Waiting For Something
(Carter starts walking along the side walk with Alex, now getting agitated)
Carter: Can we just go now?
Alex: No! We have to wait just a little bit longer.
Carter: (fussing) But we've been waiting for hours, it's no use I'm telling you!
Alex: (getting angry now) You know what you've been moaning the whole time, I just can't take it anymore. [Pause]
Carter: (stuttering) Well, I should never have some with you!
(silence surrounds the whole street, and then both Alex and Carter look at each other)
Alex: (with a sigh) Look I'm sorry, it's just nothing's shown up and I'm really tired.
Carter: (looking down at her bitten nails) Then why don't we just go home?
Alex: I know you want to go, and I know you're tired too, but we I mean I need to do this, and I need your support, because you're my sister. [pause]
Carter: (with a smile on her face) Come here.
(They hug whilst cars clutter around)
Alex: So you going to stay with me?
Carter: (Rolls her eyes and smiles) Always.
Alex: Thanks.
(They get up and walk around the street)
Carter: Well.. this does pass the time.
Alex: Yes, I.. I agree.
(A black Astin Martin sped right through, and dropped a package)
Carter: (looking suspiciously ) Hey! What's that!
Alex: (getting near carter) I.. I would leave it if I were you.
Carter: why?
Alex: You know what.. just let me look, ok.
(Alex gets near the package, clearly enough is written J.LP for AP- which stands for Alex Parkinson)
Carter:
(crowds near Alex suspiciously) Alex.. Alex what's the matter?
(silence)
Alex: (stumbles for words) I.. erm I think it's for me?
Carter: Here let me look. [pause]
Alex: (anxiously waiting) Well?
Carter: It does have your initials, but it might be for some one else?
Alex: (Getting excited) well lets open it, just to check right? I mean it won't do any harm.
Carter: (sighs for a second) Ok but be very prudent.
Alex: ('being very careful') Hold on nothing is in there.
Carter: (puzzled) Wait, are you sure there must be something, surely something?
Alex: (shaking her head in disappointment) Nope, nothing.
Carter: (sits back down on the edge) well, if this is what we were waiting for I got to tell you it was kind of a waste of time.
Alex: (putting her head down in shame) Yeah, your probably right- but?
Carter: (shaking her head in terror) Please no, we've had enough of your crazy ideas!
Alex: (Looking shocked) At least I came up with something!
(silence)
Carter: (looking down at her tummy) I'm hungry. [pause]
(Alex stared at her)
Alex: How could you think of food in a time like this?
Carter: In a time like what?
Alex: You know what? Just for-get- IT. [Pause]
Carter: (In a quiet voice) You know if you hadn't been shouting all this time maybe we might have found something instead of arguing.
Alex: (agreeing) I think I found some spare change in my purse maybe we should just forget the whole day, and finally eat.
Carter: (getting red) You mean to tell me... never mind.
(They walk slowly, with the package in their hands near a fish and chips shop)
Carter: This is so tiring, when is this road going to end?
Alex: (breathing heavily) Just a, just a few more blocks now.
(Just as Carter was going to warn Alex from a crack on the floor, CRASH!)
Carter: Yeah, I..I did try to tell you (giggle)
Alex: (nodding) laugh all you want. (But she started to giggle too)
(And they both walked into the mist of Carlisle Street, not really knowing what they would find.)
Sorry I posted Late, but I did discuss it with Mr.savage so don't worry.
ReplyDeleteYou’ve clearly put time into polishing this piece. The spelling’s all good, apart from one your/you’re mix up (see if you can spot where) and the typo of ‘some’ for ‘come’. Your grammar is generally good, but one thing that would make the piece more readable on this technical level is punctuation. To get your work up to that next level, you really need to be more confident with the rules on commas and semi-colons. Mr. S. has probably got some great suggestions on websites or books you can go to for help with this. In the meantime, however, try getting someone else to read your work aloud, and see where the pauses naturally fall. Doing this would help make
ReplyDeleteCarter: (sighs for a second) Ok but be very prudent.
Alex: ('being very careful') Hold on nothing is in there.
become
Carter: (sighs for a second) Ok, but be very prudent.
Alex: ('being very careful') Hold on, nothing is in there.
