How can you define such a perfect love?
My favorite feature; her long golden hair.
The perfect features on her face so fair.
A voice so miraculous like a dove,
She'll intrigue you 'till there's nothing to spare.
Through her exceeding tender, love and care.
We'd play fight and she'd give me a slight shove.
Every aspect so divine in its way,
It moved my heart to see her lovely face.
Everyone that judged her I made them pay.
I can't describe her she's a work of art.
Her as a person is another case.
My heart's telling me that we'll never part.
Nothing will come between us thats for start.
*Miracles*
Hi miracles,
ReplyDeleteThis poem is a really good start toward mastering the sonnet. Some lines are perfect iambic pentameter. For example: "It moved my heart to see her lovely face." Do you hear the rhythm of this line?
it MOVED my HEART to SEE her LOVEly FACE
If you say this line out loud to yourself a few times, I think the rhythm will make sense. Compare it to other lines in your poem to see if they fit the rhythm as well. For example: "Her as a person is another case."
HER as a PERson IS aNOTHer CASE
Can you hear the difference between the rhythm of these two lines? This last one isn't iambic pentameter because it starts with a stressed syllable ("her") followed by two unstressed syllables are placed side by side ("as a").
Just keep practicing, and soon iambic pentameter will become instinct.
As for the poetic content, I can see a lot of nice things happening. I would just like to see if you can take any of the ideas in your poem a little deeper.
For example, the beginning of the poem focuses on this girl's hair: "The perfect feature on her face so fair." This intrigued me, and I wanted to hear more. Why is her hair so perfect? What does it look like? (you did say it is "golden," but I think more detail could be given) What does it feel like? In a poem, it's usually not enough to say something/someone is perfect, nice, pretty, cruel, ugly, etc. It's best to show us.
You did this well, I think, when you compared the girl's voice to a dove. This gives us an idea of what she actually sounds like, because it gives us something to compare it to. So maybe you can apply this method to the way you describe her hair, her face, etc.
Well done so far! Keep it up.
Maria
Hi miracles,
ReplyDeleteGood improvement on metre this week. Try and find some time to correct the imperfect metres Maria pointed out. You're obviously a quick learner and the upcoming techniques will be easier to pick up when you master this one.
Also, your rhyme scheme threw me, unless my ears and eyes are going (and if they are, I apologise. It's like a cross between a Shakespearean and Italian sonnet. It divides the poem in half, interesting. Maybe one day there will be the Miracles Sonnet? But you should probably try and stick to the old favourites at least for this task.
Ok. These technical issues are important beacuse they provide the rhythm that helps emphasise your words. Like a drum beat. This week by having to focus(correctly) on getting them right, you've sacrificed some of the brilliant imagery from last week. And as I said, some of your best lines were the ones in iambiac pentameter.
I do think the sonnet is thought-provoking and has some strong images.
"How can I define such a perfect love?" is an excellent first line. It reminds me of a poem (can't remember poet, sorry) which started:
"I don't love you exactly." And then there's a pause (line break) and the poet continues "but inexactly." And as in your poem the poet finds that one can't "define" love only try and captures it in images.
The voice in the poem, the persona, tries but has to admit
"I can't describe her she's a work of art."
A powerful line (and in perfect metre).
The following line
"Her as a person is another case."
I am old and cynical, but does this mean that while "she" is beautiful her personality is not? Or is it that her personality is even better than her looks?
If you intended the poem to be entirely complimentary to "she", I thought it was important to point out that some people could read it that way. Perhaps the need to rhyme "face" led you into that possible double meaning. If your theme is that beauty can dazzle and cover up faults (a classic and important theme), then the poem works very well on this level.
If you want it to be an entirely positive love poem you might want to look at that line, because there are some wonderful, romantic images here. My favourite is "we'd play fight and she'd give me a slight shove." It's an image which perfectly captures tenderness and affection.
With practice, the techniques will become natural and your talent for images and sound will flourish.
pax