Task 1
1. I wish that summer came all year round, i wish!
2. If time stood still, this life would be so cold.
3. I dont see fear as clear as those who fight.
4. we owe so much to those who fought the war
5. describe how we can help ourselves survive
6. my eyes gaze up in search of strength from god.
7. i gaze at you; your eyes enchant my mind
8.perhaps i dont belong with those i hate.
9. my thoughts survive despite my minds command
10. alot depends on how i stage myself
11. towards the end it felt i'd just begun
12.how time can pass so quick without you here
13.if love can hurt so much, why chase such love
14.i dream of dreams i dreamt when i was youmg
15. suppose we found this life we live werent real
16.a force lies deep within my soul and heart
17.as thoughts flow through my head i feel confused
18.you broke my heart, it's been repaired
19. as yet i feel iambs still cause me trouble
20.i have the strength to fight my fears till death.
Task 2
outside the window
i watch and gaze within. unaware im there,
i see them sad and laugh.if only he saw
what i'd like to eat
at first my eyes were drawn towards the cake
the cream the taste the smell. but then: the fat
a recent dream
i dreamt a dream:of doves and guns it sounds
quite wierd but dreams are meant to be sureal
annoying tasks overdue
my eyes fall down my head hangs low.A task!
a task to hard, to long to do when dead.
my body
my face. it once was seen as art; but now
it bares the scars of youth.And cuts of love
Hi Sparky,
ReplyDeleteYour command of iambic pentameter is solid, near perfect, In fact, when there is an 'imperfection' (lines 1, 18, 19) I want to think it's intentional (especially the irony(?) in "As yet I feel iambs still case me trouble."
In any case, look at those lines and "outside the window." You have the ability to make them perfect if you wish. Reading aloud might help.
The poetry is strong and often exceptional.
"My thoughts survive despite my
mind(')s command." Is a psychologically complex description of distraction. The assonance of "i" sounds and the alliteration of "m" combine with the driving beat to reinforce the statement. Top stuff.
Again, in:
"a task to hard to long to do when dead."
the strong beat and the "d" sounds drive the lines forward like some metaphorical taskmaster. (Watch using "to" when you need to use "too" -"too hard, too long - small thing which I've seen in other students' submissions)
You have real natural poetic ability. I see some great work work ahead.
pax
Hey Sparky,
ReplyDeleteYou've got a good grasp on the iambic pentameter, the majority of your lines flow really well :o) Like Pugnax said, there are a few lines which have a few too many syllables, but after a bit of tweaking these good be great too.
My favourite line of Part 1 is the third, I think the internal rhyme of 'fear' and 'clear' is really nice. You have some nice ideas in here too, keep it up!
You've done really well in Part 2 as well and handled the caesura and enjambement well. You've got the stresses down on the important, emotive words too, for example in 'My Body' you've got the stresses on 'face', 'once', 'seen', 'art', 'now', 'bares', 'scars', 'youth', 'cuts' and 'love' and it works really well.
I would recommend some commas in 'Annoying Tasks Overdue' however, as I think it improve on readability a bit, and also give extra caesura points!
I love your ideas; the cake imagery is so good that I now really want cake, and 'Outside the Window' seems so real - good work :o)
Frankie
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your work. As mentioned by the other moderators, your lines are very nearly all perfect - this is great.
A couple of tweaks to the few that aren't working: "I wish that summer lasted all year long" fits the iambic line better, though I like the repeated "I wish!" of your original. One or two of the lines don't quite sit comfortably grammatically or syntactically: we might say "we owe so much to those who fought the war" rather than "for those who fought within the war, we owe". It's difficult often to make what seems natural to say fit the rhythm, but with a little changing-round of words, it often works!
In the second half, "outside the window" doesn't quite work. How about "I sit and watch within. I'm unobserved" for the first part? It fits a little more strictly, I think.
The cake couplet is perfect - apart from the lack of punctuation. I'd have "At first my eyes were drawn towards the cake: / the cream, the taste, the smell. But then: the fat" - it just clarifies.
Really good work, though - well done! I'm looking forward to your next one.
Cheers,
Penny