(Tom travels on his Daily routine to work on the tube with his girl friend arm in arm.)
Tom: Don't you ever get bored of life.
Shelly: Why would I?
Tom: Don't you ever feel like getting out of it... changing it?
Shelly: Never really thought of it so deeply, why?
Tom: I'm getting tired of life. I wanna do something which stands out...
Shelly: Ryt.....
Tom: I wanna die leaving a mark on this world... something I'd be remembered by, something which makes my life worth while.
Shelly: And how you propose to do that?...
Tom: I wanna life which leaves memories even after I'm gone
Shelly:...?
Tom: Life's short... and we're going to slow... we need to speed ourselves up a bit and catch up with the rest of the world... and maybe take the lead?
Shelly: Where are you trying to go with this speech?
Tom: Shelly, shut up.... and marry me.
(Shelly backs away, doors open)
Operator: 'This is the last stop'.
Shelly: Too fast Tom... too fast. Sorry.
(Shelly walks of tube leaving Tom to wonder on his own in the now empty tube.)
awwww how touchin lol
ReplyDeleteimagine if you were tom :(
deeeeeeeeep loool
Hi Fizzy, I like this scenario and I like the ending. I wonder if, to convey the way the two characters aren’t really in tune, you could have more sense of questions (Tom’s) unanswered, of Shelly having her own conversation with herself almost. Think about the way people actually speak and how often conversations are based on only half-listening to what the other person is saying. This would give a nice piece even more depth.
ReplyDeleteHi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteIn agreement with Paper, Scissors, Stone! I really liked the strong ending and I think you should work the whole piece towards this abrupt parting of the now ex-lovers.
Some more ideas! You could do with more 'Shelly' in it. She could answer Tom's questions and by doing so reveal her ignorance of the direction of Tom's conversation. Tom could ask more personal questions about her commitment to him and she seems to give him the answers he wants. But the answers she gives could also show her unsurity about the situation she is in. Tom thinks Shelly is his saviour, but she isn't. He can seem to be in contol of the conversation, working it towards what he wants, she can answer him, giving him the answers she thinks he wants to hear, showing herself as thoughtful, considerate, caring about Tom, and right at the end when she abruptly leaves, we realise how hollow her statements were.
So a really good start, and a strong structure to continue working on.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes
ann g
I agree - Shelly is too absent during the scene to render the conclusion wholly satisfying. The ending itself is fine, but with more clues as to Shelly's doubt (and Tom's obliviousness) would have got there more effectively.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, a neat and convincing little scene. Well done!
His sentiments seem too clear, in speech we rarely say what we mean, we avoid the issue, expecting our listeners to understand, ambiguity is key.
ReplyDeleteWhy not try listening to a real conversation, its a good way to get a feel for the natural pace, interruptions and silences of speech. In one of our classes we were asked to transcribe a conversation that we overheard- pretty difficult as people talk so fast, but lots of fun (just try not to make it obvious that you're listening, you may receive some interesting looks :)
good luck x