She keeps a tropic tank that boosts her self
esteem. She enters to the corridor,
applause ensues, but leaves them on the shelf
inside the aged volvic, they want more.
She makes quick work of her de-trousered spouse
he glances at his manhood in the clouds
a caged bear, is trapped within his house
they whisper, an aquatic choral crowd.
They speak, they question all about the queen
the tyrant that made history of love.
They plan to do things wicked, do things mean
they know that all they have to do is shove
him. He takes her head, he thrusts it in
she struggles for a minute. She won't win.
Fabulously original for a start! Gee wiz!
ReplyDeleteLines 4-8 are so atmospheric, so enigmatic ‘manhood in the clouds’, picture him in a world of his own, and glimpse the underlying danger ‘a caged bear’, a sinister warning of an approaching danger. Within these lines you have the iambic pentameter down to a tee, none of the syllables are forced to fit, they simply do.
‘boosts her self esteem’- feels too clichéd, too formal, and too vague, find an image which shows that the tank boosts her self esteem rather than telling us.
There are some problems with syntax in a number of your lines ‘she enters to the corridor’, the meter is obviously dictating. Also ‘they question all about the queen’, be careful when trying to force lines to fit, don’t sacrifice sense! Lines 2-4 are a little baffling ‘applause ensues, but leaves them on the shelf’, who is applauding? Also the ‘but’ coming after this doesn’t make sense as nothing is being contradicted.
I like the way the identity of ‘they’ is never made explicit, I want to believe they are just the exotic fish that she keeps, but then I also get the impression that ‘they’ are a metaphor for scheming courtiers, speaking, questioning, threatening the king’s authority, wanting to ‘shove him’. The final couplet is shocking, so sinister and a fitting end to the danger which had been hinted at throughout the sonnet. ‘She won’t win’ short, dramatic, final.
Can’t wait for your next post Naboo!
Dani
Hey Naboo. It's good to see that you are pushing yourself creatively with this task. Perhaps this poem is a little too enigmatic to be understood perfectly, though. Make sure you don't lose yourself in poetic phrase and sacrifice meaning. It has great atmosphere and tone, but I personally found it a little confusing.
ReplyDeleteYou've practically got the basics down. The number of lines, the rhyming scheme - perfect. There are a few lines which I didn't think had ten syllables (lines 4 and 7), but if I stress the 'ed' of 'aged' and 'caged' (age-ed, cage-ed) it fits. This type of pronounciation is usually signified with accents over the 'e's - perhaps the blog could not format this, though there is probably a html code that will do it for you. However, this type of pronounciation is quite dated.
You've pretty much mastered the iambic pentameter in this, but there is still room for improvement. This line in particular needs work, as the stresses are very unnatural:
him. He takes her head, he thrusts it in
him. HE takes HER head, HE thrusts IT in
(plus there are only nine sylllables)
I'm not sure you've *quite* got the octave/sestet split. As far as I can see, the first part is about the queen and her lover, then the second part is about the fish (or whoever they really represent). However, I feel the split occurs more at this line:
they whisper, an aquatic choral crowd.
Which is a line early. But you're nearly there.
The line break between 'self' and 'esteem' seems a little unnatural. I don't think you've managed to quite grasp the fluidity of enjambment; many of the lines stand alone and only flow due to a lack of puctuation.
However, the rhymes didn't seem forced, and the last couplet is very effective. The use of caesura is good here.
Unline Dani, I think the phrase 'a tropic tank that boosts her self esteem' is pretty good. I feel it is an unusual image, and makes me want to uncode it by reading the rest of the poem... Unfortunately, though, I failed to de-code it!
I also really liked the phrases 'de-trousered spouse' and especially 'aquatic choral crowd'. You have a very poetic way with words. As I said before, though, don't let that cloud the clarity of your writing.
I do agree with Dani about the extra words that make it seem as though they have been added in to create the imabic rhythm, when in fact that detract from the poem because they don't flow right.
In all, I think you've done pretty well. The main things to look out for, again, is perfecting the iambic structure, and not sacrificing clarity for imagergy and turn of phrase.
Very interesting poem, though. I would gladly read a re-write of this if you ever come back to it.
First of all this is a damn fine poem, highly atmospheric, evocative and sinister. Certainly I can't imagine how you came up with the idea to combine the need for pets with domestic abuse, but it is an inspired one.
ReplyDeleteAs pets go, fish are possibly the most appropriate for this type of poem as, confined to one spot, they are forced to witness everything that unfolds before them, which projects onto them a certain menace as, while cats and dogs embody recognisable traits of human personality (and, as Jules Winnfield once said before deciding to 'walk the earth', "personality goes a long way") which renders them more predictable, fish literally just swim and watch, with no indication of what they're doing with the information.
I personally quite enjoyed the skewed and distorted narrative, as not seeing the whole picture rendered the poem even more sinister; I feel the uncomfortable chaos of the narrative is very effective and provides a real sense of empathy for the victim.
The only criticism I could really give is regarding the stresses in the final two lines, which is a shame as up until then your grip on iambic pentameter was almost perfect. In line 13 it feels rather strange to have "He" "her" and "he" stressed rather than much more prominent words like "takes" "head" and "thrusts".
Well done,
Eoghan 'Ezekiel 25:17' Lavery