I flood my bedroom in a river full
Of tears.The bed's not warm but oh so cold.
As cold as death, more cold than death. So dull
And dark my life now is. The sun's not gold,
The sea's not blue. I'm colour blind without
Your light. I rule the dark, the dark is me
Now You're not here. But I am still devout
Towards You; worshipping Your memory.
However strong the memory may be,
I'll try my best to never let it go.
I'll clutch and cling as much as You decree.
I am a fighter, I'll fight death for You.
Well, if this loss of memory takes place,
You'll always in my heart have Your own space.
omgg thats beautiful, and the fact that you would start You and Your with a capital makes this person kind of known to us even though we don't really know them.
ReplyDeletewell done keep up the good work hunni:)
Hi Shining star,
ReplyDeleteI like how this poem has many layers to it. It’s a sensory experience in the sense that we experience, cold, warmth, and the contrasts of this - very beautifully - through the visual.
‘The sun’s not gold/ The sea’s not blue.’
Through the simplicity of these images you have
evoked both heat and cold, and a beauty. The absence of blue and gold express the visual qualities of these emotions as the narrator’s experience moves from light to dark, from life to death. It seems to be a poem about the power of memory - how memory is a very human tool against the total death of a life no longer, or a love.
I think you’ve got the hang of metre while the capitalisation of the You in the poem creates an openness for the reader to fill this themselves with a potential noun.
A few small concerns...
‘I flood my bedroom in a river full/ of tears.’
I worry with this line that it veers, perhaps, a little too close to cliché: river, floods, tears...
I found that the use of caesura - occasionally -
disrupted the potential cadence of some of the lines.
(It’s great you’re using caesura with such confidence, but I was concerned about its use at such regular intervals throughout the poem, which makes it a little jarring in places).
That all said, this is a powerful read, with great depth and talent so clearly apparent.
Liz
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteWell done cleaning up the metrical issues. You use it to brilliant effect in
"I am a fighter, I'll fight death for You."
The down beat (stress) on "I'll" asserts the persona's strength. This is a surprising and important declaration in the face of your clever use of the capital Y(our). It could, perhaps, be even more emphatic with a a full stop after "fighter", but perhaps you didn't want it that strong.
The strong alliteration in
"I'll clutch, and cling as much as you decree"
is a great lead-in to the line.
As Liz said, the river of tears image is a bit tired. It is interesting, though, that the bed is cold. Have the tears dried into a chill, "cold as death." Cold as death is also a cliche, but you do subvert it with "more cold than death." To me it seems the persona is saying: if you think death is cold try THIS.
Your rhymes are generally fine. "Full" and "dull" is a visual rhyme and just about works to my ear.
I'm all for pushing boundaries, but "go" and "You" don't mesh for me.
Finally, I'm in two minds about the couplet. As I said, lines 11&12 are, for me, the most powerful in the poem; so an anticlimactic ending is probably inevitable. "Well" certainly establishes the melancholy tone, but the resignation feels a bit abrupt.
"You'll always in my heart have Your own space."
Is a very quiet ending to a poem entitled "Irreplaceable" (titles are tricky - they carry alot of weight)
But again, perhaps, this is the tone you wanted to achieve.
Overall an excellent and very moving exploration of loss.
pax
Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI can tell you've paid more attention to your lines' last words this time! Really well done, you grasped that quickly.
As I was saying in my comments for another student, I love that poetry has the potential to grab me, surprise me, catch me completely off-guard with certain amazing lines. You have done that here: "I'm colour blind without
Your light." I really like that the speaker isn't blinded by this loss, but that their world is less exciting, less colorful. Well done.
My one suggestion is to take a look at the end of your poem. Just as you want the ends of lines to be powerful, you want the last line or two of your poem to be even more powerful. Keep working, I know you can do it.
Well done. Keep it up. :)
Maria
Thank you for your comments, they are greatly appreciated. I completely agree about the clichéd phrases, I didn't actually realise even though I knew I heard those phrases before. Yeah I think I went a bit OTT with the soft rhyme and and caesura. Thanks again for your comments and I'm happy to know that I've improved from my last attempt.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I’m really impressed with your rhyme – a skilful blend of soft and hard rhymes used to great effect. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI also think you have managed an effective volta between your octave and your sestet.
Your caesura and enjambement are frequent and brilliant.
Line 4: I’d swap around “now” and “is”. It wouldn’t affect the meter and the phrase would sound less archaic.
Throughout, your capitalization of You/You’re to deify your addressee is both sophisticated and highly effective.
Your iambic pentameter is perfect throughout, and I am nothing but dazzled by how someone of your age and experience can achieve something so incredibly difficult.
If I were to quibble with anything, it would be your final line: the syntax just sounds strange. “You’ll always have a Your own space in my heart” But I recognize that throws your rhyme. What about, for your final couplet:
“If memory’s decay resolved to start.
You’d always have Your own space in my heart.”
In summary, Shiningstar, you are brilliant, and just get better and better each week, always taking on board every comment further to enhance your poetic flair and artistry. Well done: I hope you’re as proud of yourself as I am! :)