I look with greed at beauty before me
I’m waiting eagerly to take my pick
Of beautiful small flowers. Little bee
Agrees with me, he buzzes for a fix.
Scents linger on my hands, with undisguised
Delight I pull and tug the ones I like
While trampling others underfoot. Surprised
To see me run so wild? To steal, to strike?
You shout, I stop, we stare at disarray,
A desolate landscape I helped create.
I mumble, my lip bitten in dismay
And hang my head; you go on to berate.
Softly I hold the flowers torn from stems.
This time so carefully like little gems.
This is a really good sonnet, Chocaholic, well done! You've put yourself as a 'beginner' but I actually think that you could be in the 'intermediate' category and you've incorporated some of the advanced requirements too; you've got some alliteration and questions. I would say that this is far from being a 'definite beginner'! Is it just a lack of confidence?
ReplyDeleteYou do have 14 lines in iambic pentametre and you've got the rhyme scheme, save for the half rhyme of 'pick' and 'fix', which is what the 'beginner' required, but you've also got caesura and enjambement, as the intermediate requires, you havne't relied on archaisms to fit in with the syllable count, and you've also got an octave/sestet split - whether you realise it or not! If you had split your sonnet into two stanzas you would have had the action of the flower picking in stanza one, and then the aftermath of said action. The octave would have ended with the two questions too, which is a really nice touch, as well as being in the advanced category.
I like that you've got emotion in there too with greed, delight, dismay, it's great.
There's some nice imagery here too, I can really visualise what you've written. My favourite fragment is 'with undisguised/Delight I pull and tug the ones I like/While trampling others underfoot.'
This is good, Chocaholic, and definitely not a beginner! Keep that confindence up :o)
Some of this is wonderful, and I especially liked the following three things:
ReplyDeleteThe long sentence which straddles Lines 5-7 – this is effortlessly iambic, whilst sacrificing no flair and exploiting a rich and fertile choice of vocabulary. I loved it.
The juxtaposition of ‘greed’ and ‘beauty’ in Line 1 serves to effect an intriguing paradox from the outset.
“He buzzes for a fix” is a fantastically original description of an everyday action; bee as drug addict – wonderful!
I also think the volta works very well, as well as your frequent alliteration and, as Frances says, your enjambement/caesura. Well done!
On the other hand, there were some elements of rhyme and rhythm which troubled me a little:
Firstly, ‘before’ (line 1) falls on the wrong stress, as does ‘landscape’ (Line 10), ‘my lip’ (Line 11) and ‘softly’ (Line 13)
I am not sure ‘berate’ can be used intransitively, which kind of makes the end rhyme in Line 12 seem a little clumsy and awkward.
Whilst I like the absence of an article before ‘disarray’ to some extent, it also seems to be somewhat expedient, with the article omitted just because there is no spare syllable for it. Perhaps you can clarify for me?
Lastly, I am left a little confused by the final couplet. It seems the rest of the sonnet explores first your somewhat unbridled, guilt-free and reckless raping of nature’s beauty, and then your shame and subsequent reprimand by the shout of the adult ‘you’ – all of which functions brilliantly. But why do these torn flowers appear like “gems”? And why, if they are “torn”, are they held “softly” and “carefully”? Is this a response to the reprimand? Have you been shamed into reversing your behaviour?
All in all, sophisticated (and rapidly improving) stuff. Well done! I hope you know how proud I am of you. :)
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSorry that this comes to you late. I really enjoyed your poem. You obviously have a good grasp of the task, despite some mistakes with the metre.
I wanted to talk, briefly, about the theme in your poem. I think the subject matter is great, and allows for a great shift in tone. In a lot of poetry, your first draft can sometimes act as shorthand for ideas you want to expand on.
I bring this up, becasue I think your reversal could benefit from describing how the flowers have grown, maybe, to contrast the sudden destruction they suffer at the narrators hands. This isn't a criticism, or something I want to impose on you, so if you disagree that's cool, but I think it would follow your own logic to try it out.
Anyway, really well done. I hope to be more prompt next time. Thanks,
Andy
Hello again Chocoholic.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit like with my critique, and it seems as if everyone else has given you some thorough advice.
I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of praise: this is a brilliant sonnet, and like Frankie, I agree that you could be in the 'intermediate' category, and also have elements of the 'advance' requirments.
In terms of the 'beginner' category, you've managed the right ammount of lines, mastered the 10 syllable count, almost mastered the iambic stresses, followed the rhyme scheme perfectly, and the format (spelling/typos...) is perfect.
There are a few places in which the stresses are perhaps a little unnatural. I see that some of the others have pointed a few of these out. The ones I noticed were:
BE-fore (naturally sounds as be-FORE)
DES-o-LATE (naturally DES-o-late)
soft-LY (naturally SOFT-ly)
I think this is the toughest thing to get perfect, and you are pretty damn close, so well done.
One thing I wanted to mention, which no one else has, is that this line is written in the passive voice:
'my lip bitten in dismay'
In writing, it is usually considered clumsy and ineffective to write in the passive voice. The lips is passive in the action being done to it: 'I bite my lip' would be in the active voice. Of course, if you were to change it you would have to make it fit in with iambic pentameter.
Like others, I also really loved the line about the bee. I thought it was very creative and original.
Overall, Chocoholic, this is a fantastic poem. Great work.