It leaves me in a world of no mans land,
It swells up quick and strong within my chest.
My optimisms thin just like a strand,
A witches curse could do less harm at best.
Connections with my conscience truly lost,
The rage, the fury rip my soul to shreds!
I may try to contain it, it’ll cost
Unlucky souls whilst they feel pain and dread.
Alas! I cannot stop it gushing out!
My fist swings wayward as I charge towards
The soon to be unlucky hang-about,
All I can do now is pray to the lord
That the boy’s journey from above to floor,
Did not hurt him at all in face or jaw.
Another good offering, life, well done. You've got the rhyming scheme down really well (although I'm not actually sure if it counts as a whole rhyme if it is pluralised e.g. shreds and dread - this is maybe something you'll have to check with Mr Savage, or if one of the other moderators know..?) and the iambic pentametre is almost permfect. I've been rereading lines 13 and 14 and they don't flow as well as the other lines. It can be easy to try and force words into the metre in your head but then when read normally it doesn't quite go right. I can't pinpoint any particular word that messes it up, but when I read it, it just doesn't flow right, for example,
ReplyDeleteTHAT the boy's JOURney from aBOVE to FLOOR
did not HURT him at ALL in FACE or JAW.
But with a bit of rejigging, this could fixed I'm sure.
I really like the description you give in the opening lines, and you've got great use of enjambement and caesura too. Well done!
Thanks very much for your comment frances, i appreaciate you taking time out to read my post. And as for those last few improvements, ill see to them as soon as i can.
ReplyDeleteHi Life,
ReplyDeleteIt’s great that you’ve experimented with tone and pace. I like that emotion becomes a physical force. We see how this develops from: ‘It swells up quick and strong within my chest,' to the cry of despair: ‘Alas! I cannot stop it gushing out!’
And the act of violence in the line: ‘My fist swings wayward..’I think these moments of exclamation and action bring a lot to the poem and give it the necessary force.
Occasionally the meter felt a little off: ‘I MAY try TO ConTAIN it IT’ll COST.' ‘it’ being unstressed followed by the stressed ‘IT,’ I don’t think is in harmony with the meter. The line that follows it I was also uncertain about in relation to the meter: unLUCky SOULS whilst THEY feel PAIN’ as both ‘feel’ and ‘pain’ felt stressed. But for the most part the meter works well, such as ‘The RAGE the FUry RIP my SOUL to SHREDS.’ Perfect.
I was really impressed with this poem, the energy behind the language and the delightfully historic atmosphere created by the cries of despair!
Thanks for posting.
Liz
You're very welcome, life, I'm happy to help :o)
ReplyDelete