You left me alone. No explanation.
My heart begging for you to turn around.
I watched you and the train leave the station.
Then I knew you were gone. I could have drowned
In all the tears that my eyes shed. You left
Me all alone. With no one to hold me.
In leaving me there, you committed theft.
You stole away all comfort you gave me.
All happiness that we had shared. All time
We had given was gone in a moment.
It left with you. Left on that railway line.
I thought what we had was like hard cement.
Stuck together forever. But then you
Left, and now I know your love was untrue.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteWell done I like that you've mixed some modern images into your sonnet - such as 'like hard cement.' It's cool to see new-fashioned aspects to an old form.
Your first line:
You left me alone. No explanation
Is a great example of the metre - you get a good pollysyllabic word in there, and a break. Well done.
The following line:
My heart begging for you to turn around.
Loses the metre of begGING - it's unnatural. You do have the correct number of syllables, but the stress is wrong.
I hope those can both serve as examples to apply to the rest of your piece - it does need a re-read.
Also, as a quick point - I'm not sure about finishing the line on the pronoun 'you' - second from the end. It ryhmes, but it's a strange break. And 'moment' and 'cement' bends your mouth a bit to get the ryhme to work.
I like the linking of 'theft' and 'left' - it's good that they're connected by the ryhme as they are related to each other - a cool technique.
Thanks. Take care,
Andy