Enchanted glitter tattooed on the star -
Strewn midnight sky; soaring above freely
In a kaleidoscopic rainbow of
Light. Enduring a momentary life,
Whilst spreading her magic: overflowing
With psychedelic zest, elation and
Joy. Her existence is very short-lived,
However she holds more memories than
Each of our lives compiled together.
Her mystery; her enigma; her charm;
Her allure. Pervading our ice-bitten
Souls to unite everyone together.
Until her cry of death reverberates,
She captures all our lives in her beauty...
Stardust,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to WordVoodoo. This is a really, really great start. I was truly impressed by this poem, the words used, the imagery, everything. It was psychedelic and zesty. I really, really like it. So, well done! Keep producing poetry like this, be proud!
I love your first line, right off the bat. To begin with, I love the imagery of tattooing something in poetry, I tend to use it too, but I love how you’ve taken the shining star idea and completely made it into your own “Enchanted glitter tattooed on the star”… Great line. You have mastered enjambment. You have cut off sentences perfectly, without compromising the iambic meter (I’ll get to that later) one bit. Another stunning line is “Pervading our ice-bitten / Souls to unite everyone together.” Again, I’ve said it many times, but not enough, very, very well done putting it together – the words are imaginative and original. My main piece of advice always is to come up with something new, something no one has ever heard before. You’ve done that in this poem, for me anyway. You’ve got some great creativity. Keep it up!
It seems to me too, that you understand the iambic meter. There are 10 syllables in every line. Well done! There are some though where I believe the stresses could be a bit reworked. Try reading it aloud again to yourself.
One sort of crucial thing. Ignore me if you weren’t meant to follow the sonnet rhyming scheme, seeing as it was your first poem. But, to clarify, if you were meant to, the sonnet follows: ABAB CDCD EFEF GG. So, for the next attempt, then try to follow those guidelines. One thing that helps me write sonnets is to break it up into four stanzas so you can better see where things need to rhyme. It’s just a suggestion, but it’s always helped me. So, while writing, your sonnet would look like this:
Enchanted glitter tattooed on the star -
Strewn midnight sky; soaring above freely
In a kaleidoscopic rainbow of
Light. Enduring a momentary life,
Whilst spreading her magic: overflowing
With psychedelic zest, elation and
Joy. Her existence is very short-lived,
However she holds more memories than
Each of our lives compiled together.
Her mystery; her enigma; her charm;
Her allure. Pervading our ice-bitten
Souls to unite everyone together.
Until her cry of death reverberates,
She captures all our lives in her beauty...
Stardust, really amazing first attempt. Keep going like this, stay original and work on that sonnet form. I can’t wait for next weeks contribution.
Ever have any questions, feel free to ask.
Genevieve
THIS COMMENT IS FROM GINA, ONE OF YOUR MODERATORS - BUT SHE IS HAVING DIFFICULTIES POSTING THIS WEEK SO SHE HAS SENT ME THIS COMMENT TO POST ON HER BEHALF:
ReplyDeleteApologies for the late comment, I didn’t pick up my emails so were unaware that I had a new student. Welcome to being moderated!
I loved this poem, there is some really nice imagery included, it really painted a picture of dancing colours in my mind. I especially like the idea that though she doesn’t have a long life, she lives to the full, experiencing more than we ever could. I think the word “enduring” that precedes this adds an entirely different tone to it as well, it make the image even more beautiful.
A couple of points about the basics of the poem, you are just short of the syllable count in line 9, and the rhyme scheme doesn’t fit in with the task. I am one for disliking the rigid constraints of poetry so I quite like it! Though for this task I think you need to in keep with the directions given… maybe try to adapt the words to fit the rhyme scheme, keeping the content the same, and see how it changes the tone and rhythm of the poem.
You have pretty much perfected the Iambic meter, I only noticed one mistake on the second line, the stress falls upon ing on the word soaring. It always reads a little awkward when the stress falls on the last syllable of a two syllable word ending in ing, maybe you could try shifting this around? Very impressed with your ability to put the word kaleidoscopic into an iambic meter correctly too!
I like your use of enjambment, however I feel that it could be used slightly more effectively. Though it creates suspense by ending the lines in “and” and “than”, I find enjambment more effective when the line below could be discarded and the poem would still work. You have done this well on
“Whilst spreading her magic: overflowing
With psychedelic zest”
The first line works without the second, and yet paired with the second changes the tone of the poem. It can therefore open the interpretation up to the reader. Just a personal preference, you can use enjambment either way, it is just how you feel it best works.
Overall I was very impressed with the ideas of the poem, and of your use of iamb. I am looking forward to how your style changes when you conform to the directions of the task! Gina.
Can you offer me more advice on the iambic pentameter technique, as I want to develop my understanding of how to become a better "sonneteer"? Thank you. Written by STARDUST.
ReplyDelete