Forget the love I vowed to give you. Free
It from my bloody torture since it can't
Endure much more. Why don't, why won't you see
Destruction in the poison I enchant?
Forget the frost I sprayed upon your soul;
Forget me. Bring to life the aqua blue
That held the ocean hostage. Fill the hole
I dug so deep with someone else who's true.
But please remember every tingle that
You felt the day our heartbeats tangoed; don't
Forget the innocence that came and sat
Beside us; blow away the fears that float
Upon my dying valley. Please just see
It's all I wanted; try to just agree.
Dear all,
ReplyDeleteOnce again I was aiming towards a High-Intermediate/Low Advanced level. :)
Also, thank you moderators for last week's comments; they helped me tremendously.
E. ^^
Hi there eternity.forever.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to see your mods have not commented on this.
I thought this was really good. You've got the basics down, the iambic rhythm is pretty good, and you've got a slight octave/sestet split. You've made good use of enjambment and there are some nice enternal rhymes.
Your poem is rich in wonderful, original images. I especially loved the 'aqua blue that held the ocean hostage' - that's such a strong, original image. I'm not sure about the 'tingle' of the hearts. To me, surrounded by much stronger images, it doesn't seem bold enough to express the extremity of the emotion.
I'm not sure about this image: 'blow away the fears that float Upon my dying valley'. You've got a mixture of three elements here (blow: air; float: water; valley: earth) and this confuses the image.
I feel the last couplet could be made stronger. Try to end the poem with a punch.
Other than that, I think this is great. I'm really impressed with your imagination.
Hi Eternity.Forever,
ReplyDeleteI know I'm not one of your usual moderators, but I'll my best to comment your sonnet.
Firstly, I really like it. Echoing what Sophie said, you've got some really striking images, I especially like the 'aqua blue that held the ocean hostage', it's so unusual but in a good way. I like the tangoing hearts too, it's such an intense, sometimes angry looking dance that it adds a lot fo depth to the description of the relationship, which is great.
I like how you've made the narrator of the sonnet 'the bad guy', it's refreshing to see and adds an interesting twist - good work.
You said that you aimed for high inter/low advanced, and I think you've acheived this. Whilst there isn't much of an octave/sestet split, this can be something to work on, I like that you've asked a question and have used a semi colon. If you were interested in taking your sonnet to the next level, then you could play around with alliteration and internal rhymes - you've got one with "won't" and "don't". I don't think you'd need to change anything major, just a few tweaks here and there, I think that this is really good work.
Hope you don't mind me commenting! Frances
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI can only appologise for not getting comments to you sooner - I'm glad you've had some worthwhile feedback already though.
Your enjambement is fantastic. I though the way that you got ' Free
It from my bloody torture since it can't' and the line that follows, to flow into each other is beautiful. It marks your piece at the level you intended it to be. Really well done.
This:
'fill the hole
I dug so deep with someone else who's true'
Is such a sad image, and there's a lot going on in it. It's great, and you should be really proud.
I know that Sophie mentioned your 'dying valley' line. I agree that there's something confused in there, but it does make sense if you stress that the fears are clouds above the valley (probably storm clouds, I'd guess). I think it could be beautiful if you kept it, but amended it's ambiguity.
Sorry again for my late comments. I hope to be better next time, and I really look forward to your work,
Andy
I love your rhyme – both hard and soft – and your caesura and enjambement are, in my view, pretty faultless, although I am uncomfortable with “that” as an end syllable in Line 9.
ReplyDeleteA quick pedantic point (you know what I’m like!): your final phrase has something which is called a ‘split infinitive’. An infinitive is the purest form of a verb: e.g. to run, to laugh, to pick holes in someone’s poetry etc. Formally/grammatically, an infinitive should not be split, and if you need an adverb (which is the function “just” serves”) it should go either before “to” or after “agree”. Now many of the other moderators may regard me as annoying, old fashioned or just plain wrong, but it’s just one of my bugbears (and Mrs Jeffery’s too, actually), so I thought you were bright enough to take it on board. It is far too small a point to warrant such a long comment, however, so please, please forgive me! :) But, split infinitive aside, I think your final phrase was the only thing that disappointed me in the entire poem…
Your iambic pentameter is just perfect, and I am in awe of how someone your age can master that so completely. It is nothing short of brilliant. Seriously.
But let me make a few more, smaller points about one or two phrases?
“bloody torture” doesn’t exactly reek of cliché, but there is the faint whiff. :)
Can you “enchant” “poison”. I am unclear if “enchant” can be used transitively in that way. If, indeed, it can, then the juxtaposition is brilliant; if not, then perhaps you need to rethink it a little? I think I would really welcome Sophie’s, Frances’ or Andy’s perspective on that one, and will email them that question for this reason…
Who’s the “someone else who’s true”? I got a bit confused there…
There are simply amazing bits throughout this poem:
“Bring to life the aqua blue
That held the ocean hostage”
“But please remember every tingle that
You felt the day our heartbeats tangoed”
“…blow away the fears that float
Upon my dying valley”
There is no word of sarcasm or lie when I say I think we should be getting you entering some serious poetry competitions asap. Seriously. :)
Re: 'poison I enchant'
ReplyDeleteI took this as though someone had cast a spell to poison someone. But I agree, it doesn't quite work grammatically. Technically, it would mean the poison is the subject of enchantment; the poison would be enchanted/infatuated/bewitched/delighted by the subject of the poem.
It works through assuming the meaning, but technically it is incorrect.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteJust to throw my confusion in - I took it to mean that the poison was the subject of enchantment too, but I thought it still worked. If you take 'enchant' to mean casting a spell on something, as I believe it can, then the poison could have a spell cast on. The spell becomes part of the cocktail. If it was a phrasal verb - so: 'the poison I cast spells on' - it makes sense, so I want enchant to work too. Also 'poison' is an uncountable noun, so this can work as an ongoing thing, making 'enchant' okay in favour of 'have enchanted' or something similar.
That's how my brain justified it, anyway, and I do love the line, eternity.forever - so if you can find a way of keeping it that would be ace.
Take care,
Andy
Dear all,
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you all. Your comments have been SO helpful that it's taken me a while just to read through them all.
I think I'll be here for a while if I try to respond to individual comments, but I promise that I have read through every one and taken in as much in as I can.
'Poison I enchant' didn't really seem so technical to me, but I've read through all the arguements and I thank you all for showing me what it did/didn't do right for my poem. :)
Enough of me, I'll start to sound boring.
E ^^