1. I dont know where to go so lets have a look. Part1
2.I want to learn how to play the tambourine.
3.The wind will always blow so gently here.
4.I dream of playing football in my dreams.
5.I need to eat some food to keep me full.
6.I broke my arm and need to mend it know.
7.I need to keep on writing so that you can pleased
8.I shivered when i thought i heard a thief.
9.My power failed everuone who was with me.
10.A storm was coming nearer towards me.
11.Now i need to keep myself content and free.
12.My hazel hair is soft as a pillow
13.should i take the green pill or the blue pill.
14.I dream of going to space if only they chose me.
15.I have no strength to fight a war that nobody will win
16.The wind will blow with powerfull strength
17.winter is the time to play with all the snow.
18.The sun will shine and shine and shine and shine
19.iI love the winter time but only whan it snows.
20.I saw a bird fly over my head towards me.
Part2
Outside the window
1.The sky is grey. It cries,
but later its happy.
What I like to eat
2.Chicken is nice, but
hang on chips are better.
A recent dream
3.It felt so real. My hands, my head,
and my feet were shaking
Annoying tasks overdue
4.Work at school and chores at
home. There is no time to
breathe.
My Body
5.I run. I sweat. I lose control.
There is no place to go.
Hi suhaib,
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's an accident that your best, your most poetic lines are those which are in iambic pentameter.
You seem to get into the rhythm in lines 3--6. Line 7
"I shivered when i thought i heard a thief"
is especially strong. You cleverly link "thought" and "thief" with the initial "TH" sound. The rhythm helps indicate a thumping fear, while the softer sounds make it clear that the fear is in the past. Great stuff.
From these lines it's clear that you are able to write in iambic pentameter, and that you have poetic talent.
I think you just need to focus on the rhythm and force yourself to stay in that rhythm, that beat.
Go back to Line 1.
"I don't know where to go so lets have a look."
On its own this is an excellent opening line. I usually start short and long pieces without a clear idea of where I'm going to end up. One word often leads to another and takes the writer to places they didn't know they'd find. This exploration of the unknown is one of the pleasures of writing. Rhythm, whether it's iambic pentameter, one of the other rhythms you will study, or even an internal rhythm all your own is one of the tools which help drive that exploration.
So.
Look again at Mr. Savage's introduction to this task.
Write down that first line and scan it, mark the syllables and stresses. It may seem hard work at first, but as when you got rolling in lines 3-6 it gets easier with practice. Like football training. You have to master certain skills to be able to play well.
I hope you can put this effort in because your work is intelligent and original.
"I run. I sweat. I lose control.
There is no place to go."
Is a great couplet. Sound, meaning and rhythm (though one foot short for this exercise)
all mesh into a powerful and poetic message about how exhaustion can affect the mind.
I'm pretty confident you have the ability to write consistently in iambic pentameter, but I'll be checking the blog so let me know if these comments haven't helped.
pax
Heya, Suhaib. Just want to start saying you’ve really appeared to through yourself into this task, which has sometimes paid off, although I understand that iambic pentameter is hard to grasp. I find it difficult myself,
ReplyDeleteSometimes you grasp the iambic pentameter, although sometimes it’s not pentameter, but is still iamb. There are some very insightful lines. I like number 15, it’s an interesting message, and I would be interested to see where you would take the poem further, although it’s not pentameter, and also, “I” tends to be stressed at the beginning of a line. Some interesting lines, I liked number 9, with the powers, interested to know what powers these are. Did you mean “now” in number 6? Maybe… I like number 2, although again not iambic pentameter, although you have the iamb of tambourine perfectly.
I really like your couplets, although none are iambic pentameter, they are very good. I love “my body” couplet, it has brilliant caesura, although not technically enjambment. “annoying tasks overdue” is a good example of enjambment, and it gives an interesting insight into your life. And I like the personification in “outside the window”. You seem to have very artistic language, and can almost “paint” with your words, this is a skill. You should enjoy breaking the rules of poetry, when you’ve mastered them
Kat
Part One
ReplyDeleteSorry for the lateness of my comment, I have only just found your work! There is some nice language in this first task, I especially like lines 8, 11 and 15.
First off, I would double check your syllable count and spelling, just simple things that will improve your work with minimal effort. Then you can concentrate on your meter. You show that you can use iambic pentameter in lines such as lines 3, 5, 15 etc. However, sometimes your meter gets a little confused. For example, in line 16, the length of the word powerful means it requires 2 stresses, leaving ‘strength’ as an unstressed word. It is always tricky to use longer words in iambic meter. As this line is one syllable short anyway, maybe you could try adding in shorter words or playing around with their order to adapt it to iambic pentameter. I think practise is the key here, as it isn’t easy to grasp iambic pentameter straight away.
Part Two
I like this section best, I think that your poetic side emerges when you are given less constraints and are allowed to create more fluid sentences. I think that most of your lines start off in iambic meter, yet sometimes loose their way. This can be easily rectified by changing order or by simple omission of words. For example, in a recent dream, the word ‘and’ throws your iambic meter off track, you could rectify this by changing it to “my hands, my head, my feet all shook”.
I think ‘annoying tasks overdue’ and ‘my body’ fit iambic very well, they flow in a very regular rhythm. This echoes the content of the lines as well, giving the impression of mundane work or monotony.
Overall I think you are quite creative in an uncontrolled way which is good. However it is always worth learning the rules of poetry before playing by your own. Good luck with future assignments.