I sense the beasts inside of me. Displayed
Through bitter, blatant, bruising jeers and taunts
I feel their twisted hearts deny my craved
Emotions. Now enraged I try to flaunt.
I find myself subdued through vile blows,
They know not what they do! Yet through their front
Of pride, pizzazz and pain. The truth does show.
I conjure cupid from my soul, the brunt
Received? Beyond repair, the grin returns
Inhabiting a swollen face, I laugh!
Through this façade of ever scolding burns
A bloody soul emerges on a path.
Determined more than ever, crying love!
Accept and delve in happiness thereof!
Oh and by the way,
ReplyDeleteI didn't really weant to assign myself to a category (Pugnax has helped me fight cliche!) since if I chose Expert it would be a tiny bit sketchy, whereas if I chose intermediate I would have been bored of the same old thing so I just relxed the rules on this sonnet a bit, see where it took me.
So for difficulty I'd say intermediate with touches of expert in there too.
Carlsberger.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteYou haven’t labelled it as such, but, you know - this is clearly an ‘advanced’ sonnet. You’ve consolidated the many skills you have already shown you possess. Formally, this is almost perfect – I’d only pick out the beginning of line four (E-mo-TIONS) as a clear place where the stress pattern isn’t iambic. I’ve also got a couple of quibbles with your punctuation; line seven does not need that full stop, and for line five to flow it should end with something other than a comma – most likely a semi-colon. I also find the grammar of ‘I conjure cupid from my soul, the brunt / Received?’ a bit clunky – it feels like your chopping out words so it fits with the sonnet form, and not for any kind of poetic meaning. I know this is a bit picky, but your at such a high level of skill that pickiness is now required!
As you’ve “got” the form so completely – what Mr. S seemed to want you to gain from this task – I’m going to look at your content; the lexis, the imagery, the meaning of ‘Foes and Fantasies’.
Turning to the bullet points for the advanced sonneteer; Mr. S asked for ‘deliberate and effective alliteration’. I think line two achieves this well; the repeated harsh ‘b’ sound reflects the metaphorical beasts’ behaviour; that the ‘b’ is emphasised by the iambic pentameter heightens this effect. Good job! However, I think line seven is less effective. Alliteration can be a great poetic tool – and it can verge on being a little cheesy. I think it’s your choice of words (the strong and serious ‘pride’ and ‘pain’ coupled with the lighter, more flippant ‘pizzazz’) that makes this bit of alliteration lean towards being the latter.
I think the first line of the sonnet is slightly weak. The body of the poem deals with the “beasts” as real, physical being – the reader feels their ‘vile blows’, their ‘bruising jeers’. But to begin your sonnet with ‘I SENSE the beasts INSIDE of me’ undermines this physicality. I think the reader will get that the beasts are metaphorical – most of your readership, after all, will be familiar with the basics of psychoanalytical theory; the unconscious, etc. – without you needing to flag this up. It might make for a stronger start if you go straight into the physical. A great piece of advice I’ve had from of my poetry tutors is that poems should (paraphrasing, here!) “jump in strongly, step off lightly”.
There’s some nice turns of phrase here; I like ‘craved / Emotions’ (‘craved’ is such a desperate, slightly negative, word) and ‘swollen face’ (‘swollen’ really SHOWS tears, for me; bitter, disfiguring tears). However, ‘ever-scolding burns’ doesn’t work; a scold and a burn being two quite different things.
My main issue with your poetic content, though, is the lack of consistency in your language; particularly, the literary heritages that you draw upon for your language. You shift from the Biblical (‘They know not what they do!’ – a parallel between the narrator and Jesus!?), to the mythological (‘cupid’), to the medieval (the ‘bloody soul emerg[ing] on a path’ says this to me; although I might still have your response to Task 30 on the brain!) For me, this mix is a bit inconsistent and a bit jarring – it lacks focus. Why are you drawing on this mix of sources? What meaning do they build into your sonnet? Mr. S also warned about archaisms, and I think your work does tend towards them; in specific lexis, such as ‘thereof’, and in your choice of imagery. Can I ask why you choose to write in this way? There’s nothing wrong with it per se – and not if it’s for a good reason! I’m interested as to why you use quite traditional images in your poetry, why you use quite formal, even archaic language – interested, not critical!
You’re clearly a very adept poet, as shown by your wonderful grasp of technique, and your mature, considered responses to the moderators’ comments. This is why my comment is more of an in depth, critical dialogue with your sonnet – and I hope this kind of response is helpful for you!
Hey Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI was sorta hoping by saying 'I didn't really weant to assign myself to a category' that I would have an easy time when it came to moderating. Well, that excuse failed. So right now I'm left feeling somewhat happy? to be labelled under the 'expert' category, only to be somewhat 'destroyed' by the high standard of analysation that comes with such a label. Just to say really I said I didn't assign myself a category because I didnt want to fail spectacularly, although I didn't want it that easy that I'd fall asleep inside.
