Part 1
If only I could live just by my rules
I know it's wrong but why does it feel right
At first I thought you really were the one
But now I know it wasn't meant to be
It's not my fault you left without Goodbye
You should have thought before you did the deed
Shut up you stupid little girl shut up
It doesn't have to end like this you know
A life where you're not here is much like death,
And dying by your side is much like life.
There really is no point in crying now
What's done is done, no tears can bring him back
My daughter's gone.I have no will to live
Why must we always have to scrap or fight
There's other ways to get your point across.
My heart was frozen by the sight of you,
Now ice cold water runs within my veins.
All the work I did has turned to dust
No power on this earth can break my dreams,
However strong and mighty it may be.
Part 2
Outside the window
The shining sun embraces all her slaves
With open arms.I wish I was outside.
What I'd like to eat
Well, I would like to have a chocolate cake
But Mum insists I have some fruit instead.
A recent dream
This time the horror was to real to bare
I swear I will not ever sleep again.
Annoying tasks overdue
My wrists about to break but I cannot
Afford to stop;stop and I'll be doomed
My body
A stupid little joke has turned to this,
I may not walk,ever again.
Hi ShiningStar.
ReplyDeleteThe iambic pentameter is near perfect. You obviously have a natural grasp of the technique and
it will serve you well in future pieces. Just a few minor things:
"All the work I did was turned to dust." One would, as I think you intend, stress "One" at the beginning of the line. The line can be forced into iambic pentameter (especially if you use the archaic technique of stressing the last 'syllable' of "turned."
Your technique is so strong that I'm guessing the few glitches (as in the last lines of "my body" and "annoying tasks") are intentional. If not, you can certainly fix them with ease.
So, technique is excellent.
As for the poetry as a whole, there is a raw emotion which is almost overwhelming. It is most powerful when you distance the speaker from more ordinary speech.
"A life where you're not here is much like death./And dying by your side is much like life.
This couplet is beautifully structured: subverting the usual circularity of life and death. The rhythm and sound link the words as the two personae are linked.
While the emotion is crucial to your work, more subtle images like
"the shining sun embraces all her slaves" will express the emotion in a way more readers can enter into and experience for themselves.
Excellent basis here. Look forward to seeing how your work develops.
pax
Hi Shiningstar!
ReplyDeleteYou did so well with this, and the emotional drive within these verses gives a real charge and energy to your work which is really necessary when writing poetry. It felt compelling and occasionally confessional in tone at times.
I like how there is a unity to the lines of verse and occasionally an interjection of voice and perspective: 'Shut up you stupid little girl shut up.'
'A life where you're not here is much like death/And dying by your side is much like life.'
Many of your sentences are very powerful and moving. There is also a forceful anger behind some of them which makes your writing compelling.
You might want to contrast these big emotions with some less daunting ones which would at once enhance the feelings you want to convey. In part two we see this with the chocolate cake, but perhaps when writing poetry you could weave these familiar images with the strong emotions through metaphor?
There is the odd small glitch here and there with regard to metre: 'It's hard to believe I'm not by your side.' Both 'to' and 'be' felt unstressed but follow each other, but there's nothing that can't be undone with a redraft should you decide to evolve the ideas you've explored here. I noticed that you used enjambment successfully, and experimented with caesura, too.
Great stuff.
Liz
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this. You seem to have got the hang of iambic pentameter (and what few errors were made, the other moderators have already cleared up), so I think you ought to be really proud of yourself and your work.
I really like what you've written for Outside the Window. I don't think anyone's ever personified the sun like that before, so well done coming up with a new way to describe something that people have been writing about for centuries. :) It did make me wonder exactly how someone can be the sun's slave. Perhaps this is an idea to explore in a complete peom?...
I'll leave my comments there for now. Keep up the good stuff.
Maria
Forgive me any duplication of what the the other moderators have said? It can't do any harm anyway... :)
ReplyDeletePart 1 is almost flawless, and that is a simply amazing achievement. I am in awe! :)
Line 18 just needs an unstressed syllable before “All”. I reckon Line 2 ends with a spondee rather than an iamb (see my comments on eternity_forever’s post for an explanation of this).
Above all, I couldn’t agree more that “A life where you're not here is much like death, / And dying by your side is much like life” is a simply extraordinary piece of poetry in every sense. Wow!!!
As for Part 2
Part 2
Outside the window = brilliant and spot on.
What I'd like to eat = not sure your comma constitutes a caesura, but otherwise this is great.
A recent dream = perfect iambs, but without either caesura or enjambement (and watch that spelling of “to/too”!!!!)
Annoying tasks overdue = Line 1 is good, as is the enjambement at the end – but Line 2 kind of goes off course half way, don’t you think? How about “…Afford to stop. To stop is to be doomed.”?
My body = No enjambement, and I am unconvinced by your caesura; but Line 1 at least works iambically, even if Line 2 loses its beat half way. Try: “A stupid little joke. But now I find / That I may never move my legs again.”
You’re clearly capable of getting the likes of Part 2 up to the excellence of Part 1 – and I wish you all the best with Task 30. I can’t wait to read your attempt at this next task – you are becoming simply fantastic! :)
Thanks for all your comments, reading it now I can clearly see where I went off a bit-can't believe I misspelt to/too.Now I'm getting used to this all again I will definately try to improve in the next task.
ReplyDeleteThanks once again :D
Hey shiningstar! =] Great work, you have done really well with your iambic pentameters. I love your lines 5, 9 and 10 in part one. The one thing you could improve on is to have more enjambement.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment.
Take care,
Angel_K