (lets out a nervous laugh).
(He turns and looks at the audience everyone else gets blacked out as the spotlight stops on him)
They are the most unintelligent, useless, disgusting creatures God ever made aren’t they, but still society today expects me to work with them and socialise with them like they are some how equal! Thirty-three years I’ve had to work with them and even work under them. I’ve had to act as though I appreciate their presence and think that they are a key part of our society. But I found it hard to do it for much longer, I kinda got tired of being the second best species, so I decided to help the city, help the country and even take it as far as helping the world. So I thought I’d try to take it into my own hands somehow.
I decided to start off at the bottom and work my way up somehow. I only wanted to adjust a few but I got a bit carried away and couldn’t stop I got it inside my head that if I somehow started off small when it got to me facing the bigger ones it would be a lot easier and a lot more affective.
(He bows his head)
But then I started to make mistakes, I didn’t do my job well enough, I stopped making sure everything was done properly and efficiently. It started to all pile up on me. And fast.
(Lifts head up)
As you can probably guess people started to piece the plan together and figure out it wasn’t exactly obeying the law. They started to ask around of what I was like and how I behaved, of course my community stood by my side and tried to see the good side. But of course as we all no there always has to be the nosey parker who ends up being the snitch in my case guess who it was, one of them, but not any one of them, my mother.
(He drops to the floor head bowed)
How could she, why could she never see that all I ever had was a dream, just like any other person, Martin Luther King had a dream, she didn’t argue with his. My dream was simple and easy to fulfil.
But then again she is one of them, a woman. Why didn’t she understand I just wanted…
(Raises his head)
To have my name in lights and be Jack the Ripper, the notorious saviour of the world, the one that helped the nation, the one who manage to killed off most the women in the world.
(Stands up and holds hands above his head)
And don’t think that this little hiccup will change that.
I’m going to be a hero!
O, and don’t think I’m going to be caught while I’m at it!
Hey,
ReplyDeleteGood to see this again, and really cool to see how you've reworked it. The intrigue builds well, and there's something so callous about that last line, especially as he seems to have been caught - it shows the arrogance of your character really well. It's clear that you've thought through ways of injecting more life into him.
I can still see one semi colon in ';hold the fort' but otherwise this is very considerate to your actors - the directions are clear and the punctuation efficient.
While we're on punctuation I think you could have a full stop in 'and couldn't stop. I got it inside my head...' just to give your actor a breather. Also maybe one here: 'how I behaved. Of course my community...' becasue it makes it clearer. Also it's 'all know' not 'all no' but I realise that's picky - just in case you hadn't spotted it.
I must stress that this way of hinting at a 'job' is brilliant. And the cheekiness of saying 'it wasn't exactly obeying the law' is chilling when you realise what he's really been up too. Ace stuff.
You seem to have embraced the idea of redrafting, and that's a really good skill which'll serve you well in all your writing. Every writer needs to edit and change things as they go, and you've shown you can do it well here. Good luck with the next piece and thanks for this one,
Andy
Hey Shani,
ReplyDeleteGood job with the redrafting. How did you find the process?
Reading this through again, I get the impression that you're trying to inject an added element of tension into the monologue by initially obscuring the truth of the character's actions. I think it's a good strategy, and I think you could take it further. Maybe have the character seem quite symapthetic to start with, and then gradually reveal more and more about his true personality as the piece progresses. It might help if you planned out on paper what little hints and clues you might give the audience, so you can manage the mounting tension.
I think you might want to work on the voice of the character a little. Sometimes he sounds a lot younger than a 53 year old businessman. I'm not convinced that he would say "kinda," for example. Perhaps you could borrow a male teacher, and get him to read the monologue aloud for you? Then you'd be able to work out what kind of language works for the character and what doesn't. What do you reckon?
Helen
I think it is a very good idea to get a male teacher to read it out aloud! I might have a go at redrafting it again but I dont know if i'll have time to run It past a teacher, I'll try to get everything as perfect as I can possibly make it. Thank you for your constructive criticism and for yours too Andy.
ReplyDeleteFrom Shani_15
I echo everything Andy and Helen have said. This is an excellent redraft, in which you have refined your work with tremendous skill and flair. Well done! :)
ReplyDelete