- "Love is racing through my veins"
- "The soft feeling of your silky skin"
- "My thoughts, mere reminiscences of you"
Exercise 2: Trochaic Tetrameters
- "sensation of the first kiss"
- "Do your hair, gobble tic tac and walk out"
- "The sunsets near and it is just us two here"
Exercise 3: Dactylic Trimeters
- "Good and bad differ so blatantly"
- "Baby why can't you be with me?"
Exercise 4: Anapestic Demeters
- "Beautiful yet highly greatly ugly "
- "Defined but completely abstract"
Exercise 5: Quatrain; abab; iambic pentameters
"Holding hands throughout the warm summer winds.
Kissing gleefully in the pouring cool rain.
And now they were a lot more then just friends
and then the slow ride back aboard the train."
Exercise 6: Quatrain; abab; anapestic tetrameter/anapestic trimeter/anapestic tetrameter/anapestic trimeter.
"When the world seems harsh and its upside down
Your confused and your lost but keep going
Then there must surely be hatred around
but when love is here you've earned your crown"
Faizan Mohammed...
Hi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteSomething obviously went wrong here – your first line is trochaic not iambic, and one syllable short! It’d be easy to make it iambic – eg ‘It’s love that races through my veins’. Bear in mind that in a simple short declarative sentence like ‘Love is...’ it’s very unnatural to try to put a stress on the ‘is’. The second line isn’t iambic either (and again it’s nine syllables). The third line works well and you’ve used a long word cleverly.
The first trochaic line is nine syllables, it should be eight; and the metre is iambic!
‘GobBLE’ is by no stretch of the imagination a natural pronounciation. What is a line of tetrameter (ie four feet or eight syllables) doing with ten syllables? Your third line of trochaic tetrameter also has nine syllables and is more obviously iambic than trochaic.
The first dactylic line works well. The second is a syllable short and the rhythm a bit more uncertain.
The anapaestic dimeters are supposed to be six syllables, your first line has ten! And ‘highLY’ doesn’t work at all. Also – what does this line mean?!
The iambic quatrain begins with a strong trochaic beat: ‘HOLding HANDs...’ but it does have the right number of syllables. We’re up to eleven in the second line...the third line is mostly fine and the fourth line works well too. But the quatrain has something to say and nice images in it.
The first line of the anapaestic quatrain is a bit confused: the stress should fall on ‘AND’ but that is unnatural and there’s again a syllable too many. The second line works very well. The third line is also a bit dodgy but the fourth is nearly perfect. It was a really difficult task (I got no further than the anapaestic dimeter when I tried it) so well done!
Anjali
Hi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteNot going to argue with what paper scissors stone says! Just want to concentrate on the feelings the sentences suggest. I like the sensuousness of the second line in exercise one.I would like to see what the sensation of the first kiss is, rather than just telling that there is a sensation. I did like the reality check of the tic-tac munching amongst the first and third more rapturous lines. And I think you can find a better word than gobble!There is a shift in mood in exercise three as if something difficult has occurred between the couple. Is this your intention? The rest of the work seems to be about them discovering love.In exercise five you change to third person in the text - 'and now they were a lot more than just friends.' Is this intentional? Are you now stepping outside the poem as author and looking at these two people? If so, you will need to really make that final verse that seeks to comment on love in the world a little stronger!!
Hope this helps and keep up the good work.
ann g
I'm not going to confuse matters by adding to either of these really long comments - and you could do much worse than take on board everything they say, especially with Task 19 just around the corner.
ReplyDeleteCome and find me one lunchtime if you want the whole rhythm thing explained in person?