I stare as the rain falls from upon the sky.
I shout and scream as I am told to go to sleep.
My fists clench knowing I've got school tomorrow, I sigh.
My heart pumps faster when I heard that you called me a creep.
My face turns red when you tell me I cannot play.
I explode when a killing is announced on the telly.
I look at your name on the grave and I know there you lay.
I don't understand why toilets are so smelly.
I go mental when you tease me just because of my race.
I hate it when you wake me up so early in the morning.
I hate it when I have to look at your revolting face.
Why doesn't anybody notice my talent to sing.
Why do the holidays have to end so quickly.
It is because the holidays are too short it makes me crazy.
Just a quick notice, your end couplet doesn’t rhyme! Apart from that, a good attempt at a sonnet.
ReplyDeleteThe first line lays a little awkward, “falls from upon the sky”, i think one or the other would suffice here. This would also sort the iambic meter too, (if you take out “the”), “I stare as rain falls from the sky”. The next line works much better, “shout and scream” fits really nicely into iamb as it emphasises the words. Good use of caesura on the next line, the unstressed syllable lying on sigh echoes the softness with which it is said. Normally, the stress would lie on the second syllable of explode, so be careful where you place it in a sentence. Also, the placing of the word telly at the end of the sentence puts the stress on “ly”, which doesn’t sound right. Maybe you could just take out the word “the” preceding it. Just double check where your stresses lay.
It is an interesting choice to make each statement separate, I think it works well in this context. Anger makes everything disjointed and abrupt and this is echoed in the distinct difference in lines. I am looking forward to seeing a contrast in your work with a more fluid piece!
Hi suhaib,
ReplyDeleteYou show good improvement using iambs this week. However, in all of your lines you use too many feet. When I read everyone's sonnets I mark the individual beats. Then I draw a line between the feet and count them. I know this can be time consuming, frustrating and not exactly exciting. However, you really need to do this after you've composed a line. The number of feet is important because they affect the rhythm. You mention your singing. (I'm going to try not to show my age here:) Most songs have a chorus which has 8 bars (feet)of four beats. Imagine singing and suddenly there's an extra bar, an extra four beats. It won't feel natural. Maybe try it with one of your favourite songs.
Ok. Lines 2,5, and 8 and 13 have six feet. This is actually a common metre which I believe you'll study soon called alexandrine. This may be a rhythm which feels more natural to you. Line 14 has 8 feet, again an even number. All good writers have rhythms which feel more comfortable - it's a positive sign that your poetry voice is pushing you in certain directions! I think you're definitely straining to say more with each line and that's great.
So, good use of iambs. Just graft a bit harder on the number of feet. Trust me I know it's not the enjoyable part of writing, but it is important. Please let me know if any of this was unclear.
Phew. On to the enjoyable part. The poem is a superb expression of anger ("this moderator is a real pain" would fit in well?:))
The repetitions and the linking rhymes drive the poem along. The anger builds through the first 6 lines when you hit the reader with the excellent line "I explode when a killing is announced on the telly. The anger peaks and explodes here just as the "I" does. Very clever.
Then you brilliantly shift to the very moving "I look at your name on the grave and I know there you lay." "Name" and "grave" is a subtle half-rhyme (great natural ability!) which links and deepens the sadness. Putting this line after the "explosion" of anger demonstrates the anger that is a part of the sadness. The way you shift the tone, the feelings is very accomplished.
Then you throw a bit of "toilet humour" which, hey, I think it works pretty well there. Especially because you shift into high gear anger in lines 9, 10, 11. "I hate it when I have to look at your revolting face." Is especially powerful as a link to the person who's waking "I" up (at least that was my intepretation).
The tone shifts again as, perhaps almost exhausted with anger the speaker just wants to know "Why?" "Why doesn't anybody notice my talent to sing?" is especially poignant within the poem. The poet is singing, and I'll say to that poet that I appreciate the beauty of lines like "I look at your name on the grave and I know there you lay." and look forward to seeing more.
pax
Keep putting in the hard work because when you master this rhythm, the upcoming tasks will come that much easier.
Hey Suhaib,
ReplyDeleteAn interesting piece of poetry. The separate statements combined to make a list of things that anger you is erratic and slightly confusing. I agree with Gina, this mirrors the actual emotion. I like how you have some very small, seemingly irrelevant annoyances (smelly toilets!) next to things that are darker (racism). This works well, as it builds up the anger emitted from the poem. The smaller things make the reader empathise, because while they may not be able to understand how it feels to have the more solemn problems, the smaller once are experienced by everyone.
You seem to have go the hang of iamb, although seem to put one or two too many feet in each line. Although the last couplet doesn’t rhyme, you have the others spot on. I love how you’ve got all the different ways of describing anger in the poem, and the repetition of the words adds emphasis. As does the repetition of “I” and “you”. Again, you manage to pull the reader in, by directly addressing them.
A good poem, although you might want to try something less disjointed next time! Can’t wait!
Kat