(A teenage boy lays in bed playing with his hair, staring at the blank ceiling in a room on the 6Th floor of a building. The lights out and the only light now is coming from the window.)
Hmm. I wonder if things could have turned out differently, if only I done something different earlier on. Dad wasn't as bad as mum makes him out to be now. I hate the way she talks about him sometimes, yes he was wrong but at least his intentions were good, he just wanted the best for everyone in his own way, whether he was wrong or right, too stubborn. Maybe I would have been better of staying with him, instead of running off with mum? Or maybe... maybe I shouldn't even be with any of them at all.
(A tear drops from his eye. He then gets up, paces around the room for a while and then slowly walks over to the window and rests forehead on the cold glass.)
Everything that happened went wrong all because of me. Because of me they split and now they're so far apart. Because of me everything changed. Nothing seems right no more, because of me. It seems the world would be a miles better place without me after all. But then again, I never really volunteered to be born. I Never asked to be in a family did I. I never asked to be given a body, or to have a life. Besides everything would be better off without me anyway, so what's the point. I might as well not bother with anything anymore. It's all useless.
(Slides balcony door open slowly and walks over to the edge, wind blowing steadily making his overgrown hair move about wildly.)
Hmm... I miss dad. I wonder where he's at now, what he's doing, if he remembers me even. I doubt he does. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. I hope he's OK and all that. I hope he's happy though. If only mum and dad just got along like the rest of the world, life would be so much easier for everyone. What ever I do goes wrong now. Everything I do is either useless, a failure or ends up completely negatively. Hmm, I'm obviously not needed here, nobody's gonna miss me when I'm gone then for sure. No ones gonna give a shit.
(Leans over balcony edge and falls to his death)
Hi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteI think my comments are really as I said before. This is quite a strong subject that you are dealing with and I would like to know a little more about why your character has arrived at such a desperate situation. Even if you allowed us a few glimpses into his life, into events that can show us why he blames himself for so much, then he will become more of a character who I can believe would do such a dramatic thing as jump out of the window. As he is at the moment, I just can't imagine him really doing it, even though you describe him as doing it. I think what I am trying to say is I can't see him as having lived through something that causes him to choose suicide. So you still have some digging about into his history to do. It's not easy, but worth while exploring his rasons and motivations more.
Good luck with it
ann g
Whoops spelling error!
ReplyDelete'rasons' should be 'reasons'!!!
I still think you're only scratching the surface, Fizzy. You've taken on board some suggestions, but there is still a lot more to expose about your character's life, interactions and motivations, I reckon.
ReplyDeleteYou've got the makings of a very good monologue though here, of which you should be proud. :)
Hi Fizzy, I see what the other comments are saying and I more or less agree. There are two ways out of this problem: either make the climax of the monologue less extreme (maybe he just runs away from home, rather than jumping) or you will have to show why this person takes such an extreme step. I like the monologue though, I think it works well. I would suggest changing the conclusion as you’ll otherwise have to do a lot to suggest how this boy comes to such a desperate position.
ReplyDeleteHey Fizzy
ReplyDeleteAs the other comments have suggested you really need to capture the personality of your character, we need a voice to guide us through his issues, maintain his colloquialisms, his tone and maybe bring in some repetitions- an image perhaps- as we often think in circles, especially when under stress. Make him someone we can get to know, someone we can sympathise with, and therefore someone we mourn for at the end. You can characterise through description of his gestures as well as through speech- does he bite his fingernails or hide his hands in his sleeves? Is he scrawling a message on the wall?
Make the family problems more concrete, there must be something which has pushed him over the edge, it's too vague at the moment.
Good luck with editing
Dani