Streams of grief filter out of her forlorn
Eyes; piercing her sore, melancholy face.
Disintegrating her heart: cut and torn,
Whilst it weeps and bleeds her words of disgrace.
She's a captive - bruised, beaten and hated;
Silenced in her suicidal cocoon.
Her soul smuggled:now so desecrated
With depression which she is so immune,
While she yearns to love; embrace forever
That hallucination. Her conscience knows
Happiness she will never find; never.
Unless her demon-self falters and goes.
A dependence on harm, distress and pain,
Will only make a life slowly refrain...
You have mastered the basics of the sonnet, the rhyme scheme is perfect and your syllables are correct. I’m not sure your iambic meter is correct in much of this poem, many of your lines start with strong words that require a stress which immediately throws your iamb off. However, your lines do recover themselves, “whilst it weeps and bleeds her words” has the rhythm of iambic meter, however as the stress falls on the first word it leaves the last syllable unstressed which goes against iambic tradition. I would go through and mark all the stresses and perhaps change the syntax of the poem to fit more appropriately with iamb.
ReplyDeleteI really like the conflicting imagery you have created. The idea that her conscience is happy, yet she can never share in this joy, details the complexities of feelings such as guilt. You have depicted a picture that gives a reasoning behind the feelings she is experiences, it is really deep.
Again you have created a really nice poem, and have adhered to the rules set which I believe has really improved your poem. I can see you really take on board comments, so I hope these are helpful!
Now STARDUST, another unbelievable poem. It seems to me you’ve thrown yourself into Wordvoodoo and I’m really, really impressed. I can’t believe you’ve only just joined. I hope you write recreationally, you’ve got some serious talent.
ReplyDeleteI simply adore, “Whilst it weeps and bleeds her words of disgrace. / She’s a captive – bruised, beaten, hated; / Silenced in her suicidal cocoon.” It is incredibly powerful, the emotion is so strong. And the other line I just drool over is, “While she years to love; embrace forever / That hallucination. Not only is it superbly poetic, but intensely mature.
I think I said this last week, but I’ll say it again; I’m a sucker for encouraging the new, the original, and your lines and images are just that. Please continue this.
Well done on sticking to the sonnet rhyming scheme. You’ve got it down pat.
And, for the most part, you’ve mastered iambic pentameter except for, “That hallucination. Her conscience knows” which is a shame because it is such a wonderful line. But, it’s eleven syllables; one too many. Fix that up and it’s perfect meter-wise.
I realize there’s a lot of praise in this comment, but I hope you take it and challenge yourself. In writing, and poetry, everything can always be improved. So I hope that you look back at old drafts and pieces of work and improve them, it’ll improve your future writing also. Keep practicing and always keep your eyes out for that sneaky 11th syllable.
Again, if you ever have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Genevieve