Also, you don’t need to use quite so many stage directions, as very often your dialogue is strong enough to SHOW an actor the emotion your stage directions TELL them to create. For example, ‘You know what you've been moaning the whole time, I just can't take it anymore!’ is clearly an angry outburst, so putting ‘(getting angry now)’ isn’t necessary.
The bickering, exasperated tone of the piece is nicely achieved, and fits the characters (two sisters) and scenario (who’ve spent a long, slightly pointless day together). The dialogue’s often naturalistic, but occasionally leans towards cliché or clunky, such as: ‘But we've been waiting for hours, it's no use I'm telling you!’ A rephrasing as minor as ‘But we’ve been waiting for hours! I’m telling you, it’s no use’ would improve this. Listen carefully to how real people talk. Remember their conversations, their intonations, their outbursts, and use it in your own work.
Mr. S. asked for tension in the piece. You have a seemingly tense situation – two characters on a near stake-out, waiting for something to happen – but the lack of clarity (what are they waiting for? Why’s it so important? What’s happened?!) kills any potential suspense. At least some of these questions must be answered for the viewer to stay interested.
The central conflict, I felt, was between the two sisters. In this well-observed relationship, the roles of “yes” and “no” character keep switching between Alex and Carter, making the relationship playful, realistic, and engaging. The piece could be strengthened even further by making it clear from the start that they are sisters, and by glossing further their characters’ inherent conflict. This can even take a more prominent role than the “red herring” of whatever Alex is waiting for.
Hi Smart Flame,
ReplyDeleteTo start, this is a really good piece, with lots of tension and mystery that makes the reader/audience intrigued. The two characters are obviously good friends, although if placing them as siblings, I would have said brother and sister. Although that may just be because my brother is called Alex.
I think you have managed to create a very colloquial, almost relaxed language. It sounds like two people talking, not forced where it shouldn’t be and running smoothly. However occasionally I feel you need to put in a comma or full stop, a pause in speech that would occur naturally. I find when writing script the best way to do this is to act it out with someone. After all script is meant to be heard and watched, not read.
I also feel adding more lengthy pauses would help highlight the tension in the piece. Also, silence can sometimes be relaxing, showing a person’s ease with another person. Maybe experimenting with this may open up new possibilities. I feel that you often use stage directions that aren’t needed. The language you’ve used is strong enough to stand on its own, without you telling us the emotions the character is feeling.
I love the moaning of Carter. Although the language suggests little sister, Alex’s need for her to stay suggests older sibling. I love the ambiguity. It adds something to the piece for the audience to interpret. Starting with a squabble really pushes the audience into the scene and into the relationship between the characters.
This is great, can’t wait to read more!
Kat
Thank You for your comments I will take them all into account
ReplyDeleteHi Smart Flame - sorry this comment is late. I have just started a new full-time job so I've been quite busy this week.
ReplyDeleteLooks like you've already received some great feedback. Most of the things I was going to pick out have already been covered - I can only add emphasis to them.
I very much agree with Sarah's point about tension. I can see that you have tried especially hard to create tension - something I think you often do in your work. Tension is necessary in story-telling as it gives the reader (or audience) a reason to continue with the piece. However, don't forget that word, too: REASON. There needs to be REASON behind your tension. Otherwise it loses effectiveness. I personally found myself quite confused about the situation the characters were in. What were they waiting for? Why was the box empty? Whay happened to the gathering crowd? Who dropped the box? Too many unanswered questions that confuse the reader turn potential tension into aggitation. Be cafeful about that in the future, as I think it is something I've seen in your work before.
I also thought that you didn't need quite so many stage directions. As the other mods have said, often the dialogue itself suggests action or tone, so it doesn't need to be specified in the stage actions. Don't worry too much about this - it is quite a hard thing to master. I most certainly am not a script writer, so I think you've done really well creating this script overall.
Another thing with stage direction, which is important to remember, is that the directions are for the actors, and the audience won't get to read them. So when you write 'AP- which stands for Alex Parkinson', the audience will still be in the dark about this piece of information. This is when you have to use dialogue to make your point, which you did: 'It does have your initials'. So well done for making it clear through the dialogue, but remember that the stage direction stating the same thing becomes redundent.
As I said before, I think writing good script is very tricky indeed, so I think you've done well here. You definitely captured the bickering (yet ultimately supportive) relationship between your characters really well through the dialogue - I feel this is the strongest part of your script. Good job. Just keep in mind the points about tension and stage direction and you'll have something really strong and tight next time.