That very first leap of faith that jump of trust
Suspended in mid-air before the drop
I grasp at all the courage I can must-
er. I don't want to be washed off with a mop
at the bottom. The wind rushes past my ears
Adrenaline rapidly flows through me
Everything melts away including my fears
Courage can unlock this activity
I spread my arms and legs out far to form
a 'x' shape. I shout and scream in delight
I see the ground I remember the warn-
ing: always avoid the ground with all your might
How will I look on the ground squashed and flat
Thinking this I hit the floor and went splat.
Sorry this post is late but my computer crashed yaesterday morning and I only got it working today.
ReplyDeleteHi Grim,
ReplyDeleteYou've improved in the form of your sonnet this week, well done! Most of your lines have 10 syllables now, and the ones that don't are only 1 over, but remember that all of the lines need to have 10 syllables! And your iambic pentametre needs a bit of polish too; it's easy to try and force words into the rhythm but the words don't often naturally fit e.g. 'courage': pentemetre says couRAGE, normal speech woould say COUrage, 'rapidly': pentametre says raPIDly, normal speech would put the stress on the 'RA' and it's up to you to find the words that fit in to shift a syllable over and rearrange your line or the syntax so it fits.
You've kept to the rhyme scheme though, well done! I know it isn't always easy.
However, from your last task, this sonnet lacks the same emotion and imagery that I liked so much and seems more like an exercise in metre and form, but you seem to understand what a sonnet requires now which is great, and I think that soon you'll be able to mesh the emotion with the strict form and it'll be ace!
My favourite image from your sonnet is the ''x' shape' as the narrator falls, and the wind rushing past the ears - there's some good lines in here.
I also think that your sonnet culd be improved with some punctuation, both inside the lines and at the end. Here's an example: "That very first leap of faith, that jump of trust," ":always avoid the ground with all your moight./How will I look on the ground, squashed and flat?/Thinking this, I hit the floor and went splat"
A comma here and there can add to readability and give add caesura points too. Whilst enjambement is good to put in sonnets, sometimes a line needs to be end stopped because leaving it open only works if the following line carries on and makes sense, it should read like a sentence, just with a pause for dramatic affect where the end of the line is.
Phew, what a long comment, I hope I havne't waffled on too much!
A good effort, I'm really pleased you're getting the hang of the form and structure more :o)