Two best friends talking. One friend has just dumped her boyfriend.
Tania- how can he do that to me? Who does he fink he is?
Nisha- I told you from the beginning his not worth it, don’t waste your tears on him, would he ever cry over you?
Tania- but you don’t understand, I thought, I thought he was different. I thought he loved me.
Nisha- Don’t think about him, you should feel gratis; you should feel fortunate not to be fixed with that temperamental bastard. Think about all he put you through.
Tania- yeah but I love him...
Nisha-love what? His mood swings... 1 day his nice to you the next his fucked... Don’t bother with him.
Tania- but Nish, you don’t know my hopes my plans; I thought we was going to get married.
Nisha- married? At 16, Tania seriously love, stop hurting yourself you know never to think ahead. That’s the problem with you.
Tania- I can’t help it, he just he just was perfect, everything I ever wanted was in him. The ideal smile, the awesome personality. I really need to get over him.
Nisha- you really need to stop thinking about the past and concentrate on now. Forget him. His not worth it. No ones worth your tears. Just think of it as his lost out, because he has.
Tania- I really hope I get over him.
Hey Sadz,
ReplyDeleteBreak-ups are a great topic for conversation – they’re interesting to hear about because most people can relate to or empathize with them. So you’ve set yourself up for a potentially great mini-dialogue, but the conversation between Tania and Nisha (which are cool names, by the way) seems like one that has happened many times before. It’d be great if you could use this opportunity to do something a little different – maybe Tania goes a bit mad after the break-up and starts talking about things that never happened and Nisha has to help bring her back to reality. Or maybe while they’re talking Tania discovers that her boyfriend broke up with her because he’s dating Nisha now instead. There are many possibilities here. Don’t be scared to take a risk!
In most cases here, you do pretty well emulating the girl’s speech patterns, such as when Nisha says “Love what? His mood swings…one day he’s nice to you the next he’s fucked…don’t bother with him.” I can really hear her saying that. But in other cases, it doesn’t sound realistic, like when Tania says: “everything I ever wanted was in him. The ideal smile, the awesome personality. I really need to get over him.” It doesn’t sound, to me, like something a 16 year old girl would say. It also feels a bit forced when Nisha uses the words “gratis” and “temperamental.”
One thing that I found distracting was when you used wrote “he is” as “his.” It’d be less distracting to use “he’s” or if you are trying to show the way they speak, then maybe make a new contraction “h’is” so it doesn’t get confused with the possessive pronoun “his.” Sorry – hope that makes sense!
Keep working with this – it has the potential to be even better!
thanks
ReplyDeleteWith a 'tiny play' like this, whether it succeeds or not can often rest entirely with the ending. The rest of the script can be great, but without an original and surprising ending, it can come to nothing.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is what I think is happening in yours: a convincing and believable scene, let down by an unsurprising , rather banal conclusion. Do you see what I mean?