She had small plaits amongst her golden curls
Her crown was studded with tiny flowers,
The smoky fairy ran around in swirls
Starting to use her magical powers.
Her golden hair and long skinny arms
Her magical eyes were moonbeam and white,
The jewels in her hair were like sparkly charms
Butterfly bobbles and diamond clips bright!
She drifted away into peaceful sleep
The sprinkle dust was spread on her small bed,
She dreamt of a friend that was hers to keep
And on valentines day her dress was red!
She wished that her friends would keep her held tight
She wished that angels would keep her in sight!
If you think I have been marked in the wrong category please say so.
ReplyDeletebecause Im not really sure what category I would be in so I thought I should give advanced a shot.
I love the subject, am a very big fan of faeries myself! You have the basics completely right (apart from one small slip up of syllables in line 5). Well done! So you are definitely not a beginner! Also, you have made a definite effort to separate the octave from the second half of your sonnet.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes your phrasing is a little odd, maybe you could rethink a couple of your adjectives. For example “the smoky fairy”, and “magical eyes were moonbeam”. I like alternative uses of adjectives, however I’m not too sure that they work in these instances. You have made definite use of alliteration, with “butterfly bobbles” and “sprinkle dust was spread on her small bed”, and your internal rhyme and half-rhyme is impressive.
A couple of points about your iambic meter, in the second line the stress falls on the second syllable of “tiny”, again in the fourth line in “starting”, and again on the fifth line in skinny. In butterfly, the stress falls on the middle syllable, which again feels awkward. I would just go through and highlight where each of the stresses falls, just to double check.
I can see a real improvement in your work, and have a genuine interest to see how you will progress further. I like that you have made such an effort to include everything in the advanced section. Although I’m not sure you are entirely there yet, I would still encourage you to try the harder challenges as you seem to cope with them quite well, with some practice I think you will sit comfortably in the advanced bracket.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSorry for the somewhat delayed comment – I think I only saw ‘Xx ClOuD xX’ and missed the angeleyez tag. Apologies!
I’ll keep this brief(-ish) as Gina’s already made some great comments. I would echo her in saying that you’re really improving as a writer – even over three tasks, I can see the difference in your work! I’m also really glad you pushed yourself to work at the advanced level. I don’t think you’re quite there yet, but I’m really glad you’re so keen to advance :)
I, too, picked out the basic error of line five being a syllable short – this is a slip up that you should have caught yourself, I think. Your grip on iambic pentameter is improving, but Gina has mentioned a few spots when the stresses are wrong. I’d once again say: the best way to overcome this is to read your work aloud, slowly, overly stressing the iambic to see if it fits.
Okay: basics over. To get this up to advanced (which I’m delighted to see is something you want to do!) I think you need to experiment further with syntax, particularly enjambment and caesura. There’s no caesura in this poem; I think it’s a really useful weapon to add to your writing arsenal. There’s no point using it JUST to show you’re using caesura, but it can be a really effective tool. Quite a few of your lines begin with ‘she’, ‘her’ and ‘the’ – this does verge on repetitive, so try shaking things up a bit. In this case you could argue that the strict du-DUM du-DUM rhythm serves the lullaby/fairy story genre of the poem – so with a bit of fiddling it could work poetically, if not to Mr. S’s criteria!
In terms of imagery; I actually really like ‘smoky fairy’. It makes the fairy not seem all sparkly and U-rated, but a bit darker, a bit more mysterious – like the fairies in ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’. I like ‘ran around in swirls’, too – an interesting and kinetic bit of phrasing. In general, I like how much you’ve rooted this in the concrete – the reader can really start to visualise this fairy. However, I think you could push this a bit further. Remember “show, don’ tell”? SHOW the reader the fairy’s ‘magical eyes’ (magical is an abstract), her ‘peaceful sleep’ (the same) You’re already starting to do this, with mentions of moonbeams and drifting, but I think you could push it even further.
Hope that’s all okay! Again, really pleased to see you’re advancing so quickly, and are so keen to advance further.
Hello again; first-up I should say that fairies are a subject that you deal handle effortlessly, as they fit your style very well. Consequently this poem is ethereal, somewhat hallucinogenic, evocative, mystical, and enigmatic. It embodies both the childlike innocence associated with fairies, and the sense of danger associated with the unknown.
ReplyDeleteWhile you have certainly mastered the sonnet form and produced a self-contained 14 line poem in which each line has been used to its full potential, there are a few iambic issues that need resolving.
First of all, both "tiny" and "flowers" in line 2 are stressed on the final syllable when they should be stressed on the first syllable. This is the same for "starting" and "powers" in line 4. Line 5 has "skinny" stressed in the wrong place, as well as being a syllable short; one idea for rectifying this could be, "Her golden hair and skinny arms, so long" (it's somewhat archaic and cliched but it's a start).
These are issues which could be resolved easily, but what would really bump your work up into the advanced category would be challenging yourself to experiment more with caesuras and enjambement, although, as Gina pointed out, your use of alliteration and internal rhyme are absolutely excellent and very much go towards giving the poem its illusory and dreamlike ambiance, especially lines like, "Her magical eyes were moonbeam and white".
Well done,
Eoghan 'spellcheck hates my name' Lavery
Hey,
ReplyDeleteA lovely, evocative poem - imagery is one of your talents! I'm going to highlight some problems with the metre - in general, it's nearly there, but you just need to tweak some lines.
Line 1: perfect.
2: "Her CROWN was STUDded with TIny FLOWERS" - "studded" doesn't quite work. I'd suggest "Her crown was set around with tiny flowers" - it fits the metre better, and has an archaic sound! Lovely image, by the way.
3: great.
4: "STARTing to USE her MAG-i-cal POWERS" - not quite there. How about "The smoky fairy ran around in swirls; / Began to use her secret magic powers"? You can do better than my suggestion, I'm sure.
5: You need two syllables for an adjective rather than the single syllable of "long". Something as simple as "long and skinny" would do, but I'm sure you can think of a good two-syllable adjective.
6: "Her MAGic EYES were MOONbeamLIKE, and WHITE" would fit better. Again, great image.
7: "Her hair bedazzled with its sparkling charms" would fit better into the rhythm - see how at the moment we have "The JEWELS in her HAIR were like SPARKly CHARMS"?
8: "BUT-ter-fly" will never fit into strict iambic poetry, sadly - those two unstressed syllables side-by-side will mess up the metre of a line. It's a shame, but you'll have to get rid of the butterfly... Something like "The pretty bobbles, diamond clips so bright" would work.
9: "She DRIFTed INto LONG and PEACEful SLEEP" would fit better into iambic pentameter.
10: fine.
11: "of a" and "that was" are both two unstressed syllables next to each other. Something like "She dreamt of friends she'd always have to keep" would fit.
12: "On VAL-en-TINE'S, her DRESS was ALways RED" would work.
Last two lines: Not quite there rhythmically, but a good couplet to finish with. Have a think and change some words around, while bearing in mind that it's really important that we write words in the order we'd say them, not so they fit iambic pentameter!
Really well done - this is nearly there.
Take care,
Penny
Thank you for all of the comments. Im actually starting to get the hang of writing a sonnet, thanks to your tips. Hopefully the next one will be even better.
ReplyDelete:D