Now getting to the actual point, I can see what you were saying about grouping different themes on the page, I just imagined that as my head exploding onto the page (not that I think in archaic language describing mythical beasts with biblical references!).
I'm not saying this in a disheartened tone, but I'm gonna try and really focus on these next few tasks, it's frustraiting I come so close yet recieve no cigar at the end :).
P.S. That wasn't meant in a 'cut me some slack tone either' (so DON'T hesitate) hehe.
Anways thanks for the comment Sarah, it's meant alot as you've probably guessed 8D.
Carlsberger.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteAnother fine sonnet. It's at once a more concrete and more vague depiction of internal struggle than last week.
The "I" seems more concrete, emerges more wholly here. "a swollen face", "I laugh!"; and, very dramatically: "A bloody soul emerges on a path." The path could be metaphorical, but I find it heartening as a reader to visualise an actual path.
"I" emerges from its struggle with the beasts "Determined more than ever, crying love!/Accept and delve in happiness thereof!"
Affirming and quite moving. There is no final victory, of course. The recovering "grin" is "Beyond repair" and the "laugh" is filtered through "a facade of ever-scolding burns." For me this makes the affirmation at the end more poignant and realistic. It reminds me of Browning's "Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came."
Two caveats here:
1)Be judicious with exclamation points. They work alright in the "cry" of the couplet, less well with "laugh." I'm a bit of a curmudgeon, others may like!!!! One of my all-time favourites Hopkins' "The Windhover" has brilliant "!"'s. Maybe look at that poem if you haven't.
2)Good luck in trying to recue the word "soul." So many crummy poets have ruined that word. Brave attempt. Maybe part of this archaic thing you've got going on?
Ok, I'm working backwards. The vagueness. The (3?) "beasts" are excellently linked with alliteration and metre. So,
"bitter" and "pride": intellectual envy, retraint (superego?)
"blatant" and "pizzaz": shallow egotism?
"bruising" "pain": ok, physical harm?
The (3?) "craved emotions" seemed defined in the couplet: love, acceptance, happiness. As a reader I want some clearer definition of those beasts. Not necessarily naming them (envy, pride, whatever) but more material (images, more concrete links, maybe a more concrete or provocative title) then I seem to be able to find.
"They know not what they do!" is so loaded, i.e. powerful and identifiable to most audiences that unless "I" is Christ (and you do have this 3 thing going on, so maybe...) again be a bit careful.
Thanks Carlsberger, lots for me to think about. Check out Hopkins if you haven't. Think you'd like him.
pax
already.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI'll keep this brief! This is an ambitious poem, and I agree with Sarah that, formally, it is nearly perfect, which is a great achievement.
I'd agree with her, too, that some of the language is a little twisted syntactically: "Now enraged I try to flaunt" is slightly off-kilter. Perhaps it's because I'm focusing on the missing comma after "enraged", but it just doesn't sound like something someone would actually say, even if they were employing archaic language and imagery; I think that even if the register of poetry is heightened, it must still sound like normally-arranged speech.
Very well done though, and just bear in mind syntax when you're writing your next poem - especially if it's an "archaic" one!
Take care,
Penny
Firstly, I think this is one of the first sonnets I have read on wordvoodoo where the iambic pentameter appears to be perfect. That is a phenomenal achievement! And you’ve got the rhyme sorted – both soft and hard – and there’s enjambement and caesura galore too, not to mention loads of alliteration, and some internal rhyme too. Pretty much all the criteria I set for an advanced sonnet, even if you don’t quite manage a volta between octave and sestet.
ReplyDeleteThere are only four points with which I will take issue:
1. Line 4: “flaunt” seems to me to be a TRANSITIVE verb; in other words, you need to flaunt SOMETHING (i.e. it needs an object).
2. Line 5: whilst you’ve assumed “vile” has two syllables (and I can see how it sounds like that), but I would still argue it is a monosyllabic word.
3. Line 9: I’m confused by the question mark, and what function it fulfils syntactically.
4. Line 14: “thereof”, whilst it rhymes, doesn’t really make grammatical sense. The word means “of it”, and therefore, in effect, you are saying: “Accept and delve in happiness of it”, which doesn’t really make sense. “Therefrom” would work better, but then you lose your rhyme: annoying, isn’t it!
If I had been able to write poetry anything like as good as this at your age, I would have been proud of myself beyond belief. Seriously. Well done.
Thanks penny/sir.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I havent replied recently, I've just had a G.C.S.E examination and I was sorta 'losing the will to live' after all the revising. I've really only had time to catch up with the world now.
I can see both of you highlight line 4, which I take full blame for. It was one of those lines that played a part in the octave/seset split and it didn't work 8S (thus making the octave/seset split less effective).
Anyway thanks for the tips guys, I guess perfection is what I'm aiming for in the final task 8S.
Carlsberger.