By the time her mother reached her, it was too late. She lay on the
floor, as still as a statue, amidst the sea of needles. Her mother stunned
to silence, her eyes glued to the dead body of her only daughter. Tanya.
She lay dead on the floor of our newly rented flat.
This was Tanya's new start on life. She was doing so well; she had
reformed; she had come into the light from many months of
being trapped in the darkness of drug abuse. Living life as a junkie.
Tanya had finally got over her addiction. After months of being
addicted to all the drugs out there. Cannabis, cocaine, heroin even
Paracetamol, she decided to do something about it, she contacted an NHS
support group and got over her addiction.
She even managed to qualify as a teacher in a secondary school and she
absolutely loved it. She would come round my house and tell me what
happened in her wonderful day; I would sit there enjoying her happiness.
The way she lovingly talked about her students and her colleagues, when
Tanya was happy I was happy. I was still studying and so I told her
about all my revision and how I felt like giving up and she would say,
“education is the key to success". Then we would both just burst out
laughing at her ‘wise’ words.
Everything was going fine until that one lesson. That lesson had
disaster written all over it. Disaster with a capital D.The day she had
to give a lesson on drugs.
I remember begging her to call in sick but Tanya would not listen. She
was not going to give in, so instead I accompanied her to school. Luckily
the school thought I was a student teacher and so I got away with it.
Tanya was not happy at all about me accompanying her to her lesson but
I wasn't happy about her teaching the lesson so there was nothing the
either of us could do to make the other happy.
Surprisingly the lesson went smoothly. I assisted Tanya when it came to
handling drugs and she delivered all the information. The children were
completely absorbed in her anecdotes about her ‘friend’ and hung on to
her every word. Tanya thoroughly enjoyed this. She was an attention
seeker after all.
I was so naive in thinking that Tanya ha completely gone off drugs,
that I left her alone in the class with the case full of them.
The lesson was over and so I went to grab us both a smoothie, leaving Tanya alone with the case of drugs. There was no one to stop her taking the case; all the teachers had either gone to the canteen, shut them selves in their rooms with a heap of paperwork or gone home. There was only the cleaners on the same floor as Tanya but they were too absorbed in their own work to see a teacher ‘returning’ a case of drugs, even though it was hidden underneath her coat.
I was only 10 minutes, but that was ample time for Tanya to escape with
that darn case. She even had time to write me a letter. A suicidal
note:
Dear Abbie,
I'm so sorry. I was never strong on willpower. While
I'm sitting her, alone in the flat with the case of drugs, I don't know
what I'm doing. Everything is a blur. I’m so sorry for disappointing you.
You really believed I could do it and the least I could do was to give
them up for you, but they just keep calling me. By the time you finish
reading this letter I will have gone. I’m not going to say to a better
place because I know for a fact that I'm going straight to hell, a good
for nothing waster like me. I just wanted to say that you are the best
and I love you. You’ve always been there for me and I couldn't do
anything for you. I promise that I will never ever forget you, even
while I am in Hell.
Don't try in any way to bring me back to life because I know I will
return to drugs no matter what sort of therapy I get. I’m not as strong
as you are. I wish I was but I am not.
Give my love to Mum and tell her I am sorry for being such a terrible
daughter. An omen in her life. She will be at peace without me.
Love Tanya
xxx
P.S. I am dead now
No matter how many times I read her letter it never quite sinks in
that she has gone. I hope I rot in hell for having failed her. I failed my
own best friend. All because of me, a mother is distraught at having
lost her only child. All I had to do was to keep that damn case of drugs
out of her reach and I couldn't even manage that.
By the time her mother reached her, it was too late. She lay on the
floor, as still as a statue, amidst the sea of needles. Her mother stunned
to silence. Her eyes glued to the dead body of her only daughter. Tanya...
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you should put in a verb, ‘Her mother was stunned’ in the third line; otherwise the effect is more prose-poem than story, more painting a picture than narrating events. Tense: ‘This had been Tanya’s new start’ is better because what you’re describing is the past before the past of the narration (‘She lay on the floor’).
You begin by telling the story quite briskly and this effect might be lessened by using a few shorter sentences rather than putting so many events in one longish sentence, e.g. ‘she decided to do something...she contacted an NHS group and got over her addiction’.
‘Come round to my house’ is better than ‘come round my house’ unless the piece is supposed to be spoken not written. Punctuation: I’d suggest ‘She would come round to my house and tell me what happened in her wonderful day. I would sit there enjoying her happiness, the way she lovingly talked about her students and her colleagues; when Tanya was happy, I was happy.’
Suicide note is better than ‘suicidal note’. Also check for typos like ‘her’ for ‘here’ in the note.
This is well written and absorbing but I worry slightly about the central premise – do drugs talks in school really use actual drugs (and in quantities that a user could overdose on)? You might want to check if this is plausible and if not, alter the events (Tanya could go back to her old dealer after the drugs talk). I like the way the piece goes back to the beginning at the end.
Good work!
anjali
Also, unless the postscript to the note is intended to be comic, it might be worth taking it out - it ends up being slightly funny just because obviously a dead person can't write a note pointing out that she's dead, even though the reader knows what you mean by this.
ReplyDeleteI do another redraft and see if that is better taking your comments on board.
ReplyDeleteThank you.