Task 32
Sorry
Accept forgiveness from me why won’t you,
I feel so empty without your warm arms
To wrap around my freezing body to
Keep me away from witches’ evil charms.
My life would be destroyed without your smile,
Still comforting me with your shining face.
I have been loving you all this long while,
Since first we worked together on this case.
My heart is fragile as your crystal cup,
The one we drank from there on our first date.
The words still blast my head, ‘PLEASE JUST SHUT UP’.
I still can taste your tasty meal I ate,
The most romantic meal it surely was.
I’m sorry for creating such a buzz.
I’m so sorry I posted it after the deadline.
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
task 32 - sorry
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Hi Neeq (or should I say Yoda?), I'm sorry to see none of your allocated mods have commented on this.
ReplyDeleteWhich category were you aiming for? I would suggest beginner at this point.
You've got the basics down, but in quite a few places I would say the iambic rhythm was a bit out of place. Read it outloud with deliberate stress on the even beats and you will start to see which words don't quite fit.
Some of your lines seem like they are the wrong way around. e.g. 'Accept forgiveness from me why won’t you' which would make more sense to me if it read 'Why won't you accept forgiveness from me?'. And 'The most romantic meal it surely was' would make more sense to me as 'It was surely the most romantic meal'. In this was, perhaps your rhyme is dictating the structure of your clauses. This is a shame. I'm sure you are competent enough to work through this, rather than round it.
'I still can taste your tasty meal I ate' - This line didn't work for me. The repetition and the awkward phrasing makes it seem almost comical.
The whole poem needs to be more unified. You seem to be working in fragments that only losely fit together.
Well done on getting the basics down, but try not to let the form dictate your poem, let it enhance it. Of course, this is easier said than done.
Hi Neeq,
ReplyDeleteI heard that you had no moderator posts yet, so thought I would help out, hope you don't mind!
I'm going to agree with Sophie and place you in the beginner category for now. You've got the syllable count and the rhyme scheme down, so well done for that, but your sonnet seems to be owned by these structures, rather than your sonnet owning them. Some of the clauses could do with a bit of tweaking, and you have repeated 'just' quite a lot throughout your sonnet, which indicates that you wanted to bulk up your syllable count without changing the last word of the line. If you're having trouble thinking of rhyming words, go onto rhymezone.co.uk, on the right of the blog. I went on it the other day when I was writing my sonnet and it's really helpful.
I like thatm you have speech in your sonnet though, this is a nice touch and expands on the narrative of the sonnet which can be difficult in only 14 lines so good job.
Keep trying hard, it does get easier!
Hello again, I apologise for my tardiness (or 'lateness' if you're not from the 1950s) which was largely due to not being able to find your poem as I always look under your name in the authors section and didn't think to look in the main blog. But in any case, I would agree wholeheartedly with my predecessors. By and large you're starting to handle iambic pentameter very professionally but there are still a fair few moments where unnatural stresses or unnatural language are still apparent. For example in the first two lines; you stress the 'from' in 'from me' when it really should be 'me' that carries the stress, while in the second line 'without' should be stressed on the second syllable rather than the first, while both 'warm' and 'arms' need to be stressed unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteIn regard to the content of your poem, again I'd agree with the other moderators that, while you certainly have some very interesting ideas, they are not really cohesive enough to become a poem, and instead resemble 14 separate lines put together in sonnet format. One hint I would give in terms of avoiding this is to experiment more with caesuras and enjambement because then the poem won't seem so formulaic. I should point out that there's nothing intrinsically wrong with a sonnet constructed out of 14 separate, diverging lines. Indeed some of the most effective poems are written in this fragmentary fashion, but I'm a firm believer that one should become fully confident with the basic building blocks of an art form before experimenting to much with its format. Therefore I would devote just a little more time to getting the hang of the sonnet format before I attempted to write in this fragmentary manner that you seem to have a lot of potential in.
Well done again,
Eoghan