Sorry
Perception, illusion and deception.
None uncommon, in fact; typical.
So unfortunate it's all still fiction.
It hurts to say 'I won't cry'; I'm in denial.
I'll never know where I made my mistake.
Perhaps it was loving you; That was not
a choice though; not a choice for me to make.
Inevitable, yet still; an unknown plot.
If Love's a game; I'm certainly long lost.
You were a star; restricted, hidden star;
Eclipsed forever. Warmth: extinct, in frost.
Your memory; forever there; a scar.
None uncommon, in fact; typical.
So unfortunate it's all still fiction.
It hurts to say 'I won't cry'; I'm in denial.
I'll never know where I made my mistake.
Perhaps it was loving you; That was not
a choice though; not a choice for me to make.
Inevitable, yet still; an unknown plot.
If Love's a game; I'm certainly long lost.
You were a star; restricted, hidden star;
Eclipsed forever. Warmth: extinct, in frost.
Your memory; forever there; a scar.
I'm sorry, sorry still; perhaps, maybe
I've made you feel, only slightly, guilty.
- Fizzy -
You need to double check your line length, as a few of your lines are not the right length (lines 2, 4 and 8). I think you also need to double check you understand the punctuation you are using, as you tend to rely heavily upon semi colons when perhaps they are not appropriate. “if love’s a game; I’m certainly long last” is part of the same clause, therefore does not need separating with a semicolon. Just make sure you have used the correct punctuation in each circumstance.
ReplyDeleteI really love the line “I’ll never know where I made mistake”, this is really perceptive of how many people feel after something goes wrong, they try to pinpoint the moment where things go wrong. Also, “that was not a choice though” is a very apt description, love is not a controllable feeling.
Your iamb falls a little awkward in places, your opening line starts with very difficult words to fit into iambic meter, they require a stress in the middle of the three syllables. Some of your lines fit really well into iamb, such as “I’m sorry, sorry, still; perhaps, maybe”. The repetition of sorry really emphasises the iamb perfectly. Attempt to form all of your lines like this, with really strong emphasise on the second syllables.
You're not "one of mine", but since you've been a bit neglected this week, I thought I would step in and give you the benefit (?) of my opinion. I hope it's useful: so here it goes...
ReplyDeleteI love your rhymes – soft and loose but doubly effective as a result.
Some of your lines have do not have 10 syllables, and you really should have been able to count and check that, don’t you think. Not being mean, but…
As for the iambic meter, I’ll go through it line by line:
1. “PerCEPtion” is fine, but it goes wrong thereafter.
2. It’s all rather awry here, I am afraid
3. “unfortunate” is wrongly placed, and needs to be one syllable left or right to work; similarly, “fiction” is, essentially, trochaic, not iambic, so doesn’t work as a final foot.
4. Just too many syllables here, which also throws the meter. How about: “It hurts to fail to cry; I’m in denial”? I even think we could get away with “denial” as a two syllable, iambic foot in that sense.
5. This is brilliant – provided that you know that putting “I” where you do stresses it and, therefore, emphasizes the significance that it is YOU who screwed up. Does that make sense?
6. It’s “loving” that appears to be placed wrongly here and throws the rhythm accordingly.
7. Perfect
8. “Inevitable” is brave and works brilliantly; then you just need to get rid of the superfluous “yet” and the whole line is seamless.
9. Pretty much works, although the second half seems a bit awkward for some reason…
10. Fine
11. A perfect, lovely line!
12. Again, lovely and perfect.
13. Absolutely fine.
14. Your last three words throw this last line I am afraid.
Other than that, you’ve got some good caesura (if only a tiny bit of enjambement), and I’m really impressed. :)