Jamie sits on a bedroom floor, playing with his teddy bear. A man sits next to him with a video camera in hand.
Jamie: Are we making this for Mummy?
Man: Yes, we are making this for Mummy.
Jamie: Will she like the video?
Man: I’m sure that she will, Jamie. (Smiles)
Jamie: What do I say?
Man: You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. (Looks at him) I’m sure that she’ll be happy just to see you again. (He smiles) In fact, if you don’t say anything at all, I’ll give you a big handful of Smarties. You like the red ones, don’t you?
Jamie: Yep. (He nods enthusiastically)
(The man switches his video camera on and off, testing it. Jamie watches him curiously)
Man: Do you want to try? (He offers the video camera to him)
Jamie: No, I’m cool.
Man: Would teddy like to try?
Jamie: His name is Milo.
Man: Would Milo like to play with the camera?
Jamie: No, (He forces Milo’s head to shake from side to side) Milo’s scared that he’ll break it.
Man: (Places his arm around Jamie) He won’t break it, Jamie, I’m sure. (Pause) Are you hot?
Jamie: A bit.
Man: Would you like me to hold onto Milo whilst you take your t-shirt off?
Jamie: Yes please. Make sure he doesn’t get on the floor. He doesn’t like to get dirty.
Man: Of course I won’t, Jamie. (He takes Milo)
Jamie: (He removes his t-shirt and takes Milo back) Is it hot where mummy is?
Man: (Pause) My guess is that it’s quite a cold place; mummy wouldn’t want her wings to get burnt.
(Silence)
Jamie: Can we start filming now?
Man: Where’s the rush, kiddo? (He nudges him)
Jamie: Mummy used the get really impatient, and I’m sure that she hasn’t changed. (Pauses) When she used to get really bad, she’d throw things around the living room and scream about how people don't change, even if they say they have. (Pauses) Me and Milo just sat in the kitchen crying, waiting for her to stop.
(The man fiddles with the buttons on his camera, switching it on and off again)
Man: People don’t change, Jamie.
Jamie: You’ve changed.
Man: I have?
Jamie: Yes. You used to scare me because you used to watch me all of the time in PE. I thought you (Giggles) liked me, or something.
Man: (Laughs)
Jamie: I-
Man: You are very good at football, Jamie. That’s why I chose you for the team.
Jamie: But, I can’t kick a football to save my life.
Man: That’s not true. (Gets up and walks to a camera stand by the bed. He stands there for a few moments) You ready then?
Jamie: (He gets up) Do I have to take my trousers off this time?
Man: It would be helpful. (He gestures towards the bed)
Jamie: What about Milo?
Man: Give him here.
Jamie: (Throws Milo) Shall I sit on the bed?
Man: Just make sure you’re facing the camera. (He smiles)
Jamie: We are making this for Mummy, right?
Man: Of course we are, Jamie. And do you know what? I think that Mummy will be very proud.
(He turns the video camera on)
This is a bravura piece of script writing. Writing about subjects as controversial as paedophilia is extremely difficult for any author, especially for one as young as you are, but this is a mature attempt that avoids sensationalism.
ReplyDeleteI particularly that there is no outburst of emotion from either character, as this helps the piece avoid melodrama and makes the scene almost painfully tense. I think your choice to avoid the obvious yes-no conflict – the man forcing the boy to do something he doesn’t want to – is a good one. An exchange such as:
Jamie: (He gets up) Do I have to take my trousers off this time?
Man: It would be helpful. (He gestures towards the bed)
is extremely chilling, as it suggests the man has ingratiated himself into Jamie’s life and now holds vast amounts of power, and that Jamie has been deeply, irrevocably altered by the experience he’s undergoing.
Suspense and pacing are very well-handled. At first I thought that they were making a video ‘for Mummy’ may suggest some kind of kidnap scenario: the revelation of the man’s real intents in the “innocent” question of ‘Are you hot?’ was an incredibly powerful revelation. The final exchange also has a chilling dramatic impact.
You’ve got an ear for naturalistic dialogue. The only line that really jarred – and it did jar a lot – was:
Jamie: Yes. You used to scare me because you used to watch me all of the time in PE. I thought you (Giggles) liked me, or something.
If Jamie is aware enough to know what paedophilia is, and to recognise the sexual intent behind the PE teacher’s gaze, then he would certainly NOT be so comfortable with being filmed by the man. If he thought the man ‘liked’ him, how on earth would the man filming him disabuse Jamie of this notion?! It absolutely wouldn’t. So, what? Jamie’s willingly and knowingly letting himself be abused? It’s here where your lack of control over the subject matter shows.
This issue of Jamie’s awareness of the situation he’s in brings me to the major problem I had with the piece: the inconsistency of Jamie’s age. The details like the red Smarties and the teddy bear, and the ease with which he is manipulated, suggests he is a very young child. However, his awareness that he is not, as the teacher says, ‘very good at football’, and also his awareness of the teacher’s predatory nature, suggest he’s a much older character. If you’re writing about children, you have to make sure their age is consistent for issues of believability, especially with regards to an issue as sensitive as paedophilia.
In terms of technique, this is an extremely good piece of script writing. Your handling of content is also strong, but much less sure: it is only with time and experience that you’ll be able to really get a handle on these kinds of issues. A first-rate attempt, though.
Hi eternity.forever. Sorry for this late reply - I have just started a new full-time job so have been a little busy this week.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great piece of creative writing - I expect nothing less from you now!
However, this not the most original of subjects. I’ve seen a lot of writers who use pedophilia in their short stories to get that ‘shock factor’. Although, I think you’ve presented it very effectively. The quiet, compliant tone creates a deeper level of unease.
The tension in this piece is quite subtle. And it works very well. Nothing really bad actually happens – it is just set up so that we know something bad is inevitable. The whole story gradually builds in tension. The stage directions for the man to keep switching the camera on and off keep us focused on the camera, and the implications of the camera, even though he doesn’t set it up until the end.
As Sarah has said, I found the only unconvincing thing the child’s dialogue. I found it hard placing his age. I first envisioned him as a toddler (mainly because of the teddy bear and his inability to understand his mother’s death), but the football team mention threw me. I found this part the most unconvincing part of the dialogue:
“Mummy used the get really impatient, and I’m sure that she hasn’t changed. (Pauses) When she used to get really bad, she’d throw things around the living room and scream about how people don't change, even if they say they have.”
I really don’t think a young child would use the word ‘impatient’. And I don’t think he would be reflecting upon these things pretty much unprompted.
And this bit:
“You used to scare me because you used to watch me all of the time in PE. I thought you (Giggles) liked me, or something.”
Young children don’t have this sexual awareness. And I’m pretty sure that they would never assume that one of their adult supervisors would think about them in this way; as Sarah mentioned, I don’t think the child would have this awareness of paedophilia.
“I can’t kick a football to save my life.” – that’s quite an adult phrase. I would imagine that the child would only use this phrase if he was echoing it from an adult. (Something you could play with in dialogue perhaps?)
Overall, I think this is a great piece of scriptwriting. The only thing I think you have to look out for is making sure that all the dialogue fits exactly to the character.