August 15th-A mother is driving her daughter to school to pick up her GCSE results
Alison: But what if I don't get it?
Catherine: Good lord, child, stop worrying. You'll go prematurely grey.
Alison: But-
Catherine: Honey, quit it, will you? You revised your head off for those exams, you'll get great results, you and I both know it.
Alison: And if I don't?
Catherine: Ali, will you stop being such a pessimist? Relaaaaax.....
Alison: (sighs exasperatedly and slouches in her seat) Fine. Whatever.
Catherine: (shakes her head) You and all your split personalities. We're here now. Go and get those results!
Alison: Mm....but...
Catherine: Ali-go!
Alison: I'm going, I'm going...
Catherine: You'll be out with Charlotte the rest of the day right?
Alison: Yeah, I think so...
Catherine: All right, call me if you need anything. And let me know those results!
Alison: Yeah, yeah, okay. (She gets out of the car)
Catherine: Right, then. I'll see you later, honey.
Alison: Okay, mum.
Catherine: Good luck, sweetie.
Alison: Okay...thanks.
Catherine: Awww...my baby girl...(adopts a dreamy expression) I remember when you were-
Alison: O-kay, mum. You can go now.
Catherine: Hmm? Oh, yes, well, yes. Good luck! Bye, love.
Alison: Buh-bye now.
(Catherine drives off, waving. Alison wanders through the school gates.)
Charlotte: Ali!
Alison: Hey, Charlie!
Charlotte: Where you been, girl? You've taken ages!
Alison: What, 'ain't you got your results yet?
Charlotte: Was waitin' for you, honey.
Alison: Oh. Right. Sorry for taking ages, then.
(Both girls walk towards the main office)
Alison: (To the woman at the desk) Alison McKenna. And Charlotte Hayes.
Woman at the desk: (Sorts through a pile of envelopes) Here you are. Good luck (smiles)
(Back in the playground)
Alison: I'm not sure I want to open mine...
Charlotte: C'mon, I know I've done crap, yet I still wanna open mine.
Alison: You won't have done crap...
Charlotte: Don't start. All right, on three, yeah? One, Two, Three..
(They rip open the envelopes and read them)
Alison: Oh my...
Charlotte: What? What did you get? Lemme see! (Reads the letter over Alison's shoulder) Oh wow! 3 A*s! You geek! You've passed practically everything!
Alison: I got a D in Geography...
Charlotte: Yeah, but who cares 'bout Geography? Wow...you nerd!
Alison: Stop it. So, what did you get?
Charlotte: I, uh, you don't need to know. It' s a bunch of crap...
Alison: That's not true! Show me! (wrestles the paper out of Charlotte's hand)
Charlotte: Hey! Give it back!
Alison: I...uh...well...wow. (Pause) This is great, Charlie!
Charlotte: Riiiight...Science, D, Maths, E, English lit, D...amazing, right?
Alison: No, but, I mean, but-hey, you got a B in French! That's great!
Charlotte: Yeah, only 'cause my mum's French.
Alison: But still...
Charlotte: What am I gonna do with French? Move to France? I don't think so.
Alison: French teacher?
Charlotte: Moi? As a teacher? Yeah...like that'll work...
Alison: True point. But still...you did good overall...
Charlotte: You're a terrible liar, you know that?
Alison: You could always do a re-sit.
Charlotte: Nah, I think I'm done with learning.
Alison: What?
Charlotte: I'm not too bothered with it to tell you the truth.
Alison: But don't you want to go to college? Uni? Get a degree?
Charlotte: What am I gonna do with a degree? Either way, I'll probably end up stacking boxes in Asda.
Alison: But you could-
Charlotte: Listen, honey, I didn't pass my GCSEs. I don't care. C'est la vie.
Alison: But how could-wait. You what? Se lee vee?
Charlotte: C'est la vie. Its Français. For that's just life.
Alison: But that's not 'just life!' You could-
Charlotte: Ali. I. Don't. Care. Stop hounding me. Go phone your mum. Tell her 'bout them grades of yours.
Alison: But-
Charlotte: You arguin' with me, girl?
Alison: No, I'm just saying-
Charlotte: Shut it darlin'. Go phone your mum.
Alison: (Sighs, but dials her mums number on her phone) Hey, Mum?
Catherine: Ali? 's that you, love?
Alison: Yeah,
Catherine: Honey! So...tell me! I was right, wasn't I?
Alison: Yeah, I guess, yeah. I s'pose you were...
Catherine: Sweetheart! I'm so proud! What did you get? Hurry up and tell me, I'm driving, so make it quick.
Alison: 3A*s, 2As, 2Bs, a C and a D.
Catherine: Sweetie! That's brilliant! See? Didn't I tell you? I was right!
Alison: mm..
Catherine: I should go, but I'll have a surprise waiting for you when you get home, okay?
Alison: Mum, you don't-
(There is a squeal of brakes on the other end of the line)
Alison: Mum?
(There's a crash. The phone goes dead.)
Hi Crazystar,
ReplyDeleteI'm really impressed with your work this week. The dialogue between the mother/daughter and between the two girls is convincing. I like Charlotte's colloquialisms too, it helps set the scenes and seems like it could be a real situation. I half think that maybe Alison could speak differently, like act more cool when she's with Charlotte, and then more sensible with her mum; I know I don't talk to my friends like I talk to my mum. But on the other hand, I like that you've kept Alison worried about the future.
I was quite shocked at the end of the script, good work! I wasn't expecting it at all. This is a good climax, as we immediately expect the worst. Saying that, I also really enjoyed the tension between Alison and Charlotte, as Alison worries about their friendship and what will happen in the future. It's complex, and to fit it into a short space such as this is really great.
I look forward to reading your next post!
Hi crazystar,
ReplyDeleteLike Frances I too was impressed with the ending and could really visualise such a thing occuring. You handled the tension of the piece very well - both with the crash and the little nuances in Alison's relationship with her mother and Charlotte.
I wasn't entirely sure about the use of phrases like "honey" and "girl" when the characters were talking to each other but then I suppose it does give a sense of character and identity. It just rang a little false for me.
The only other comment I can offer is for you to maybe think of adding a third friend as the dialogue between Alison and Charlotte becomes a bit stale in the middle of the piece and if this were to be viewed on stage it might be more interesting to watch a third character and for you to build in some drama around that. Try it.
Otherwise a good piece
Hi Crazystar!
ReplyDeleteGreat piece as per usual – you are really very good at building up suspense and leaving us with horrible cliff hangers!
Starting with characterisation, this is something I think you are beginning to develop really well. As the others have said, the differentiation between Alison’s behaviour to wards her mother and towards her friend is very effective.
In terms of dialogue, I think you have done well with Alison’s language, but I am less convinced by Catherine and Charlotte. Personally, I find her mother slightly dismissive – would she not want to wait around to see how her daughter did? Perhaps it would be more realistic if Alison has to persuade her not to come with her? With Charlotte in mind, this might just be me being old and boring, but do people actually talk like that? I agree with Rave in that it is perhaps a little false.
Also, I wonder if the seen in the middle is necessary. What does the audience gain from it? The wonderful thing about drama is that you can literally cut from one scene to the next without all the character introductions that one might need in prose. I think the difference between the two scenes might contrast more effectively without the part in the office that you’ve used to bridge them together.
On the whole, another brilliant piece. As per usual, I can’t wait for you next contribution.
~ Avani