Lisa: I can’t do this
Joanne: Yes you can! Just hold on to the sheet tightly!
Mark: I think its best you stop wiggling it might go in a bit easier
Joanne: I’m going to go now it might be a bit easier if people aren’t watching
Mark: Thanks Joanne
Joanne: Good luck Lis. Ask him to rub a bit more stuff on it so you don’t feel as much pain
Mark: I don’t know if there’s any left
Lisa: I REALLY CAN’T DO THIS NO ONE SAID IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS, YOU LOT LIED!
Mark: O come on! When it’s over with you won’t be the same, you’ll be a women
Lisa: Maybe I’m not ready yet I’m only 15, I think I need a bit more time!
Mark: It’s going to hurt just as much when you’re older. It’s only a few seconds of pain
Lisa: Alright then just hurry up. And even if I say stop, don’t; just keep on pushing. I’ll be alright.
30 minutes later
Lisa: That really weren’t as bad as I thought it would be.
Joanne: Really? What happened exactly?
Lisa: O shut up Joanne, don’t make me explain the gory details!
Joanne: Ha Ha Ha, Go on
Lisa: Well he took it out the packet put it on then just shoved it in my mouth! I felt a little prick but it was only two seconds of pain! I could swear needles are supposed to hurt that’s why they are all pointy and stuff. Then after I was numb he just took out my molars and now I’m a woman. That’s what happened.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
ReplyDeleteNAUGHTY! ;O
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
ReplyDeleteNAUGHTY! ;O
Hey,
ReplyDeleteHaha. Good to see some humour being explored, and this is a well structured build up with a cool punchline. As sugadust said: lol.
There's some stuff you could play around with with the staging of this - firstly I'd say that it's good to introduce what the audience is being shown at the beginning. Just a line on place and character appearance (although I guess you'd have to stress that we're not being shown everything here - maybe keep it behind a hosptial screen til the end).
This leads me to my second thing. Your reveal works well, but I think it's a shame that we have to be told it. You could achieve the same effect with us being shown the punchline. Have the curtain drawn back, we see a dentists chair, and Mark says 'and that's all your wisdom teeth done' or something (something better, but you get the idea).
Also I think you could have some suspicious noises coming from behind that curtain to further underline the build up :)
Just to be picky:
- I wouldn't use semi-colons in drama, ever. It confuses actors. I know it reads better sometimes, but you can't afford ambiguity for the actor's delivery. I'm not sure if you're being taught differently to what I say though - this seems to crop up in everyone's writing whatever I say, and if so fair enough, but maybe tell me if you get chance so I don't keep going on about it.
Well done - the suggestions are just if you wanted to play around with it. I just think that your ending is a bit cruder than the rest of it (cos the rest draws you in really well) so paying attention to that would serve you well. I look forward to the next piece. Take care,
Andy
LMAO!!! That was jokessssss... When i started reading i was like ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... lol Love the twist in the end LMAO! nice one
ReplyDeleteThat was hilarious my god! The twist was Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteHello there,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I think you've been a bit cheeky smuggling a third character into your dialogue! As I recall, the task stated that your "tiny play" should include just two characters! However, unlike a duologue, a dialogue *can* involve more than two characters, and I understand why you've chosen to add a third person.
I like the fact that you've used a twist to structure the piece. With something this short, it's important to have a good, strong ending so that the audience knows when it's over.
You have to make sure that the innuendo really works. Everything that the characters say must clearly fit with both the imagined, sexual scenario and the actual situation. I was a little confused by the packet that Lisa talks about at the end of the piece. She says that Mark 'put it on then just shoved it in my mouth'. I'm not quite sure what the "it" is here in terms of dentistry. Surgical gloves? Do they come in packets?!
I may just be being a bit dense, but I'm finding it hard to envision what exactly happened behind the curtain. If Lisa is going to talk about something that the audience doesn't see, you have to be careful not to compromise clarity for the sake of double entendre. You don't want to leave your public too confused!
Anyway, I'm glad you had fun with this. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Helen
A really clever experiment in innuendo, in which you work hard to convince us of your characters loss of virginity and then leave us comically deflated and surprised by the fact that she has had some teeth taken out.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think you need to be a bit more explicit in your final paragraph to avoid any confusion. Something like: "And mum says I shouldn't be afraid of the dentist. Honestly, I know those back teeth had been hurting me for months, but I feel a bit lost without them."
I am also a little confused by the "taking it out of the packet" bit, as it might be pushing the innuendo a little far. I reckon that, by the final paragraph, the double-entendre can probably rest.
Hope that makes sense. That said, a really fun and creative piece of work. Well done!