Two men are sweeping the floor of a barber shop, there’s a woman over at the corner shop who happens to be the Barber’s wife.
Eric What on earth do you think you’re doing?
David Just checking out that fit bird over at the corner shop.
Eric You nasty, dirty pervert….. Let me have a look.
David HAHA you can’t resist can ya?
Eric Well, I’m just having a little peep, I mean what harm can that cause….
David Well mate, like I’ve always said…
(Eric Jumps Back in Surprise)
David DUDE!!! What are you doing?!!!
Eric Eh Dave, do you know who we’ve been staring at all this time?!
David Erm… Heather Mills? Fearne Briton?
Eric No Dave you bumbling buffoon!!! That’s Tim’s Wife!!!
David And...?
Eric Don’t you get it? We’ve been eyeing up Tim’s Wife, He’ll never want to talk to us again.
David Oh, So you think that Tim’s going to think that his Bird’s doing the dirty on him with us?
(Eric feebly Ruffles David’s short stocky hair with the ancient art of a SLAP)
Eric Well David if that’s how you wish to put it, yes.
(David massages the spot where Eric had slapped him whilst simultaneously speaking)
David Well it wouldn’t surprise me, I almost had her in high school, I don’t see why that should change now.
Eric Just shut up you “yob” of a man.
David Take a Chill Pill Dude, Tim won’t find out if we don’t tell him, besides we were only goggling her goodies.
Eric I know but I feel bad and…
David Listen you little schoolgirl, just calm down and shut up, Tim would never find out…
(Whilst David and Eric are talking they are blindly unaware that Tim is standing right behind them listening to they’re conversation)
Tim WHAT’S THIS ABOUT MY WIFE?!!!!!!!!
David Busted……
omg... i relee like this one... like relee... the suspense n endng... brilliant :)
ReplyDeleteThis is jokes.Well done!
ReplyDeleteHi Life, this is a nice scenario (though I’m not sure you even need the surprise at the end). But think more about it. 1) you might want to remove some of the exclamations and upper case; it looks like you’re trying too hard to tell the reader what to think where the dialogue should really be doing that work. 2) think again about the way the conversation goes. Is this really such an unusual scenario? Would two men eyeing up another’s wife be so embarrassed about it? Maybe they’d do it quite happily but without explicitly discussing it. Think about it. They might even end up criticising aspects of her appearance (which would be a good moment at which to have Tim appear).
ReplyDeleteLife
ReplyDeleteHi. An interesting play here, but you need to get more drama into it. Some ideas at this stage, really. Could David be watching the wife 'perform' for him, be flirting with him, aware that she is being watched? Then Eric goes over to see what is happening. Then there can be dialogue between the two men whilst the woman continues, and this dialogue shows their different opinions about what she is doing, and this conversation also shows their relationship with Tim. David and Eric need to be on opposite sides of the 'fidelity' argument, or you will not be able to create the drama you need to make this come alive, and the discussion they have about what Tim's wife is doing could also disclose the sort of relatonships both of them have at home.
At the end, you can still have Tim come in. What if he went over to the window to see what was happening and David said to him that there's his wife and she's waving at him - and she was?? This could be quite dramatic!
So you have the structure of this. You just need to work at it a bit more to get some drama into it.
Read 'The Million Tiny Plays' examples again and look especially for what leaks out about the characters and their lives from the things they say to each other. If you can get this into your work, you will have a very interesting piece!!
Hope this helps.
Best wishes
ann g
I agree with these comments: you've got the makings of a great piece here, if you can just inject a little more 'drama' into it.
ReplyDeleteI like your ending though... :)