My love is incomplete; you’ve gone too far.
I’m left with pain, my blood burns red. I’m scared.
You left my love fragmented with a scar.
My big mistake was thinking that you cared.
The love I had, I need it back. It’s true
My tears drip memories; the lovely past.
A shattered view; we're not together. Two
Of us, my dream is gone. It went too fast.
The moon is magical, my love is too.
You loved me, now you hold her hands in yours.
A lie, it took my happiness I knew
I had. My love is death in all the wars.
I'll love you always and forever though
My tears are beautiful and cold as snow.
Hey, Angel_K
ReplyDeleteIt's ace to see your skills put into a full poem. Well done with the task. It's a solidly structured sonnet - the lines and rhyme scheme are spot on. There's just one line where the pentameter gets lost with:
My tears drip memories of our past.
It doesn't help that I say 'memories' as 'mem-ries' with my accent, but even with three syllables there's still one beat absent to the line. Maybe use a word before 'of' to fill it out, or resturcture the sentence. But don't lose the image of memories in tears, cos that's great :D
The rest of your imagery is similarly brilliant. I love the line: 'The moon is magical, my love is too.' You draw all the folklore and religious connotations of the moon and romance into a short line. Coolness.
The line 'My love is death in all the wars' is more ambiguous, but just sounds great, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I can't decide if you mean your love has died, or if your love is the personification of death - with intentions of war-like destruction (after the moon/magical reference I enjoy that version - it's very epic. It gives the impression that this breakup means vengence is about to be wrought on a grand scale).
Watch out for the rythm here: 'A shattered view; it’s no longer the two' - I think that longer should 'LONger' not 'lonGER' so you might have to rearrange stuff there. I'm sure you won't have a problem with it though.
Just as a final picky thing; saying 'your love it left my broken heart a scar' sounds poetic, but kind of old fashioned - I think you'd normally say 'has left.'
Really well done. The final line is ace, and a good full stop to the rest of the piece. I hope you're dead proud of it. Take care and happy halloween,
Andy
Hey, Andy
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comments, very helpful like always. :)
I see what you mean about the line "my tears drip memories..." I will rearrange that and the line with 'longer.'
Thanks once again.
Happy halloween to you too.
Take care,
Angel_K
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI am really impressed, like Andy, at how tightly-written this is. Sonnets are always tricky, and you've managed the iambic pentameter - and, most impressively, the caesurae - very well indeed.
Just a small problem with the rhythm of "I still and forever will love you though" - the stress lands on the first and last syllables of "forever", which isn't quite right. How about "I always and forever love you though..."? It's a bit more of an obvious choice of word, but the rhythm fits better. I'm sure you can think of a better substitute than mine - you've clearly got a very good ear for rhythm.
A couple of moments where punctuation needs to be addressed: I think you need a comma in "My love, you left it broken like a scar", and "A lie, it took the happiness I knew/I had".
Very well done; I'm very impressed.
Take care,
Penny
Hello again...after composing a detailed analysis of purple prose on the considerable merits of your poem, my computer decided to crash; presumably it wasn't impressed with my standard of analysis. Anyway the upshot of this is that I'll try my best to remember what it was I originally wrote. Basically, like your last poem, I felt that your use of caesuras and end-stopped lines was very appropriate for your subject matter as, unlike the extravagant language of a poem of mutual love and affection, your short, self-contained lines beautifully capture the alienation and distance of a love that is no longer forthcoming. There were two lines in particular that I felt were especially exemplary. 'My love it's incomplete' is an example of the caesura mirroring the sentiment, as the line itself is incomplete at this point, before you complete it with the opposite emotional extreme, 'you've gone too far'.
ReplyDeleteThe other line which caught my eye was 'A shattered view', as I feel this line is indicative of the poem as a whole, and indeed the emotionally chaotic mindset of someone suffering from bereavement, as you present a scattered chaos of self-contained lines. Well done also for having such a successful stab at the thematic division between octave and sestet, as your sestet seemed to present to me a tentative sense of closure, albeit an ambiguous one. 'My love is death in all the wars' is the line that obviously offers many interpretative possibilities; death obviously acts as closure to a war, albeit on a morally reprehensible scale, while the final line of 'My tears are beautiful and cold as snow' certainly doesn't suggest that the love of the narrator has abated, but hints at a person who is able to feel more at ease with him / herself.
Again my only criticism is but a moot one, and that is in regards to your penultimate line, in which the stress on 'forever' should be on the middle syllable, but bearing in mind you well you reacted to Andy Parrott's corrections, I'm sure you'll have no problem rectifying this,
Well done again,
Eoghan 'he likes end-stopped lines' Lavery
Let me go through this line by line to start with:
ReplyDeleteLine 1: “My love is incomplete” would work better. Otherwise, excellent.
Line 2: Brilliant – but I’d probably swap “more” with something like “burns” instead.
Line 3: It’s a bit archaic to have the object of the sentence at the start. How about: “You left my love fragmented with a scar”?
Lines 4-7: Absolutely brilliant in every respect – meter, rhyme, imagery, enjambement/caesura: wow!
Line 8: Just swap the “its” for “is” and this line is great too.
Line 9: Lovely.
Line 10: Brilliant.
Lines 11-12: Not sure about the syntax here, or exactly what you mean with this couplet. Worth reworking, perhaps?
Line 13: “Forever” is stressed wrongly, and “though” is a weak end syllable, I reckon.
Line 14: Great.
All in all, I am really very impressed with how you are flying with the sonnet form now – and producing very sophisticated poetry indeed. I think you could have steered away from a repetition of the “-oo” rhyme, but that is a minor gripe. This is great stuff, of which you should be proud.
Thank you so much Penny, Eoghan Lavery and Sir for your comments. :)
ReplyDeleteI will make them changes.